False face must hide what the false heart doth know. @diamonds-andwhatnot - Tumblr Blog

Products of the circumstances.

Tracey goes to Draco for some Hangover Potion after Seamus' party. They talk about feelings and the right person. Written with the lovely @lord-dracomalfoy.

Tracey was fidgeting with her fingers as she approached the so known by now dorm door. She knocked lightly, as if knocking a bit harder would drain her out of energy. And maybe it would, since she woke up her temples had been throbbing and her vision became slightly blurred from the big-ass migraine she was having. She waited not so patiently for Draco to open the door.

Draco scrambles up and rushes over to the door. Even though he knows logically that Harry wouldn’t knock at their own door, it doesn’t stop that little tendril of hope from taking root in his chest. He wrenches the door open, then tries to hide his disappointment when he sees Tracey outside. “Oh- hey, Tracey. What’s up?”

“Expecting someone else, I guess?” Tracey says, narrowing her eyes as she sees Draco’s flash of disappointment struck his face. “Nothing much, I was hoping the potioneer I have for a best friend would have some hangover potion.” She says propping herself down on his bed, wincing as her head gives a spin and some black spots appear in the corner of her eyes. “Bloody hell.” she thinks massaging her temples softly. “Yeah, of course. Hang on.” Draco scoops the bottle of hangover potion off Harry’s beside table, flushing a bit as he takes in Harry’s rumpled sheets and his own neat bed. Hoping he doesn’t look too guilty, he settles himself next to Tracey, handing her the bottle and gently brushing the hair off her face. “Rough night?”

“Rough falls short.” Tracey says as the droplets of potion hit her tongue, the bitter taste making her pull a face. Her mind clears almost instantaneously, her temple slackens and her shoulders don’t feel strained anymore. “Merlin, I needed that.” She says as she looks up at Draco. “But how was your night? Had a lot of fun? With… I-I mean you know. Y-You didn’t come back to the party after… you and..” Tracey clears her throat as she stutters her way out that sentence. Draco’s eyes widen, and he looks down at his hands as he says, “Well, Potter was pretty drunk, so we just- we stayed in after that.”

“O-Oh… right. So I suppose Daphne left to her room a-after… yeah, sure.” Tracey says, her hands playing with the loose threads on Draco’s bedspread. Draco stares at her in confusion before realization strikes. Fuck, he’d almost forgotten about all the shit that had happened during the party- he’d been so focused on what happened after the party that he could barely think of anything else. But of course, Tracey’s here to talk about the Daphne situation. Terrific.

He leans against the headboard, drawing one leg up against his chest as he considers how to handle this. “Yeah, I returned to the party alone after that. Daphne was tired, so she decided to stay in her room.” Tracey snorts when she hears the word tired of course she would be, after Draco surely fucked her brains out. Damn, it. Why the hell did she care? She pretty much sleeps around, so why shouldn’t Daphne? It’s not like they’re together, nor does she have any feelings for her. She folds her legs beneath herself as she pushes her hair aside from her face. “Yeah, what was that all about? Since when do you sleep with Daphne?” She tries to sound as uninterested as possible, but her tone tells another story.

Draco says carefully, “Why wouldn’t I sleep with her? She’s hot, she’s sexy, and she’s sweet. It’s the ideal combination.” And it is the ideal combination. Draco loves the sweetness, love how it somehow intensifies the naughtiness, the sense of urgency and wanting to keep them innocent while also wanting to defile them. It- fuck. He reminds himself to focus, not to think about… him right now. He has to stay present. “Yeah, obviously.” Tracey says rolling her eyes, failing to hide her discomfort. Yes, of course she feels uneasy. With Theo away, and she not being so sure how she feels anymore. God dammit. Why does everything in her life keep falling apart? Since when do things not work out for her? This has never happened to her before, and she hates it. “I-I mean, us Slytherins are always pursuing for the best, aren’t we?” She can’t help but wince at how fake her words sound. She’s not even mad with Draco, she’s not mad with Blaise, or Daphne, or Theo for that matter. She just finds herself utterly pissed by how badly she seems to be handling all of this situation.

Draco inclines his head in agreement. “Yes, yes we are.” He reaches out for Tracey’s hand, running the pad of his finger over the bumps of her knuckles. “And who is the best, you think?” Tracey instinctively draws her hand back, she doesn’t realize until she’s clutching her hand above her chest. “I-I… Draco you know how I feel, you know who owns my thoughts. Even if he, just won’t care at all.” Tracey says with a barely audible sigh. She hates feeling like this, so unwanted by the person you want the most, but also knowing you’re hurting someone because of the same damn thing. For Salazar’s sake. Why did she had to fall for someone? For anyone? Feelings suck.

Draco nods, dropping his hand down to rub slow circles around her knee. “I know. I guess you just have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. If he’s worth the wait.” Tracey rubs her eyes, as if doing it would keep the tears at bay. “And how can I know? What if I ask myself and I don’t know the answer?” She swallows hard, trying to get rid of that obnoxious knot in her throat. She scoots closer to him, laying her head on his shoulder. “I don’t know what to tell you,” Draco says quietly. “Sometimes you just have to trust your gut. Do what feels right.”

She sighs in frustration. “Sorry for making out with Potter last night, by the way.” Tracey says smiling and looking up at him. “Although you did get revenge with Daphne, I must say.”

He rolls his eyes lightly. “That wasn’t revenge, Tracey. I’m not Thomas- I don’t get crazy jealous over some kissing. It’s fine.” His lips curve into a faint smirk. “And besides, not much to worry about there, is there? What with Potter’s whole ‘shagging girls is weird’ thing. It’s quite reassuring.

Tracey starts laughing and her cheeks flush a bit in amusement as she remembers. “God, that was funny.” She says as she tugs a lock of hair behind her ear. “You do have it easy, don’t you?”

“What do you mean?” asks Draco.

“Well, you’re into Potter, Potter is into you… it’s easy, no one gets hurt.” His eyes widen. “You think Potter’s into me?” She places her hands on his chest and looks at him, directly in the eye. “Merlin, Draco. You can’t possibly be that blind.”

Draco puffs up in indignation. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“The way he looks at you.” She says smiling, pushing a strand of Draco’s hair that had fallen in front of his eyes, leaving her hand on his cheek. “It’s the way I wanted someone to look at me.”

Draco drops his eyes to the bedspread, his cheeks flaming as he mulls this over. “Oh. That’s- wow.” Without looking up, he asks quietly, “You really think so?”

Tracey smiles, more to herself. “Of course, besides. Look at you, all blushy.” She says, one of her fingers beneath his chin. She tilts his head up so that he’s looking at her. “I’m so glad to see you like this, Draco.”

Draco wrinkles his nose. “What, completely out of my element and fucked?”

“Precisely.” Tracey laughs and rubs his shoulder in a reassuring gesture. “You do seem happier than when you were in your element.”

He smiles dryly. “I don’t know if happier is the right word. I’ve been all… anxious recently. It’s quite disconcerting.” Trying to sound nonchalant, he adds, “But it’s- being with him is… nice. I suppose.”

“Why anxious?” Tracey says, scooting a bit closer. A frown of concern taking place on her forehead. Draco tries to figure out how to put these- these horrible feelings rattling around his chest- into words. “Because it’s bloody weird, isn’t it? It’s weird for me to care, and to care about Potter is just- it’s insane. And I don’t know what he’s thinking, or if this matters at all to him, because he just splutters and flushes and really, that could mean any number of things. And then I feel guilty for fucking around, like it’s- I don’t know, like it’s not fair to him, which is ridiculous because he said I could and it’s not like we’re… anything, really. And then I get so stupid around him, which- I never get stupid! That’s just not me. But Potter just- he brings it out of me.” He takes a deep breath, vaguely horrified that he’s now resorting to rambling about Potter and feelings.

Tracey cups Draco’s face, her eyes fixed on his. As if doing this would get her words through his skull. “Listen to me. Don’t tell me it’s not in you to care. You do care. You’ve cared for me for so long. After the war you were more concerned about me than you. About any of us. Pansy, Blaise, Daphne. Yeah, maybe you don’t care about everyone but you care. And if it upsets you so much not to know if Potter feels the same, it is really easy to know. Just ask him.”

Draco’s eyes are enormous, his heart hammering so loudly that Tracey must hear it too. “What if- what if he doesn’t, though? I’d rather not know. The uncertainty- it’s better than knowing he can’t feel the same way.” Tracey thumbs Draco’s cheek in a way to reassure him. “What if he does ? Wouldn’t it be far better to know sooner?”

Draco leans into her touch, his brows drawn together. “Yeah, maybe. But I’ll- you know I’ll just fuck it up. And then we’ll have to spend the rest of the year in an awkward, tense standoff, and that’s just… it’s not what I want.”

“Draco Lucius Malfoy. Since when do you question yourself like this? Of course you won’t fuck it up, why would you? Besides, it’s teamwork, you can’t make it work by yourself as you can’t screw it up by yourself either.“ Tracey says a little smile on her lips. Draco’s smile is tinged with sadness. “If there’s one thing I’m an expert on, it’s fucking things up for myself. I have self-sabotage down to a science. And I- I don’t know how to do it, to be someone’s… boyfriend.” He scrunches up his face in distaste at that word. “And that’s what he’d need, for him to be happy. I just- can I even give him that?”

Tracey frowns slightly. "I think… that when you find someone you just fit. And everything just works out, you find that place in the middle, where you are both happy and comfortable with each other.”

A surprised smile slowly dawns across Draco’s face, erasing his previous doubt. “Trace, that’s- that’s really nice. I like that.” He tilts his head to press a kiss against her palm. “You really think it’s like that? That there’s someone out there who just complements us?” Tracey flashes Draco a warm smile. “Of course, I read this Greek Muggle book once, and I remember it said that once humans were made with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. And Zeus, afraid of their power, condemned them by spliting them in half, and cursing them to look for their other half.” Tracey says almost absent-mindedly. “Now that I say it out loud sounds kind of dumb.” She smiles to herself as she runs her hand down Draco’s face, placing it on his shoulder.

“No, I like that,” Draco says slowly. “That idea, that we can find the other half of ourselves in someone else. But that- it seems to imply that we’re somehow lacking by ourselves. And wouldn’t- wouldn’t it be more like you find someone who both accepts and softens the harder parts of you? They don’t try to change you, they just- bring out the best in you, I guess.”

“I truly believe that when someone loves you and is right for you, won’t have a problem with how you are, and will always bring out the best in you.” Tracey says shrugging and resting her head on Draco’s shoulder. “And for what I see, I think Potter does that. He just, seems to be redefining you. And you’re both learning from each other, don’t you think?”

[: Somewhat thrown by Tracey’s usage of love and Potter in the same thought, Draco blinks for a minute before responding. “I… do. He- he’s surprisingly accepting of me so far, even of the shit that- well, that no one should accept. I just…” His voice turns rougher, his eyes wilder. “He doesn’t know the half of it, what I- I had to do. When he finds out, there’s no way he’d still feel this way. Assuming he feels anything at all now.”

Tracey shifts so she’s facing him again, frowning deeply. “Draco, as keen as you are on telling everyone, you are not perfect. As much as we pretend, none of us are. We are the result of circumstances, what we do in this circumstances is what defines us. You can’t possibly judge someone because you don’t know what they had to do.” Tracey says pushing a strand of hair away from his face. “Everything you did, you did it out of love, we all did. Out of love and fear of losing what we held most dear. Yes, we got caught on the wrong side of a war. But we had no choice.” Tracey says quietly, peacefully. Her hand placing on Draco’s cheeks. “And if Potter can’t see that, then he’s not worth it.”

[frowns, his brows drawn together. “That’s- that sounds nice, when you frame it like that, but I- I don’t know, it’s still hard to accept.” Drawing a deep breath, he says quietly, “I made some fucking horrible choices. I wouldn’t blame him for hating me for them. He should. He- he doesn’t seem to, though, and I just don’t get why. He has more reason to hate me than almost anyone.”

sighs, her hands running through his hair in an attempt to comb it. “Love knows no reason. You should just feel lucky, I-I mean you complement each other really well and… well it seems kind of perfect. At least the way you’re friends right now.” She smiles half-heartedly as her eyes dart to the apparently very interesting bedspread

“Yeah,” Draco says softly, a small grin pulling at his lips. “Yeah, it seems pretty- wait, love? I- hold on a minute there, Trace. We’re- I don’t even know what we are, but I know we’re not- not that yet.”

“Well, you just said it yourself. Not yet. Besides, I was kind of talking more about myself I guess.” Tracey smirks faintly as she takes in Draco’s distress. His pulse starting to return to normal, Draco nods. “Ah, okay. Right.” He takes her hand in between his, rubbing slow circles against her palm. “Thinking about Theo?”

“Theo… Daphne…” Tracey says absentmindedly. “Unrequited love basically. It sucks you know? I don’t get why Theo is so keen to be with Blaise when they both know they just don’t work right.” Tracey says almost in a whisper, not sure whether her words would upset Draco.

Draco sighs. “I don’t know either. Sometimes you just want the wrong person, whether it’s because you don’t think you deserve something real or you just can’t see the flaws or you just feel drawn to them, despite everything. Honestly, I’m really surprised they’re still- whatever they are. I thought they’d get it out of their system after their disastrous attempt at dating.” Draco looks at Tracey carefully, his thumb skating across her wrist. “You think Theo’s that person for you? The one who complements you?” Tracey shrugs and shakes her head slowly. “I don’t even know anymore. I don’t even care for that matter. Even if he is that one, I am not that one for him, it’s Blaise.” Tracey sighs looking down at Draco’s thumb caressing her wrist.

“You don’t have to know,” Draco tells her. “It’s fine to still be figuring it out. I mean, the chances of finding that person now, this early- it’s pretty slim. And we’re still so- god, we’re so fucking young, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. It’s good for us to just be exploring now.” Glancing up at her from beneath his lashes, he adds, “And sometimes it’s good to try something new, something we wouldn’t expect would be good for us.”

Tracey smiles at him, locking her eyes with his. “That sounded a lot more like you meant it for you rather than me.” Tracey intertwines their fingers together and gives them a gentle squeeze. “Don’t worry for me baby, I’ll figure it out somehow, and I’m sure you will too.”

Draco huffs irritably. “As shocking as it to grasp, I was not speaking about myself. Potter’s- he’s not really a surprise for me. I was thinking about you, and how it might be a good idea to give someone a shot even if it doesn’t seem like the most likely match.”

“You mean Daphne?” Tracey says rolling her eyes as realization hits. “So that’s why you put up that little show yesterday… You were trying to make me jealous. Why the hell would you do that?” She says her face slightly contorted in uncomfortableness. “What do you mean?” asks Draco, puzzled. “I hooked up with Daphne because I wanted to. Doesn’t mean I don’t think you should give her a chance too.”

“I know you did it because you wanted to, on the other hand it sounds so much like something Daphne would do. You see Draco, I’ve known her for so long; and we’ve been friends for that long and I know her better than she thinks I do… which is why it’s hard for me to give her a chance.” She says shifting awkwardly on Draco’s bed, her arms hugging herself and a frown placed on her forehead.

Frowning, Draco taps his lip in thought. “You don’t think it’s possible that she just wanted me too? Because I hate to break it to you, Trace, but it certainly seemed like she was into it. She was very- receptive, and it hardly seemed forced.” He shrugs, his palms splayed out behind him. “But let’s say that that was her endgame- so what? Why does that automatically put her on your shit list? Theo’s incredibly manipulative- he does worse shit than this all the time.”

Because- God! I don’t want anything with either of them! With anyone for that matter.“ Tracey says slightly shaken. "I-I’m not into that thing anymore… not when…” she trails off as she pushes her hair away from her face, her eyes reddening as she struggles to calm herself.

“Not when what?” Draco asks gently, shifting closer and reaching out to cup her cheek. “Not when the people you love are the ones that hurt you the most.” Tracey says in a barely audible whisper, leaning into Draco’s comforting touch.

Draco’s mind is whirling as he tries to catch up with Tracey. Keeping his voice soft, he wraps his arm around her shoulders and rubs his thumb in small circles. “I think it often works that way, unfortunately. Caring about someone almost automatically gives them the power to really hurt you. But it’s- theoretically, they can make you feel better than anyone else can, right? That’s the risk- it could be amazing, or it could blow up in your face. I guess you just have to wait until you find someone that makes the risk seem worth it.”

“If you put it that way, it means I probably haven’t found it.” Tracey says softly, her voice devoid of any trace of happiness. “We’re only eighteen. You’ve got nothing but time.” Draco presses a kiss to the top of her head. “And until then, you’ve got me. You’ve got all of us. It’ll be okay.”

“Not quite yet. I’ve still got a few days of the joy that is being seventeen.” Tracey says in a fake dreamy voice as she flutters her lashes at Draco and then snorts. “I know I’ve got you, and I’m forever grateful for that.” She places a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“Good. And as you should be. I’m delightful.” Draco smiles down at her, tugging a lock of her hair playfully. “Started making any birthday plans?”

“Actually I was planning on doing something, but I dunno. You think someone would actually show up?” She snorts and shrugs. “Not the epitome of friendly here.” Tracey says gesturing towards herself. “You’re fun, so I figure lots of people will want to come. And if they don’t show, then you don’t want them there anyways. I mean, do you really want a bunch of Gryffindors and Puffs there who take kissing so seriously that they’ll disrupt an entire party because they got jealous?” Draco makes a face. “We can have an old-school Slytherin party. Lots of drinking, lots of sex, no rules.” His tone gentles. “And don’t sell yourself short. We want to do something for you. We all care about you, you know that.”

Tracey can’t help but smile widely. “You are right as always. I might rely on you to plan the old Slytherin party. You’re obviously welcome to bring Potter.” She winks at him and places a kiss on his temple. “I’ll head off then, got stuff to do. Thanks for the potion love.”

“Course. Anytime.” Draco climbs off the bed, offering her a hand. “We’ll make it an epic party. You deserve nothing less.”

“I know, right?“ Tracey says smiling as her hand reaches for the knob. "I’ll take your word for it. See you later, baby.” She opens the door and leaves feeling slightly better than before, although that could’ve just been the potion.

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False face must hide what the false heart doth know.