The one with the new chapter.
Hey internet. Wow. Its been a long time since I’ve made a post on tumblr. When I was 19, Tumblr played a huge part in my life. It was the platform I went to when I wanted to express exactly how I was feeling. Sometimes, like everything else in life, we start to use things less and less until we aren’t using them at all. Thats what happened to me with tumblr. I had other social media accounts linked so that there would always be content posted on here but as far as using tumblr itself...no it was pretty much nonexistent in my life.
Recently, I’ve gone through many changes that I have so much going on in my brain and it makes me go crazy and I start to over think and make ridiculous decisions. Then I remembered tumblr and here I am, expressing my inner-most thoughts. I’m going to be unbelievably honest because I have to, for myself.
My whole life, well..not really...from when I understood the meaning of feelings and dating, my entire dating experience has been guys. I’ve been one of those people desperate for love that I didn’t have great relationships. I was always one to settle with the first opportunity I got. It was bad. When I was 19, I met someone and this someone provided me with the “love” I thought I wanted. At the time, I thought it was the real deal, but it was confusing because this someone was a female. Yes, we females will always have girl crushes and I had my fair share but I never saw a future with another woman. But she loved me and I, her. It was rushed and my immediately family supported me, but other family...well...I knew I disappointed them. But I was 19 and I was experiencing life.
I started going downhill. I pushed my friends away, I pushed family away, I was alone, I gained a shitload of weight. I was in a downward spiral and I wasn't sure how to get out. I started questioning my decisions. Things were difficult. There were fights about friends, family, cheating, anything you can think of. I’ve never been with someone so insecure. I’m not saying that she was a bad person, no, but it becomes exhausting fighting about nonexistent things. Being accused of ridiculous things. There was a point where I just gave up, quit my job and did nothing just to avoid the arguments. For almost 2 years, I was doing nothing. I felt pathetic. I knew my family was talking about how pathetic I was. “Destiny has no job, what is she going to do with her life?” But no one knows whats really going on until they put themselves in your shoes and see your live through your very own eyes. I chose to ignore them and their words, even though it made me even more depressed. To someone looking in, it was the picture of perfection, but it wasn’t. So I was dealing with all these feelings plus I was questioning if I really wanted to be with another female at all.
Well, it turns out that I don’t. I’m not gay or lesbian. Once I figured that out, I needed to figure out how to fix myself and my life. I was stuck. I had nowhere to go and no job. I finally got a job this past September and I love it. I’m learning so much and in a way, helping so many people on a daily basis. But even with the job, I was stuck. I spoke to my mother countless times about my thoughts and my daily struggle. I’ve only told one person this, my best friend Jocelyn, but I came to a point in my life where I didn’t want to be on this earth at all. Don’t misunderstand me. Compared to other people on this planet, my life is heaven, but you can’t control your emotions and what goes through your brain. For ME, it was all just too much. There was one night where I was going to do it. I swear. It was late and I was arguing, yet again, and I left to my moms apartment. Usually her door is unlocked, but that night, I couldn't get it. I didn’t even bother knocking. So I went back to the car and sat there. My thoughts got the best of me and I started thinking about how I was going to say my goodbyes. I wondered if I should even say goodbye. I went through my phone and called my best friend, my cousin, Jocelyn. She didn’t answer. She’s usually awake, so in my messed up mind I took it as a sign. I had this pain in my chest. I could breathe but I still felt suffocated. I was wondering if I had the courage to do it.
I started talking to God. My cousin called me back. She was at work. I thought I could just talk to her but I broke down and she couldn't understand what I was saying. She calmed me down. She told me not to make a permanent decision on temporary feelings. It didn’t seem like much but it kind of helped. It was a quick conversation. After I hung up, it started to thunder and rain, then hail. I took it as another sign. God was mad at me for having such thoughts. I needed to fix myself and my life...and quickly. I made these choices to get me to where I am so I can make more choices to get myself someplace else.
This is already too long so I’ll just wrap it up. That phone call was about 2 months ago. Right before my birthday. I haven't had any weak moments like that one since, but I do get sad often. I feel like I though be doing more with my life.
Today is Wednesday the 8th of June. I’ve been living back with my mom for almost 2 weeks. Its been a struggle...I still feel alone and sad most of the time but I have peace. Everyone struggles and no ones struggle is less important that anyone else. I’m trying. I have goals for my future. Me married to the man of my dreams (UNLESS ITS EMMA WATSON...JK) with a houseful of children, a career that I love, family and friends by my side, HAPPY. I have a long way to go but I know I’ll get there. I have faith.
I think I’ll post like this more often.
tangentwithtanner
2087
jacobvanloon
baratheonpilled
theartofmadeline
stormborns
