Ransom Week Days Three and Four- Pressure and Faith
I guess this is my fucking journal or something.docx
I dont know this fucking writing bullshit is Derek’s thing but what the hell, here we go. I made the mistake of telling him about my feelings, and he suggested I try to get it all on “paper” (or laptop I guess fuck a notebook) as a way to like “let the bad feelings flow out of my fingertips” or something. Whatever the fuck that means. Okay im being a dick hes a really good boyfriend and this may not be a bad idea. Who knows.
Anyway. I feel bad today. Pre med is fucking hard, being an athlete is fucking hard, being a student athlete is fucking hard, managing a schedule with a relationship is fucking hard. Being with derek is easy. Though I have no idea how he fucking deals with me, I feel like I just spiral between exhausted and anxious these days. I keep snapping at him and I keep apologizing but that doesn’t make it okay. Idk. I just feel so much pressure all the time, like my mom and dad are goddamn doctors Im the first kid in college so I should be a fucking doctor, but like Ife wants to be a goddamn engineer and Chika wants to be a pharmacist, so they’re gonna be the epitome of what every Nigerian parent wants. So why cant I just not?? Why cant I just take a year before I go to grad school and figure out what I fucking like? I dont want to be a doctor. There. I said it. I, Justin Oluransi, do not want to be a doctor. Holy shit. Ive never said those words. Ive never even texted them.
Shit shit shit fuck fuck fucking gddam fuck i have a biology degree what the fuck am i gonna do h my god oh my god oh my go
So. I talked to Derek and Holster. Derek supports me, not that I ever doubted that. Holster is a little pissed, he thinks Im wasting some bullshit gift, and like I get it I know Im fucking smart I know Im the kind of smart that people struggle for, but that shouldn’t define my future. Who knows maybe Ill venture out and find that I was still supposed to be a doctor, but why does my brain mean that I’ll never get the chance to try? I still have the degree, I already did the hard part right? I deserve a chance to be who I am. I deserve the chance to figure out who that even is. Derek has faith in me, and so does Lardo, who found out because Adam Birkholtz has never used an inside voice in his entire goddamn life. But I still haven’t made holster get it. And it really shouldn’t matter to me except of course it fucking does because hes my best friend. His opinion is important to me. But also fuck him like hes worked with me out of more panic attacks than I probably even know of, he KNOWS me. he should trust me. Fuck him. Whatever.
Anyway. I need to tell my mom and dad but dying honestly seems like a better alternative. They’re going to be so fucking disappointed in me. I really cant handle that, Ive never made them mad in my life? Ive never even upset them. They love Derek, they love Samwell, they love hockey. So I shouldn’t even be worried about it. I would get some encouragement from Derek but he knows as well as I do that it probably wont be a huge deal and will try to distract me with dick or something. Fuckin gorgeous hipster poet asshole, christ. Never mind. I don’t know. I cant shake the feeling that Im making the wrong decision, but I did pros and cons and there aren’t any serious outcomes, you know? At every angle I look at it, it works out. And even if it doesn’t I already have the degree to fall back on. Right? Right??? It’s gonna be fine. Im gonna be fine. Ive got Derek and Lardo and Holster will come around eventually. It’s okay im okay its okay it’s okay its okay
amandla
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theartofmadeline
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gummygunk
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