the blonde boy wrinkled his nose, watching the older male. listened to his words and a scoff escaped his thick lips, rolling his eyes back into his head. yes, this was lee taemin how he lived. always blind to what he said; always blind that his words might hurt someone or make him seem like the little arrogant asshole he was. no, he was blind and deaf to all this. and this was probably the reason why jonghyun was the closest to him from all the people he knew. no one could stand his poisoned personality beside the older man who had been brave enough to give taemin enough time to show another side that was somewhere hidden inside a rockhard shell. but this didn't mean he was a little lamb all the time; no he was still a cat with claws that could scratch deep wounds into someone. he would even forget sometimes that he didn't need to be on defend when he was with jonghyun. it sometimes seemed like he needed his time to step out of the one role and get into the other -- and maybe somewhere in between he would loose himself; or he was alrwady loosing himself. "get in line, ahjussi. you are not the first person who wants that and won't be the last to miserably fail to get it. and with it i mean... -- me." he cracked a crooked smile and showed a row of white teeth; but his words were more true than they sounded because he honestly meant them. and they were the truth but it would have helped if he would voiced them out in a different way. narcissuss, no taemin, was loved by boy and girl equaly; adored and worshipped by them for his beauty but never would he let anyone close to him because none of them were good enough for him. and in the end; he falls in love with himself and dies alone. scary.
and the sad truth was; he wouldn't even hear the sarcasm out of jonghyun's voice or would question his words. he would simply believe it. because it didn't sound like a lie or anything else. "don't worry; you are not the first one. but do you think i could make money with that?" he tilted his head to the side, watching the older curious before he pulled a grimace. "no, i don't want my face on weird things while old man would do weird things. and it would ruin my name. never mind. not making money with the whole sex thing." he waved around with his small hands, shrugging slightly with his shoulders. the sad fact was that he would usually forget how he could be with the older male. that there were times when he would peacefully snuggle against the older chest in complete silence and just don't do anything. maybe talking about nothing important and yet this was what made it so important to the rather fragile boy. but the moment he would step out of the house again it was forgotten. a house that he honestly loved more than his own; even if he would never voice it out. his own apartment was empty and the bit of furniture was expensive as shit. it was everything but cozy. it was cold, empty. and here inside the older's apartment it felt so cozy so much like home. he adored it but would stay silent regarding this topic.
"i wish that would be the problem, jonghyun.", he mumbled quietly while he turned the older down for the nth time in his life. he knew jonghyun wouldn't do anything wrong; had no wrong thoughts but everything that had to do with closeness was what scared the boy off most of the time. because he was cursed and he knew it but no one else around him seemed to know or understand and maybe it was better this way. it was easier to keep that away, lock it in; live with the guilt that came along with the curse he carried. and it was so much easier to focuse on a torn jacket instead of the fear he felt all the time. "no, not damnit Taemin. this one is expensive, ahjussi. the designer will fuck me over. this is my job. wait, not the fucking over. but showing those clothes and they are not supposed to be broken." he rambled to himself at leat until the older male raised his voice. for a moment the young male stood still, froze on his spot and gulped. well, at least he did shut up. and just like a hit little dog he sat down on the bed where jonghyun wanted him to be, looking down on his shoulder while he slipped out of his hoodie; leaving him with a red shirt. he honestly didn't notice it. now that he looked at it he did. he bit down on his lower lip when he tugged the fabric up, pulling it out of the wound. a sucked in a harsh breath. but it looked more terrible as it was and he knew it. but... they almost got him this time. he sat crosslegged on the bed, folding his small hands in his lap; looking everywhere but jonghyun. the older was scary when he was like this and taemin respected him even if it never seemed like it. "it's nothing and i am fine. i always am." he mumbled and adjusted his voice with a slight cough. and suddenly the boy crumbled right in front of him. because it was jonghyun after all. "it was scary. they almost got me. if you wouldn't have opened the door, hyung i would be dead meat. i was too tired to keep running. just a minute more and i would have died alone." he scoffed, the irony. because it was what he feared the most and yet it was the only thing he could never change that he actually had to live with. "i trembled so much. i still am." he whispered while he stared at his small shaking hands before he folded them together to stop it. "i hate my life so much, i hate myself. why am i like this?" he asked before he leaned forward, leaning his forehead against the older's shoulder; still refusing to look at him because he knew he had messed up again.
