Peripheral Vision

a warehouse of stories and photos

[shymagnolia]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[shymagnolia]

okay so i just got my dream job??? a week after applying to it?? and now i’m thinking….maybe this is the good luck post

[dextercaranguian]

PLEASE PLEASE, NEED TO GET A BETTER JOB T__T AND ONE TAKE ON MY LICENSURE EXAM PLEASE

[oneman-wolfpackk]

I know you’re tired bitch but keep fucking going

[90000000bc]

[taylorswift]

Midnights is a wild ride of an album and I couldn’t be happier that my co pilot on this adventure was Jack Antonoff. He’s my friend for life (presumptuous I know but I stand by it) and we’ve been making music together for nearly a decade HOWEVER… this is our first album we’ve done with just the two of us as main collaborators. We’d been toying with ideas and had written a few things we loved, but Midnights actually really coalesced and flowed out of us when our partners (both actors) did a film together in Panama. Jack and I found ourselves back in New York, alone, recording every night, staying up late and exploring old memories and midnights past. We were so lucky to also work with our brilliant collaborators Sam Dew, Sounwave, Lana Del Rey, Jahaan Sweet, Keanu Beats, William Bowery, and Zoe Kravitz. Laura Sisk was our excellent engineer. The wonderful and wise Beth Garrabrant took the album photographs. Midnights is a collage of intensity, highs and lows and ebbs and flows. Life can be dark, starry, cloudy, terrifying, electrifying, hot, cold, romantic or lonely. Just like Midnights. Which is out now  

https://taylor.lnk.to/taylorswiftmidnights

[dextercaranguian]

a footnote, on my fourth

i said i won't give up, but that's just selfish to someone who wishes that i would. i made a playlist. i made cards. i planned letters, i even scheduled my calendar. finally, final. end. all unsent.

[1985houndsoflove-deactivated202]

the outro to footnote is actually so insanely clever because the repeated 'forget me' just sounds like he's begging not to be and to be forgotten at the same time and maybe that's what a footnote really is

[dextercaranguian]

dead end.

hey,

so i guess this is it. fourth letter, and the fourth one to be unsent.

i'll stop myself here before i mess more of the tangled mess that i already am.

thanks!

xx

[dextercaranguian]

the brewing clouds of what ifs

here's a midnight confession; i did.

i didn't know that two bottles of rum pushed down with the not-helping-acid of coke will give me these series of words burping its way out into the tipsy air of an apartment unit... words i soon able to gather and make sense of -an unsent love letter.

and so here it goes:

i forgot the kind of flower i gave you there at the staircase, but the bougainvillea you gave that night is still pinned in my corkboard. although not until the rage of the typhoon Ulysses flushed it out our house along with other things;

i failed to greet you on your birthday but psydex still greets me morning w/c reminds me of the times we both greeted the sunsets and sunrises, and the conversations with the nosy moon;

i lost my bracelet among the madness of constant moving from one apartment to the other, but the faded shirt always reminds me how i always felt home whenever i'm with you;

i got scared of my feelings then, but now i want to shout to the void of the silent night in the verge of breaking dawn that you were special to me that i did not want to risk what we already have, then came personal insecurities, fights demons which then snowballed to my selfish decision of preserving my own peace and step back. retreat under my blanket to not show up for, which i thought, just one night. then came the next morning, the next twilight. until i got too scared to face the storm of my own making.

then came the rain.

when will the rainbow show up

[dextercaranguian]

pepper spray

   you’re a dork, and indifferent. marching to the beat of your own drum

I liked you for that

   I found comfort on your awkward sentences, but intelligent remarks;

I liked you for

   your playlist, your series recommendations, your talents, your wit, 

   your entirety;

I liked you,

i like you.

[dextercaranguian]

To my Mom and Dad,

Dawn of July 31, 2020, i cried in my room i just watched this video of Vinxen where he expressed his struggle saying I love you to his parents. I, too, suffer the same struggle.

I have read from several texts and heard from several videos that it really is a struggle for some to say how much they love or appreciate their parents especially when they are at their twenties. It would be because both sides are loosing communication and are isolating themselves due to work, making a big gap in between, making themselves feel distant towards each other (as perfectly phrased by the kid on the said video). 

As a kid back then, i would always say i love you both, and i even loved playing with you. I can still remember that one dinner, back in our old house, when ma jokingly asked who should i go to if ever both of you file for divorce/annulment and i would instantly wail and ask you, ma, to carry me in your arms. I was probably 4 or 5 years old at the time.  I can also remember how much i would fight my siblings just to be able to sleep in between you two (they would jokingly lie in your bed teasing me that i wouldn’t get to sleep with you both). I think up until fourth grade in elementary, i would still sneak up to your beds and sleep sandwiched in between of your arms. 

But of course, I had to act cool and try to be independent. And this dumbass self distanced himself to his refuge. 

I think all of us at least try to establish this persona where we are old enough to take care of ourselves, to embark to adulthood. And i think i went through that too early, missing too much of my childhood that i should have spent with you both.

The point of all this is that, i never really thanked and showed my love for you both. There might have been many, MANY, instances where i would have raised my voice or ignored all your advices, and i’m very very sorry for that, but never in my entire life have my worry for both of you left my mind, Especially now, your both aging already. 

I never even asked how are you, or are you okay. I would always complain about food, allowance, art materials and other expenses. Yet i always ALWAYS stutter when i try to ask you how your day was.

i don’t know why i struggle to say, I love you, but i wish one day, soon, i can tell you this both together. 

[litratonijuan]

Weekend Rush

2nd Saturday out in Manila. Last week I shared with y’all photos from my first day out in Manila wherein I walked my go-to places for a walk before ECQ happened. So this time around, I first walk along Ongpin then checked out the Aranque Market. And to my surprise that even on a weekend, it was jam-packed. I wonder what this place looks like on a weekday. After visiting this area, I checked out parts along Recto and captured lots of people on their bikes. The place was quite busy again. I hate to use the words but I guess people now are living the “new normal”.

Stay safe everyone!

[dextercaranguian]

Here’s to a lost key and abandoned lock

I still remember how I started painting this supposed gift to you; every brushstroke to this leftover canvas from making the one lovechild we had over beer and roadside food I kept thinking that maybe this will help fill that awkward gap that keeps widening and widening every day we tried (or maybe I only did) to avoid each other’s eyes especially when we (again, or I) don’t have anything urgent to talk about.  We’ve been through so much that I thought maybe this is just one of those things we can talk over coffee while letting ourselves drown in the chatters and laughter of other people surrounding our table, or even while walking down the city streets lit under the colorful lights of stars and peeking club lights. Maybe it didn’t

Now, it’s been months since the last time we tried to keep a conversation going. 

Why?

I still remember how you hated and forbade me to never say the word ‘sorry’ ever again. And now, I realize why I never had the courage to talk to you again. 

1) Other than sorry, I didn’t know how to start a message to you again because I believe that even my Hi or Hello wouldn’t do you any good, or that it is already a sin to talk to you since I have many things that I shouldn’t have done;

2) And because I have many unkept promises, add the fact that I am BAD at managing activities, time or anything at all, all those things that I should have done have piled up and now I am too distraught and unmotivated to touch it;

3) As I am making this list, I realized that maybe I made so many excuses to justify my shitty behavior that I have been so selfish and forgot that there’s also you in that equation;

4) Lastly, because I am afraid that I have become the very person I never wanted to be, the kind of person that we both agreed to never become to, the kind of person that hurt you.

and no, this is not an apology, but a midnight bleep that i will probably regret, but more than that, i just want one of my internet personas to carry this heavy feeling for me. no, this is not what you think it is bec you, of all people, know that you can never know what a person thinks, let alone feel.

i wanted another coffee, another night walk, another late night fight with bugs outside the coffeeshop, another shot, 

[terramantra]

[dextercaranguian]

i want this in my room

[dextercaranguian]

i envy how flowers were able to bloom and wither, and still have a chance to bloom beautifully after. will i ever get my chance to? 

another episode of flower uploads at the break of dawn, thoughts trailing to existential questions

[dextercaranguian]

Ash Wednesday Mass (March 6, 2019)

[insane---world]

[dextercaranguian]

insanely satisfying. would jump right into my phone if that would take me exactly where these gorgeous flowers are

[prinsomnia]

[dextercaranguian]

i don't really reblog but this gif is literally me rn. except I'm holding my phone obv. afternoon

[dextercaranguian]

flashback of last years's month of hearts and, artists and arts

so last year's february was a busy month. a lot happened in and out of school, outside and in inside of me.

let the journal talk to you

-

♡

-

and to end this month, here's a treat for myself (ughh ❤)

shoutout to McDonald's, you've outdone yourself this time!

To the staff responsible for the idea, thank you for EXISTING! Hearts for you ♡♡♡ And to the team/indiv behind the design of the burger's wrapper, you have my respect! Kudos!

Flavors of Japan is a bop(idk if it's making any sense but)