This is what I’ve been told by more trans women than I can remember. When I say anything even vaguely critical of the prevailing trans ‘wisdom’, I get called transphobic, transmisogynistic, bigoted, but most of all, I get called self-loathing. I’ve internalized all of society’s hatred of trans people. I’ve been TERF-washed. I’m so desperate for ‘cis’ validation that I’m spewing hate speech and betraying my own community.
It doesn’t matter if I say that our declared identities can’t change our anatomy. Hateful. Or if I say that sex is relevant for females naming the precise nature of their oppression AND for us trans people regarding the very reason for our transitioning and our transness itself. Hateful. Or if I point out to trans women the deep misogyny necessary to insert oneself into feminism for the purpose of crowding out issues unique to females and essentially blowing up feminism from the inside. Hateful. Or for realizing that as a trans woman, I was born male and always will be male even after surgery, and that coming to terms with this fact can only be good for my transition and eventual adjustment. Still hateful.
I have a secret to share. Even though I seem to pass fine as a woman day-to-day and in that respect my transition has been a success, I’m still trying to come to terms with this whole trans deal. I’ve always gone about my transition knowing that gender is based on perceived sex and not the other way around, but it’s only been the past year that I’ve taken the step of really acknowledging to myself that I’ll always be physiologically male, and that that’s ok. That recognizing this fact doesn’t necessarily prevent my physical, mental, emotional, and social transition from materially improving my life and my ability to engage with the world.
I feel like I’m starting to come to terms with being male in a way I never could before, and realizing that it doesn’t mean I need to detransition, or that I think detransition would be better for me. I’ve made peace with the notion that even though my boyfriend and I seem like just some straight couple to other people, on a strictly physical level we’re a very unusual gay couple, and that this is ok too. This is absolute sacrilege in the trans community, but I’m finding it preferable to (and more practically useful than) wishful thinking.
There is a long-transitioned, long-assimilated trans woman I’m very close with. This woman has been a source of insight and support for me during times when I’ve desperately needed it. She recently accused me of hating myself when I expressed my admiration for Mary Daly. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me, but I also know that she knows I deal with serious depression, and there are times where I really do hate myself. There are times when I struggle against intrusive thoughts telling me that I’m worthless, and a drain, and unsavable, and that these thoughts can be very difficult to disentangle from dysphoria. It shocked me that she would go there because I unknowingly rubbed her transpolitics the wrong way.
I don’t really have a point here. I’m just tired of feeling like a minority within a minority within a minority. I get that only the really scuzzy trans activists and disciples use the self-hatred card as a weapon; most trans women who do it probably really buy the internalized transphobia deal. It still really sucks. I still wish I knew how to help them see my point of view instead of dismissing me because they feel threatened.
**EDIT**
This is a much more personal post than I normally do, but please feel free to reblog. Other people’s perspectives are welcome. :)
