𝖽𝗂𝖺𝗇𝖺 𐙚

modern day carrie bradshaw

[dianaasdiary]

7/2/2026

this is not the life i want. i am desperately running towards a life i don't want. but i don't know what else to do. nothing else feels achievable enough. i am scared of risks. i am scared of reality. i think ill live in regret forever. i want to live in a cryo, in a matrix, any fucking where with my consciousness in a world i want to live in. i want escape so bad.

[dianaasdiary]

27/1/2026

she died. i didn't really feel anything. i keke-d the whole day. the only thing i feel is anxiety for the future. they were like a protective shield. you knew your parents were safe as long as they're alive. but now they're gone. that generation is done. you know who's next. and it scares you. death scares you.

[dianaasdiary]

26/1/2026

who am i?

who am i trying to be?

who am i evolving into?

[dianaasdiary]

22/1/2026

i hate the concept of death. i hate that we are living on limited time. why be born at all when all that is left is to wither and die. aging is awful, dying is awful, living is awful.

i can sense her life slip away with every breath. this is the THIRD time im seeing someone die in real time. and it's fucking existential. life hangs on till the last fucking minute. god i hate that i can perceive all this. my s*r*sa*ti p*j* is ruined. is this god's punishment for my lying? forgive me, god, i beg you. i beg of salvation.

[dianaasdiary]

20/1/2026

life will not always be like this. you would not be able to sleep when you want, wake up when you want, have nothing to do all day and just roll around in blankets. life will be busy, tired. will i miss what i have now? the zero responsibilities and work? no studies, no office, no housework just chilling all day?

quick recap :

i watch avatar 3

i chose to walk out of exams and now i have to sit for all 3

no romance

twitter popping off

i am anxious thinking of what's to come. the constant grinding, networking, working, fixed schedules, actual work just kill me now.

[dianaasdiary]

7/1/2026

do you believe in karma? do you believe in curses?

things would get worse but how much worse can they get? do they finally get bad enough to be ammunition? would you do it? would you finally take the leap? would you finally defeat the survival hardware in your brain , jump off the ledge and be free forever?

i can't help but go back to you. you who promise eternal peace and relief - my coveted non existence. my morbid curiosity craves you.

what is the best way to perish? an accident? an illness? self served? i'd rank accident the last. there is something unfair about having your choices taken away in such an abrupt, violent way. illness second because counting down the days is agony. so does that make self demise the crown jewel of perishing? am i working towards a future where i can have the death i want? the most peaceful one? is that truly not life's greatest achievement?

the year is in january and already ramping up my depression, angst and self ideations to a crazy degree. it is cold as a bitch outside, my ed is relapsing, i feel ugly and i haven't studied shit. i just can't do it anymore. and oh i was also dogpiled on twitter. fuck those dykes, fuck those queers.

[dianaasdiary]

5/1/2026

i hate writing the number 2026. i hate how fast time flies. i hate how we age and decay. i hate how i can't do anything about it but watch youth slip by while im stuck in a stupid ass country. i know the only way out is working but oh my god i fucking HATE everything - i hate this fucking course, i hate this fucking job that keeps me in this fucking city, i hate that everyone has their fucking shit together, i hate that i can't talk to my friends about it, i hate that im so fucking powerless against myself, against habit, against time. i hate everything. i hate life. god have mercy on me. i don't know how anything is going to get better even if i gaslight myself into being grateful. god give me strength.

life update:

totally in love with sylus

got a bunch of hot guys in dms but no replies yet. im starting to think my worst fears about love might be coming true

i need to connect to god properly and that can only be done through repenting

still into Apollo

amino dead officially, another part of childhood dying. at least I was with it till the end - 8 years

i really need SOMETHING ANYTHING to give me hope and excitement

i don't want to be depressed

[dianaasdiary]

1/1/2026

when i am too lazy to switch to my ranting account so i start bitching from my religious psychosis account.

so far

-i am very depressed over mileven

-i am very much in love with sylus

-i need sleep

[dianaasdiary]

mike wheeler WISHES he was as miserable as me for losing eleven, im popping antidepressants and blasting fleetwood mac as we speak

[dianaasdiary]

so the abused girl who had been sacrificing from the very beginning and finally found the love of her life and a family had to die? oh ok.

[dianaasdiary]

31/12/2025

on the last day of the year as i sat there with my last rose browsing the digital dating catalogue, i realised i had yet spent another year single with no eligible bachelors in sight. i had also not studied the entire year and even at 5am on 31st i hadn't touched ink. i had quite literally wasted the entire 2025 and the scariest part was i did not feel either guilty of regretful. or even if i did, it was buried so deep within i would choose ignorance over confrontation.

i don't remember exactly what i wished under the table last year. i know the ones that didnt come true - pass first attempt and find a boyfriend. i don't want to make any plans for 2026, i don't have any goals. despite my complains about the innate stagnation of 2025, i acknowledge that it was peaceful with little summer heat which is much to be grateful for.

if god loves me and my worship, my devotion is real then i thank god for the peace he gave me. i hope god would salvage me and guide me and protect me and keep the eternal peace with happiness. peace is all i hope for.

[dianaasdiary]

you either become a skinny, no waist, backless top baddie with straight hair or you kill yourself

[kisu-doodles]

I need to know if it be true that Odysseus was killing the suitors while butt ass naked. If yes then I must release my inner clown

[dianaasdiary]

when i see a hot man with mid gf and he doesn't want to cheat and seems to actually love her

[dianaasdiary]

3/12/2025

-today i clocked that bridget mendler who plays american dolly is the one with a shit ton of degrees

a rando roh*n who has previously ghosted me started hitting me up again, weird vibes

fine shyt ved**t posted with his girl god knows when they'll break up

i have hyperventilations about age but i try not to think about it

i might be nearing 27 when i pass which makes me want to die

if i had a do over id know what to do this time

how late is late?

[dianaasdiary]

jinu can crack me anytime, anywhere, anyhow he wants

[dianaasdiary]

19/11/2025

8:45 pm - my last day being a 22 year old. i scrolled reddit for hours about life, babies, old age, career. i am terrified of growing old. i don't want to be "22+ and stuck in inter", i don't know how to have it all - career, family, growth, love. i am stuck and i am doing nothing about it.

i don't know why age and the past makes me panic. i don't want to know, i don't want to remember anything. i want to lie in my blanket and not think. i feel like with every year that goes by, life both changes and doesn't change. it's a walk towards misery. life is unfair. why are we being raised as lambs for slaughter? why is growing up only awaiting loss and pain? i don't want to lose my youth, my beauty, my 20s. i am terrified of growing old and life not being the way it is. i want to go back to being 10 when dreams and hopes were the escape in life. i am close making them real so why am I anxious?

the age, the number is giving me anxiety. i hate to think and see how much i have changed. i am so scared.