How to tell if you are emotionally abusive
I feel we talk about signs of abuse from the victims standpoint but not from the abusers standpoint. In order to stop emotional abuse and recognize when we engage in unhealthy behaviors I made this list.
Do you react to important people in your life by ignoring them completely and not acknowledging their presence? Especially if they do something you don’t like?
Do you feel that your partner/friends/family members are the cause of your bad moods or frustration?
Does your partner/etc “do things the wrong way”?
Do criticize your partner/etc for being unreliable or a bad person?
Do you feel you have to constantly overlook your partners flaws in order to be around them?
Are you frequently accused of being “moody” or “hard to please”?
Do your partners complain that “nothing they do is good enough?
Do your partners appear to avoid you when you are angry or upset rather then comfort you?
Do you negatively comment on their intelligence or appearence? Either in private or in front of others.
Do you blame them when someone goes wrong?
Do you ever use phrases like “I could just hit you right now” or “I”m so mad I could punch something”?
Do you ever punch walls/throw things in front of your partner/etc?
Do you leave during fights and not inform of where you are going and when you will be back?
Do you behave the same alone with your partner that you do if you were in front of your friends or in public?
Have you frequently accused your partner of being too sensitive?
How often is your partner praised and complimented by yourself?
Do you think your partner spends too much time with friends and family?
Do you feel your partners friends and family are trying to drive you apart?
Do you actively comfort your partner when they are upset or angry even if you don’t really understand why they feel the way they do?
If your partner brings up a behavior that bothers them do you respond by discussing how to change it or do you respond defensively?
Do you have difficulty apologizing?
All of these things are abuse tactics. Obviously even the healthiest of us will do these sometimes but if any one becomes a regular habit that’s when the problem starts.
this is super important, i feel like this website makes it easy to put yourself in the role of the victim but never the abuser. It’s also important to note that being a victim does not preclude you from being an abuser.
I find this esp. important. I’ve exhibited some of these behaviors. I know abuse perpetuates abuse and that victims of abuse learn abusive behavior. I also know that having mental illness can make reacting and dealing with feelings even more difficult. That being said: being mentally ill does not mean you cannot be held accountable for your actions. Nor does being a survivor of abuse. I gotta take care of myself & heal and recognize how trauma and mental illness plays a role in how I treat others. Being a victim doesn’t mean you cannot be an abuser too.
One of the reasons I always recommend Lundy Bancroft book ‘why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ to everyone is because it is an invaluable tool for highlighting the toxic aspects in our own personalities.
All men have been socialised with some of the traits/behaviours he speaks of, and the behaviours encourage attitudes and then the attitudes entrench behaviours. Breaking this cycle takes determination, honesty and self care, but it’s in invaluable journey.
I will also reiterate that abuse/abusive mentalities are not always consistent between relationships with the same person. What negatively affects one partner will slide right off the shoulders of or be immediately curtailed by another. What one partner needs another partner dislikes or doesn’t want. What will cause one relationship type to crash and burn horribly will support or confirm another relationship type. This is why abusers often have functional friendships and disastrous romantic relationships. This is why some poly abusers can have very functional relationships with one partner and disastrously harmful ones with another. Or, have great nonprimary relationships and terrifying primary ones, or whatever. Sometimes we believe it is acceptable to mistreat or behave badly only in specific types of relationship, so watch for that both in yourself and in others.