a diary of mono/poly

a blog about relationships between monogamous and polyamorous partners

[diaryofmonopoly]

Hey there! I was hoping you would be able to give some advice? My wife and I have discussed having an open relationship awhile ago and I never really thought about it before so we agreed we wouldn't be comfortable with it but we want a triad. But we aren't sure how to go about the dating. Also now that I've given it more thought I like the idea of an open relationship but I don't think she will respond well to that and think I love her less when I don't. Sorry this is so long thank you!

Hello! If you know your wife is uncomfortable with open relationships, I think you need to address the issue. It can be a slippery slope if people don’t agree on the terms of their open, somewhat-open, or swinging relationship.I’ve heard that Feeld is a good app for couples who want to date. OKCupid has even made some of their permissions, search, and profile settings more open to non-traditional relationships.But before you even go there, talk to your wife. Be honest and open. If she’s not open to an open relationship, she might not have the same expectations as you do about a triad. Dating as a couple can be strange. Looking for a threesome as a couple can be strange. Especially if you’re looking to find a 3rd who’s a woman, who is often referred to as a unicorn if there’s NSA sex. For instance, I get insecure about my partner talking to women without me knowing what he’s saying. So I make sure all communication is visible. I don’t like when he flirts too much with another woman. She might see flirting differently than you do.When you discussed an open relationship “a while ago,” did you bring it up or did she? How did that conversation end? 

[diaryofmonopoly]

I'm monogamous but my boyfriend is poly any advice?

Hey there. My advice? Read, read, read. Read as much as you can about polyamory. Ask as many questions as you can. Be as transparent as you can be. Communicate your needs to your boyfriend. Keep a journal. Write down sensitive thoughts before you express them. Figure out what your partner and his metamour(s) want in terms of meeting you (do they want to? do you? many metamours meet each other), interacting with you, etc. How long have you been together? Was he poly when you met? 

[diaryofmonopoly]

So, what did you ultimately choose for yourself? I'm leaning towards monogamish/swinging after 7 years of poly.

We are exclusive as romantic partners, so monogamy in that sense. But we do talk to couples and sometimes play with couples or single females. I've caught flack from poly friends for it, but most have been kind and understood. I don't think we will ever forge outside relationships again, not as long as we are together. But the possibility of play is out there.

[diaryofmonopoly]

Am I wrong or selfish for not wanting group sex or threesomes even though all people involved are polyam and attracted to eachother (including me)? I just feel like I'm ruining everyone's fun, but I can't avoid these kinds of situations because my love is also into everyone else I see, and they are into her too

Not wrong, not selfish. Your feelings have to be respected, too. Stay strong and continue to stand up for yourself.

[diaryofmonopoly]

From the Mailbag.

Hey. I have been reading through your blog and I really enjoy it. I started dating my current partner, M, a year and a half ago. M told me from day one that he was polyamorous. I continued seeing him because I believed he would change his mind eventually, and I also was not completely sure what polyamory was. For a year and a few months I was very clingy. Very suspicious. Jealous. At the time M was not seeing other people because he was trying to reassure me that he truly did want to be with me and loved me. But now he is going out, and having sex with others. We have spoken about our relationship. I really love M, and I want to be okay with the idea of polyamory... for him and for myself. I told him I will work on myself and with this polyamory thing. We live together and I struggle with jealousy and feelings that I am not enough for him. For example, there is this person, P, he sees every now and again. They talk often and it's mainly sexual but there is a very close bond with P emotionally. He will do things with P sexually that he will never do with me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I dunno, what is the best way to go about this? I want to be able to handle these feelings on my own as much as possible. Thank you.

First off, I’m so sorry it’s taken me a very long time to get back to you. 

So, I’m slightly confused here. If it’s mostly sexual, then how is it a very close bond emotionally? Not that there can’t be emotion in sex, but I feel like the way you phrased this, that it seems contradictory. 

Whether it’s a polyamorous situation or an “ex” situation, this is one of those areas where you’re going to have to trust that the bond between you and your partner is not influenced by anything else. Just because M wants to do or does things with P that he doesn’t do with you, it probably says more about M than it does P. Have you asked M why he doesn’t want to do these things?

I relate to not feeling like I’m good enough myself, but that’s something you really, really need to look at yourself, both within polyamory and outside of poly. This is so essential to succeeding in life, both personally and professionally! You *are* good enough, and I don’t have to know you to be able to say this. You are good enough because your partner chooses to work with you on these things. And if your partner chooses to break up with you and not work with you on these things, you’re good enough because you deserve better. 

If suspicion and clinginess is not an issue for you anymore, but jealousy and self-confidence are, this is largely about you needing to treat yourself better. You may even need to ask your partner to help you with this - to do things that help you be better for yourself. Ask your partner to recognize your love language (google it!) and build your relationship with your love language. Make your time with your partner about “quality” time, not “quantity.”  You can’t completely do this on your own. You need to communicate, be transparent about how things make you feel, but communicate it instead of acting out on it. If you’re jealous, state it in the right time and the right place. Don’t communicate it by acting jealously or demeaning P. Don’t communicate it by not answering texts, or instead texting or calling too much. Don’t communicate what you need to say with actions; say it with words, but resolve to take action every time. 

Also, discuss boundaries. Is M not doing these sexual things with you, and doing it with P, for reasons of boundaries? Find out. And talk about it. Hope this helps. Like it should be noted but I’ll say it anyways, my advice isn’t always perfect. I’m sure others will have good advice, if not better or more constructive advice.

[diaryofmonopoly]

Apologies for the silence lately

I've got fan mail and questions to answer, but I've been horribly busy! I'll be getting to them soon. Thanks for the patience.

[diaryofmonopoly]

Can I ask for some help? My long term partner (C) and I are planning a hang out with our mutual friends, I would like to invite my other partner (A) as well. C is okay with the idea but we don't know how to navigate? All of our friends know we are poly - but what if C or A become uncomfortable? It's our first time having a get together like this.

Hey there! Good question.

I was in this situation before. It was a metamour party, actually, but it was similar. I’m sure my partner was worried because his (now former) secondary/my ex-metamour has a flair for the dramatic and used to come unglued a lot. She probably still does. Anyways, I say this because… be real: will one of them become unglued?

Consider sensitivities for each of them. Are there pain points? Can you discuss anything that’s unresolved before this event? Because I think it’s good to make sure there are no huge issues that will for whatever reason come out when you’re in front of friends.

Is there a safe space where, if someone gets uncomfortable, they can go and get some privacy for a few minutes?

Your partners have met each other before, correct? It may help for them to get a few minutes with each other beforehand. Maybe arrive at the party together, or if you are hosting at your house, have the other partner come early?

So far, that’s what I can think of. Let me know how you would answer some of these questions and I may have more ideas from there.

edit: btw, my metamour party went well, during the actual party. My partner and I had a small argument after, but things went generally well. Apparently it didn't go so well for the metamour; she flipped her lid shortly after the party. I personally would be more worried about what happens during the party that may cause arguments after, and how to manage that, but that's largely based on my experience.

[diaryofmonopoly]

I just wanted to say your blog is wonderful and so are you!

Thank you! I appreciate it. Some people are rubbed the wrong way but I am being my honest self here. There are many ways to have a relationship and none of them are perfect. Hope you are well, Anon!

[unlearning-monogamy]

Polyamory and breakups

Being in polyamorous relationships, for me, has meant that I intentionally and critically question and talk through every aspect of a relationship with any person I am entering said relationship with.

It has meant a tremendous amount of effort put toward open and honest communication, with the goal of eliminating silent expectations.

In the beginning of a relationship, I invest a lot of time into the conversation of “who are we to each other?”

Whether we choose commonly used terms like “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” or create our own language to describe the relationship, it is always followed by:

“what does that mean to you?”

Putting this effort in on the front end helps lay a foundation for successful communication about issues that come up within the relationship.

So what about when the relationship ends?

In monogamy, when a relationship ends, there are a series of actions that are expected to occur, immediately:

Cease all forms of physical contact, intimacy, or tenderness

Change communication to platonic, or cease communication

Sever all ties to close friends and family of the other person

Inform others promptly of the split

Separate shared assets, divide belongings

Cease cohabitation if it is taking place

etc.

In polyamory, with relationships that are as complicated and nuanced as the individuals within them, the process of breaking up is far less clear.

Is this a shift in the nature of our relationship, or a termination of it? Are we ending our relationship romantically? Physically? Both? Does this come from incompatibility, disinterest, or a lack of love? Something else altogether? What will change, and what will not change?

Every single individual aspect of the relationship that was originally negotiated becomes re-negotiated during the process of breaking up, ending, changing, shifting, or re-evaluating an existing relationship.

It’s a parallel conversation through and through.

What will you call me in the new relationship we are entering? Who will I be to you after this transition?

Will our relationship include sexual or physical components? Are we terminating the sexual and physical components of this relationship?

How will you expect me to support you when things are difficult? Is my emotional support still warranted, or should I redirect that energy?

In my opinion, a breakup that comes from incompatibility, versus a breakup that comes from abuse or lack of love, can usually be approached with tenderness and care by the individuals involved.

All the time and energy that went into constructing a relationship that was meant to fit the people involved can be brought to the process of breaking that relationship up.

This compassionate approach to ending a relationship can result in a lot of wonderful things:

Closure about why the relationship needs to change or end

Explanation for the ways that things did and didn’t work

Termination of parts of the relationship that are damaging

Potential to salvage parts of the relationship that are still positive

Potential to maintain a compassionate and loving approach to the people involved

Knowledge of self and others

Ability to express needs, wants, etc. that might not have been expressed in the relationship

Breaking up can be sad and frustrating and overwhelming and exhausting, but if the people involved care deeply about each other it is possible for breaking up to be a new beginning in the same moment as it is an end.

[diaryofmonopoly]

I don't necessarily agree that the difference in this is polyamory vs. monogamy. I think it's mostly a difference in relationship styles; I have found in my circles, where a number of people I know are polyamorous due to my once-poly structure and just having many different friends, that the poly folks were actually far more apt to really cut it off. That's because the breakups I witnessed were because the person being broken up with was poisonous or toxic or went against good poly practices. They didn't want those people to harm their complicated structures or be any more harmful than they were already. And it probably happens when people close their relationships, too. Toxicity is to be avoided. That's probably why that kind of breakup exists in the first place - a fear of toxicity.

I think it's healthier to learn to cope with a breakup like this, instead of immediately ceasing all contact. That's my opinion. I think all relationships could benefit from being a lot less monochromatic.

I have always told someone why it didn't work out and it's because someone compassionately did the same for me. And he stayed with me while I cried, and comforted me. He's a friend I hear from every so often, even though I've certainly moved on and made a new life for myself.

[aurorasunrisesunset-deactivated]

What an open relationship is: love, clarity, communication, respect, commitment, valuing who you love as human

What an open relationship isn’t: cheating, not paying attention to their needs, a failed closed relationship, a fetish

[diaryofmonopoly]

Hi I was just wondering if it's okay to send an ask or submission of a personal experience relating to monopoly?

Of course it is! Submit away!

[diaryofmonopoly]

Why You Should Meet Your Partner's Lovers - The Establishment

In poly relationships, it helps for everyone to meet. Tacos don't hurt, either.

[diaryofmonopoly]

My Metamour Doesn’t “Own” Anything - Not Me, Nor My Partner

In fact, nobody owns... anything. That’s not how it works in healthy relationships.

Maybe it’s part of your kink lifestyle, but when it comes to poly relationships... don’t get too hung up on something being so specific to a paramour or metamour that it turns into ownership. 

I’ve realized that since my partner and I have left a polyamorous structure, I still have some hangups. I actively avoid anything associated with my now-ex-metamour; I viciously, decidedly hate anything she was associated with. Anything that made her special to my partner. I hate those things. I do. I can’t believe they still bother me this far down the line, after she’s been removed from my partner’s life.

But I had an epiphany tonight. That bitch does not own those things. She doesn’t own any of the Disney princesses (her pet name with my partner was Princess, and no I’m never going to let him call me that and he never will). She doesn’t own a scent or a flavor just because it was “her thing” first. She doesn’t own a color because he bought her things in that color. She doesn’t own a band or song that I can like just as well as she can. She doesn’t own my partner - and even though she seemed to think she did, I need to get it out of my head that she ever owned anything. 

So, fuck her. I’ve been careful not to say that, but I think I need to be less ‘thoughtful’ of her (she’s still ‘around’, if you will; she and my partner still have to see each other at work on occasion and we have a few acquaintances and friends in common). That’s basically how she treated me - with a “fuck her” attitude. So why am I still trying to mitigate that by avoiding it and avoiding anything associated with her? She has nothing to do with my life anymore, despite the friends in common. She has nothing to do with my partner’s life anymore, despite work - he tends to keep that pretty separate. If I want to associate with something that she may have seemingly “owned” in the past, I can damn well do that - because it’s not hers. 

And you know what? She doesn’t own me. She may have shit on my partner and treated me like I was his fling for a good long time, but she’s out of the picture. 

It’s time to fully let go. I can’t let her continue to control how I think of things. 

If there’s a lesson for anyone else dealing with metamours, it’s this: metamours become part of how you manage your relationship. These relationships need to be healthy, too, just like the relationship you have with your lover(s). If you don’t manage it well, it may come back to bite you. It may make the way you manage your relationship unhealthy. Do your best to manage these relationships well. You won’t regret it.

[diaryofmonopoly]

From the Mailbag

Hi! New reader here :) How do I broach the poly topic with my current SO? We've been together for almost 15 years; open but play strictly same room. I want to relay that nonmonogamy has always been appealing to me (though I have remained monogamous to my partner within the aforementioned boundaries because, duh, I love and respect them) In the past we've discussed polyamory and I was rebuffed but that was a few years ago before we opened up to play with others. How can I suggest mono/poly (as I don't think my partner is interested in other relationships) or just poly? Do you have any resources you can point me toward? Many, many thanks for all that you do with your blog!

Hi, new reader! Sorry, this is going to be long. Hope you’re OK with that.

There are SO many ways to do this. What’s tricky is the best way for your partner to understand your intentions, and with your partner, come to an agreement  that suits the both of you.

I’m not sure what your lifestyle leanings are, but you might be aware that FetLife.com has a strong community of poly and otherwise ‘open’ types - in part due to the different nature of kink, but also in part due to the shared taboo/stigma between poly and a lifestyle such as BDSM. The group MonoPoly - The New Game! is a great resource for both mono and poly folks, though this group seems to be more dominated by requests from mono people in relationships with poly people. I’d start out with some discussions there.

Why were you rebuffed in the first place? I’d make sure to revisit that discussion as best you can (in your own head, without speaking to your partner quite yet). Be careful in making new assumptions about your partner when this decision has been made once before. This could be the difference between being rebuffed again or moving forward with a poly lifestyle; remembering, to the best of your ability, and most honestly, what was important to your partner during this conversation/decision will be key in knowing how to bring it up again.

Not sure how far you’ve read back, but I’m not longer in a mono/poly relationship. We’ve still talked about it - mostly because I’ve brought it up with my partner, asking him if he feels happy in a mostly monogamous relationship. It’s been almost a year since we’ve been mostly monogamous - no outside relationships and no outside sex, but sometimes threesomes and couples play - but I feel that it’s important to rehash the conversation here and there.

Has your partner ever brought it up themselves? Mine actually did, sometime in the last month. He said that he never would’ve been comfortable with me being poly, and that’s how he knows he really isn’t cut out for a polyamorous relationship. He also feels that it’s a lot of work that he isn’t willing to do, which makes him think that the idea of polyamory is nicer, to him, than the practice itself. I personally believe that polyamory is a practice more than an orientation - some people really don’t like that, but it’s my belief - but even if it can be considered an orientation, still requires the practice to be fulfilled. Remember this when you bring it up with your partner because that’s often the root of a mono’s concerns: how will this be practiced? Behind that question could be this reason: because the mono wants to know how his or her status in your relationship will be preserved and how he or she will be able to live comfortably in a mono/poly situation. While some people are able to articulate this feeling, most are not. Remember that it’ll be difficult to articulate many feelings for the mono, especially if they were not anticipating this.

I started out in this relationship as mono/poly, so I had all of this to figure out in the beginning. I don’t envy people who have it brought to them without knowing what they’re getting into (some know, but most don’t). I also fully believed that my partner would be committed to polyamory, so I fully dedicated myself to being supportive of his desires. It turns out that he wasn’t really invested in polyamory the way one should be; he was seeking validation, sexual exploration, and freedom from what was a horrible marriage before he entered a polyamorous relationship. (For that matter, his ex partner wasn’t really seeking a positive polyamorous relationship herself; he suspects she wanted to replace her husband with him, or something of that nature. Anyhow.) I’m not sure how I would feel if he brought it back to our relationship, but as far as I can tell that won’t be part of our future anytime soon. Think about times when maybe you’ve been too comfortable in a situation; perhaps you were enjoying a work position that was easy but fruitful, or you were dating someone who didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Then all of a sudden you are released from work for a reason outside of your control or the person you were dating decided to break up with you for their own, personal reasons. Think about this and think about how you would like to be told and explained to that this job change or relationship ending is not, mostly, about you - and instead it’s about circumstances that aren’t indicative of who you are as a person or who you are to the person with whom you’re involved. It helps a lot to know from a polyamorous person that one is not seeking outside relationships because a partner is lacking anything. You know, glass half full, right?

Finally, don’t assume your partner isn’t interested in outside relationships. It might be a correct assumption, but “I want this but you can’t have it” may be the message your partner hears when it isn’t the case at all. Approach it as if they, too, have this option, because asking for polyamory without offering it is a faux pas that goes in many directions (and could be another blog post entirely).

At this point I’m not entirely sure what else to include but I wish you luck and I hope you and your partner can come to a place where both of you are happy with your arrangement. That’s the goal, isn’t it? :)

[diaryofmonopoly]

Informal Poll

Are you friends with your metamour(s)? Why or why not?

[diaryofmonopoly]

Trying this again

[altruisticsub-deactivated201610]

Yes, I am friends with my metamour. Why? Several reasons, I guess. She’s a cool person. It pleases my S.O. My S.O. doesn’t force it. They’re married. She has other S.O.’s. 99% of the time she respects boundaries.

[articulatemaster-deactivated201]

Polyamorous

[diaryofmonopoly]

The question was if you're friends with your metamour(s)!

[diaryofmonopoly]

From the Mailbag

Hello, I am a single gay male and I hope to end up in a gay throuple for long-term. I’ve always thought that, since statistically, gay couples begin exploring open relationships around 5 years… Adding 1 more to the relationship is safer than risking STI’s from random hookups. This isn’t just on the concept of sexual exclusivity, but also on the emotional aspect of love. That a major reason why most relationships fail is because we expect one person to be our everything, when in truth no one can be anyone’s everything. I hope one day I can find two men who will complete the dynamic of an equal throuple I am looking for. Truth is, I am having an extremely difficult time to find even just one man as it is. But I do know that I would want a lifetime with eventually two men, than have just one man and both of us breakup eventually over infidelity. On a side-note I was born into several life-lomg afflictions already, avoiding STI’s is ideal to me and my partner(s). Is this a healthy view on polyamory? Thanks

Hey there! I do agree that expecting one person to be “everything” is a major way in which relationships fail. However, I think the difference between monogamists who succeed in monogamy and those who don’t is that we set our expectations differently. It’s why I feel that polyamory isn’t always the answer. However, moderate expectations or rather expectations that aren’t too high can help a polyamorous person quite well, too. It sounds like you expect infidelity to be an issue. Handle that expectation carefully. Is it you who expects yourself to cheat, or do you expect that of someone else? While being cautious is always a good idea, this expectation can lead to self-sabotage. The math will always state that adding more people to the equation can increase risk of STIs. However, practicing safer sex and avoiding random hookups will help lower your risk. Everyone has to practice that, though. Everyone - no exceptions. Perhaps your expectation that you will end up in a throuple is not helping in starting as a couple. Take it one step at a time and make sure that when you start with a couple, be clear that a throuple (great word btw) is what you are open to. Few people like to start a relationship by hearing that their partner already isn’t happy with just them; even if that’s not exactly the truth, it can come off that way. Concentrate on having a solid relationship before you open it up, especially if both of you are new to open relationships. I think you have a good start. Good luck!

[diaryofmonopoly]

Polyamory doesnt work get off tumblr for once lol

Well clearly you haven't read my blog at all.