Damage Control

im an unperson

[destroy-rebuildx]

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even feel like a person. I feel so anxious all the fucking time and nothing is ever right - not what I say, not what other people say, not what I do, not what other people do. I replay every single thing that has gone wrong for the last couple years and I don’t know how to move forward.

I just keep crying. I keep avoiding. I keep throwing myself into things that I have no interest in doing but I do them to keep up appearances.

I constantly feel like I’m running out of time. I constantly feel like things are just slipping through my fingers and I can’t do anything. I can’t control anything. I keep trying to escape but I feel paralyzed.

I have no idea what I want. I have no idea how to make myself feel better. I’m angry or I’m sad or annoyed or very rarely just content. Happiness is so fucking fleeting.

I keep trying to just stop my thoughts. I keep trying to feel better but no amount of drugs or alcohol or food is working. There isn’t a drug strong enough for how I feel. I want to be gone, erased, mind blank, empty. I want to disappear.

I want to disappear.

I want to disappear.

[destroy-rebuildx]

I’m running out of reasons to keep trying.

I don’t see a point to any of it.

[literaryvein]

L. V., excerpts from the epilogue

[bpderanged]

Passive suicidal ideation is like no I won't attempt but if I got hit by a car and died that'd be nice

[papayajuan2019]

i could add a few more stages to grief if they let me

[missanthropicprinciple]

Grief is the constant peeling-off of layers and it never really stops.

[a-mind-in-ruins]

Honestly I just want to feel loved without feeling like I'm begging for it. Having a good heart has done nothing but make me look stupid.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Richard Siken, Portrait of Fryderyk in Shifting Light (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[destroy-rebuildx]

I hate being alive. I hate being alive. I hate being alive. I hate being alive. I hate being alive. I hate being alive.

[destroy-rebuildx]

Life is an absolute fucking nightmare and it always will be. I just can’t deal with ANYTHING. I don’t want to. My throat is so tight and I’m getting so overwhelmed with literally everything happening and I don’t want to interact with anybody but I have to and I just don’t want to deal. I can’t.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Georgia O'Keeffe, from a letter to Russel Vernon Hunter, from Georgia O'Keeffe: Art and Letters (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[pjharvey]

life is just like you embarrass the shit out of yourself and then you die

[ashstfu]

i don’t think people understand how much of life is grief. not just people dying, but losing the version of yourself you thought you’d become. grieving the city you had to leave. the friends you lost not in argument, but in silence. the summer that will never come back. the feeling that maybe you peaked at 12 when you were reading books under the covers and believing in forever

[destroy-rebuildx]

Starting to think there isn’t a way out…

I can’t keep doing this. I hate this.

[devouringdespair]

Thinking about the future makes me want to kill myself;

[virgo-interludes444]

the amount of time that we invest into people just for us to end up being strangers again is something that i will never understand

[paradoxical-plutonian]

“Deep down I feel I can never be myself, nor do I truly know who that self is, only that I believe she is inherently unloveable.”

— September 5, 2022 

[discrepantie]

“It’s terrifying, isn’t it? That even love isn’t always enough.”

— (via spilled-wordss)