When it comes to eating disorder recovery there is always a thin line between recovery and healthy eating, and pro ana and ed behavior. The social standards for beauty and health that we see in magazines and tv shows has led us to believe that being healthy is being skinny or fit, eating clean and controlled meals every day, and drinking lots of water. And not doing it so, to take care of the body you love and accept, but to mold you body to fit society’s standards and expectations of what a woman`s body “must” look like.
I developed an eating disorder when I was 15. I started recovery at 17/18 and I am almost 22 now. So far I had thought that for me to be recovered was to be “healthy”. To eat perfectly structured meals, and be fit. That meant gaining the exact pounds needed to be at my minimum “healthy” weight yet being “skinny”. In my twisted head, I expected to be recovered and healthy by staying skinny and having complete control over what I ate.
Instead of learning to love my body and accept it without punishing myself through food, I just changed certain rules of my eating habits; broadened it to some extent, but never got rid of the guilt, the “control” and the self hatred.
Things were perfect if I was able to eat those structured meals, and even some” prohibited foods”, work out and carry on my social and academic life. Yet this holidays proved that it was all a fucking lie.
I finished College and went on a 2 month vacation. One month of it as a backpacker. It all meant I had to leave my rules behind and enjoy the moment and what I could eat wherever it is I was. It worked for a time, since in my messed up head I could “allow myself” certain time off the eating habits. Yet, a month passed and I was still abroad facing different challenges food wise, unable to properly work out. Eventually the guilt, the negative thoughts and comparisons came back. Also, the anguish about the future and my self worth.
I had pride myself of being recovered, but discovered that the ED had still a lot of voice in my life. One little change in my food habits unsettled me and left me feeling completely hopeless and worthless. It made me realize that even today I feel like the only thing I have and have had for years is this; my image, my skinny self. In other words, the eating disorder. I thought I had come a long way. I honestly believed I was recovered, but talking to my dad (who has always been skeptical about all of this but yet tries to understand), made me realize I cling to my eating rules as if they were my life. I still expect to be skinny and perfect, because I still believe that is what success means. And getting rid of the rules and the fake “control” paralyzes me with fear…of “failure”, of “gaining weight”, of “letting people down”. As if I wasn’t worth more than this. As if my friends and family would stop loving me if I changed my eating habits or gained weight. As if everything I accomplished in Uni would magically vanish one day just by eating that one ice cream.
At some point I crossed that thin line bewteen health and recovery, and eating disorder behavior and mixed them both.
Being recovered means getting rid of all the ed rules and guilt. Means loving yourself and finding who you are and what you want to be and being confident about it. Not “staying skinny” or “fit”, neither following some mad rules in your head, or having “safe foods and unsafe foods”. It is about enjoying life and food without punishing yourself. It means working out because you feel like it, because you want to be stronger, because you want to challenge yourself, not to purge or lose some weight. It means being confident in your own skin and slaying like a queen. It means following your dreams and trusting yourself with the challenge.
It seems I forgot that a long the way and allowed myself to be tricked by society’s fake ideals of “health” and “beauty”. And that is why I am writing this. I just want all of you out there fighting with this disease to remember the true meaning of recovery. It is more than food. It is more than a picture perfect instagram body. It is more than a “fit challenge” or a “structured meal plan”. It is self love and happyness. Never forget that.