Do you think vampires use seasoning sometimes? Cause I’m imagining like Kino just carrying around some everything bagel seasoning and sprinkling on a human as he munches
the only opinion i have on kino, other than being a total ayato-reject forever left-on-read by daddy ketchup king karlheinz, is that his diet resembles a 40-year-old discord mod living in a basement (man is fueled exclusively by mountain dew and cool ranch doritos). you just KNOW he’s that annoying yelp reviewer trying to scam local businesses for free meals, or filming a tiktok to complain that the michelin-star portions are too small before aggressively dragging his entourage through a taco bell drive-through immediately after
anyways, as a gourmet adventurous food eater (as much as my laundry list of disabilities allow), this question struck my intrigue O3O
firstly, if you EVER implied their food/blood was bland, ruki + reiji would genuinely hunt you for sport across the mansion grounds. those two are absolute, insufferable culinary snobs who gatekeep, gaslight, and girlboss their recipes, even for a classic generic french toast. would rather perish than use a pre-made grocery store seasoning blend like a common mortal. will 100% lock themselves in the kitchen for six hours, wearing matching sterile aprons, hand-grinding rare botanicals to create custom, small-batch artisanal rubs and hyper-specific spice ratios from scratch—treating a Tuesday night dinner like the president himself just flew in. but you know their food is next to godliness so you can’t even complain too much. however, god forgive your unmatched desire for a stupid death should you ever seek first-hand kitchen tutelage from either of them, because they will treat a misplaced measuring spoon like a federal crime
then you have shu, who is a complete, vegetative deadbeat about all responsibility in life, but if a prime cut of wagyu steak is involved? bro undergoes a molecular transformation into a toxic michelins-star chef. is aggressively pro-peppercorn and will turn his face at it if the quality, origin, or coarse grind of the pepper on his meat isn't chef’s kiss
the younger ones are just chaotic lawless no cap. azusa will dump frank's redhot—or the vampire equivalent of pure, unadulterated capsaicin—on eVeRYtHInG and i mean everything. if a dish doesn't trigger a violent, wheezing heatstroke response, sweat beads, and a full-body caucasian panic, he. does. not. want. it. 👏👏👏 def a regular guest on hot ones. subaru secretly rides right shotgun on the spiciness train, but for a totally different reason. going with the classic HDB lore where the poor man cannot taste food normally (the anime bread-munching imposter is NOT my subaru #mycampaignfor2026). relies wholly on heavy ghost pepper heat because that agonizing chemical burn is the only neural sensation that registers on his tongue
kanato is a completely separate flavour disaster, possessing the palate of a deeply disturbed toddler (are we even surprised). he lives in a bizarre, extreme binary where everything MUST either be coated in tooth-rotting glaze of the four main elf food groups—candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup—or so aggressively brined in sea salt that it instantly dehydrates your vital organs. if his dinner doesn't look like a radioactive candy factory exploded over it, or a literal salt block meant for cattle, he’s murder-stabbing it with a fork
then you have the absolute disasters….
ayato is a basic hoe when it comes to culinary skills. if he is cooking for his girl, you are getting a pathetic grain of salt and pepper if you are lucky. 8/10 times the food is either burnt to an absolute crisp (rip shu’s fire trauma) or rawer than my ass after finally finishing a law essay. but the absolute second you cook a nice meal for him, he will aggressively smother your hard work in cheap ketchup, mass-produced hot sauce, and generic garlic powder without even taking a single bite first. the sheer audacity of this man speaks for itself
laito rarely ever touches a stove (since he treats reiji like his personal culinary slave anyway). but whenever he’s trying to manipulate a new girl into his bedroom with the promise of a "home-cooked meal", he secretly breaks into reiji's private quarters to steal his handwritten culinary notes. will fake a sophisticated chef persona, swirling a wine glass and talking about flavour notes—which is hilarious because bro literally cannot tell the difference between five-dollar corner store swill and a fine vintage. probably finds actual stiff alcohol like whiskey completely unpalatable unless it's drowned in sugar syrup and served as a fruity cocktail. but will keep up the act until he inevitably gets distracted trying to feel her up and burns the garlic to a crisp lmao
yuma is a classic, stubborn farm-to-table purist who thinks good, fresh mud-covered garden ingredients only need a pinch of basic sea salt because "real food speaks for itself”. you just know unseasoned boiled chicken breast and canola oil soaked sardines straight from the tin are a regular menu lineup for him. even a massive seafood lover like me finds that bone-addled mush absolutely NASTY, but he'll look at you like you're the crazy one for wanting flavour
meanwhile, kou is a total corporate slave who just eats whatever processed junk food brand deals his pop idol managers shove into his hands—he’s always the first one in the mansion to buy into dumb tiktok food trends, and he 100% chugged a bottle of pink sauce on a live stream just to boost his engagement
tldr: coking cooking for yourself is probably the safest option lol
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