My mom and I got into a huge fight 10 years ago, around when I started college, and she ended up staying at the hospital taking care of her mom (my grandma) for a few days while I went home. Towards the end she started having hearing issues, but had to come back to the US bc of the flight we bought. At the time she didn’t know sudden onset hearing loss has to be treated within days otherwise it will be permanent.
She ended up having moderate hearing loss in her right ear. And soon after that dementia. Now she has mild Alzheimer’s that is getting worse.
I like to think that I had a close relationship with my mom when I was really young, until probably middle-high school. I was good at taking the high road, being gracious, and being an emotional punching bag at times. I understood what was going on and thought with understanding I could stay good. She was stressed. Effectively a single parent to 3 kids and uncomfortable speaking English. She was (still is) great and did her best, but put her situation and one kid young enough to be with her at all times you see where her only outlet was. I was good at blending in the background, but it’s hard to not exist when you’re there and have to be taken care of.
Obviously college was a giant shitstorm where I basically unraveled for 5+ years and could not take shit as well as before. She had been strict and prone to anger. But I think after seeing how unhinged I became and stayed for so long, she faltered. She tried to be nice to me. It didn’t work. I did not take her stepping down with grace - I had resentment built up, coupled with overall angst, extreme mental and physical illness and it was like she offered herself up to slaughter. She still had Alzheimer’s this entire time. Once when I was home from college I caught her praying fervently for me. The image of her kowtowing over and over again is burned into my mind. She said nice things, not even just to be nice but meant it and I was uncomfortable by it. She gave me a good luck charm when she was driving me back to campus and we got into a fight during the ride. I left that charm in her cup holder. I knew she was making amends and I knew the right thing was to take it but I couldn’t. I could barely think straight, much less that.
I never graduated college. She still doesn’t know. I use Covid as an excuse for no graduation. She probably does know and just never brings it up. She referred me to a job with her insurance agent. I started around my 4th year of college. I cried every day for the first year of work when I drove to and from work. My boss wanted me gone for that entire first year. I stayed for over 7 years and left when I couldn’t deal with the boss anymore (who has grown to like me and relied on me for basically everything). That job defined my 20s. My health improved. My relation with my mom did as well but it was never the same as before. Her hand had been outstretched but I could not bring myself to do the same. It occurs to me I never did. I compelled myself to not exist, to blend in, but never to actively form anything.
I moved to California with no job lined up a couple weeks ago after quitting my insurance job. “To learn how to talk to people” is my reason I say. And it’s true but there’s more than that. I want to learn how to be a person on my own terms. I came back yesterday to take them to the airport, run errands, then go to visit my sister for a week in Florida. She repeats herself often now. She remembers I need a blanket but forgets she already gave me one. She’s going to Taiwan tomorrow and getting therapy. It has worked in the past, if things go well she has to go every year for treatment and she stays at mild severity. I get annoyed at her repeating herself. I cannot stop myself from feeling it. To stop acting like I am annoyed. To tell her she already said these things before. I was never one to talk, she spoke and I listened. It’s now obvious as she repeats advice. I cannot hold a conversation. Not just with her. Just now I was laying down and she knocked the door.
“You could bring your pillow to California. (I already brought one) Do you have a bag for the blanket? (She already prepared me one) Be safe (she’s told me this countless times and forgot I’m driving her to the airport tomorrow) I could not stop the exasperation coming into my voice.
I don’t believe in saying someone deserves something as that’s the start of neuroticism and the ugliest parts of human nature, but how can I justify my existence if it has been a drain to what gave me it.
