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I am a Vegan and do not believe in harming animals. Unfortunately, whenever I'm outside my dick keeps reflexively swatting flies, like a horse's tail. I constantly have these poor little crushed souls stuck all over my stomach, thighs, and lower back. How do I enforce my values onto my dick?

--Anonymous

Dear Tanner Burkus of Orange, CA,

Your dick can be trained to avoid certain reflexes with negative reinforcement. Try the following experiment:

Five times a day, spend a few minutes playing a tape recording of flies buzzing. When your dick instinctively begins slapping about, jab your dick with an electric cattle prod. Within a week, the reflex will be all but gone. After this point, you can limit the dick shocking sessions to just once a day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. How can an avowed Vegan justify purchasing a cattle prod? This ethical dilemma is indeed mystifying. If you are religious, you may want to talk it over with your pastor, rabbi, imam, or other spiritual guide.

But whatever you do, don't attempt to build your own electroshock device for use on your dick. Too high a voltage and your dick may shoot off like a rocket, ricocheting off walls in a terrifying fashion. "Play it safe!"

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

I care about earth's environment. Is my dick biodegradable?

--Anonymous

Dear Normand Krieg of Crystal, ND,

No. Human dicks are non-biodegradable, and their improper disposal poses a serious ecological threat to our planet's oceans.

I highly recommend that you speak with your probate lawyer about what to do with your dick after you've passed on. Most medical schools are happy to accept donated dicks for use as learning tools. Another option is willing your dick to the Arts--many struggling artists would be glad to "upcycle" your dead dick into beautiful and challenging installation art.

If you feel uncomfortable with passing your dick on to strangers, keep it in the family! Many people choose to have their deceased dicks bronzed or taxidermied, and incorporated into a "family dick tree" mural in their foyer. What better way to assuage the approach of death than to know that future generations of your progeny will gaze upon your old mummified dick as a cherished heirloom?

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

help! my dwinkus has tuned grey and hurts

--Anonymous

Dear Kirk Garcia of Dayton, OH,

"Dwinkus"? Oh boy, am I tired of hearing all these pitiful slang terms for dicks being thrown around. It's an epidemic! I'm going to make a helpful list.

It is IMPROPER to refer to your dick as:

Your "dwinkus"

Your "donut"

Your "derby"

Your "drake"

Your "drizzler"

Your "diglett"

Your "denethor"

Your "corn cob"

Your "angel foot"

Your "radish"

Your "skinwalker"

Your "panic button"

Your "geometric primitive"

Your "stork beak"

Your "fiddler on the roof"

Your "guidestone"

Your "zord"

Your "standing desk"

Your "brand"

Your "witch's tooth"

Your "river dolphin"

Your "son"

Your "crumblecake"

Your "real talkin' bubba"

Your "microblog"

Your "front-pit"

Your "under-antler"

Your "hip-flask"

Your "kernel"

Your "shin"

Your "flesh unicycle"

Your "MMORPG"

Your "yoga mat"

Your "starfish"

Your "yankee candle"

Your "california raisin"

Your "scrollbar"

Your "possible banksy"

Please DO refer to your dick as:

Your "dick"

That's it! That's the proper English term for that amazing organ that grows between our legs or, in some cases, between each of our fingers.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

My dick looks like a perilous thicket of briers, burrs and prickly thistles.

My friends often get ensared in my dick, which they can only escape by ditching the leg portions of their convertible pants-shorts.

They have taken to calling me "Brier-Patch Dick", a very hurtful name.

One time at a sleepover, I pretended to fall asleep, and I overheard my friends telling an old African-American folktale about Br'er Rabbit escaping from my dick. Although the story had a happy ending, I felt ashamed of my dick being used as an obstacle for the rabbit in the story. I began to cry and my friends heard me, but they thought it was a ghost. They ran screaming, but in the process they once again became caught in my dick's thorny brambles. Soon everyone was crying and screaming in fear, pain and confusion. It was the worst sleepover of all time.

Doctor, I do not expect you know how to fix this problem. How do you fix this problem?

--Anonymous

Dear Joel Lippincott of Glendale, NH,

A briery dick is no match for this trick:

Don some heavy duty gardening gloves. Grip as much of your dick as you can with both hands, and TEAR it out. Throw it in the garbage.

Repeat this process until all that is left of your dick is a single sprout. Treat it with care. Put up helpful fences and signage around it. Water it daily. In the springtime, it may produce berries. These are called dick berries. Share these delicious dick berries with your friends, and they will soon forget the nightmare your dick once was.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

i accidentally ran my dick through a funnel and now my dick is puny. want to see?

--Anonymous

Dear Cory Reynolds of Saginaw, MI,

Yes, of course. Please mail your dick photos to:

Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

2600 Virginia Avenue, N.W. Suite 200

Washington, DC 20037

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

My Dick Is Wigging Out

How Do I Stop My Dick, Or At Least Pause My Dick

Thank You Doctor

--Anonymous

Dear Mack Maclean of Roseburg, OR,

Spastic Dick is most often treated with 100mg of diazepam (Valium) injected into the dick's topmost surface.

A less addictive home remedy is to weigh down your dick with a small dumbbell and turn on a white noise machine near your dick. I cannot overstate the therapeutic value of white noise-- Spastic Dick is almost unheard of in oceanfront communities!

If you can't afford a white noise machine, you can also try tucking your dick into a conch shell.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

So the world did NOT end (fucking Obama) and great, guess now I am gonna have to take care of my dick after all. THANKS OBAMA.

I stayed out on my roof all day waiting for death. The sunlight left my dick tawny and crisp. My dick is worthless now.

This is Obama's America. Obamacare death paneled my dick and I'm $7,000 in debt. I'm a small business owner and I could be using those dollars to fix my dick and create jobs. Mitt Romney would have not let my dick become a ruined piece of trash.

President Romney would have had what it takes to let the Mayan apocalypse happen. He would not be afraid of God damned Chinese asteroids. But no. Everything went to shit the moment America turned its back on America and let my sunburnt dick plummet off the fiscal cliff so FUCK YOU

--Anonymous

Dear Chris Floyd of Louisville, KY,

Sounds like you got a tan on your dick! You can reverse it by coating your dick in Band-Aids for about a week. When you remove them, your dick's skin should be pale and soft again.

Next time you decide to go sunbathing, remember to put a bag or upturned cup over your dick.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks #mitt romney

my Dick looks like a Ninja Turtle's foot. it's horrible and bad! My friends have taken to calling me "NInja Turle Foot dick" a very hurtful name. What can I do about this pre"dick"ament??

--Anonymous

Dear Craig C. Conrad of Atlanta, GA,

Great dick pun! My compliments.

You have a hormonal condition known as Ninja Turtle Foot Dick. There is no known cure for this hormonal dick condition. However, you can cosmetically reconsolidate your dick.

See your dick doctor. He or she will fuse the two "toes" of your dick together with a medical cauter, then bind your dick with bandages to make sure it keeps.

In a few weeks the bandages will come off, and your dick should be vaguely resemble a singular, if misshapen and scarred, fleshy mass. However, you'll need to be careful not to make any sudden kicking or thrusting actions with your dick, or your dick may explosively split back into two phalanges again.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

dick

FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELP PUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!

PUT MY DICK OUT!!!!!!

HELP!

--Anonymous

Dear Neil Cicierega of Somerville, MA,

Quickly, douse your dick with water or sand. Always keep a bucket of water or sand nearby in situations where fire might engulf your dick.

To avoid future hazards, you might consider rubbing your dick with fire-retardant gel. You might also purchase an asbestos scabbard for your dick.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

I am a peasant and I live in Squalor. Some trash and gargbage got into my dick. I attempt to remove it with a fork and now the fork is stuck too. That was my onlyfork and now it is now lost in my dick. I dont even care about the gabage anymore, just help me get the fork back.

--Anonymous

Dear Steven Douglass of New Castle, CO,

You can easily eject the contents of your dick. First, prop your dick open. A good tool for this task is one of those plastic mini-tables that come in pizza boxes.

Now, shine a bright light into your dick, or point it towards the sun. (Do not use a flame-- it may ignite the trash inside your dick.) The inside walls of a dick have high photosensitivity, so they will begin to convulse slightly.

Finally, drip some regular table mustard into your dick. Just a few tablespoons should be enough to trigger your dick's diccygeal reflex. The side muscles of your dick will synchronize in a hypnotic wavelike dance, gently expelling everything you've put in your dick in the last 48 hours.

Once you're satisfied that all foreign objects have left your dick, you can halt the diccygeal reflex by drubbing your dick with a small hammer or the handle of a screwdriver.

Remember to take the pizza table out of your dick!

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

i wondered aboit these all last night. can cat's dick's meow. can dog's dick's barp. do you know or can only god know?

--Anonymous

Dear Alfred Richey of Kalispell, MT,

I know for a fact that a cat's dick can hiss when startled. Other than that, no, cat and dog dicks have no special vocal abilities.

If it interests you, however, a chimp's dick can learn up to ten words.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks #animal dicks

What are the different muscles in my dick? How can I get more?

--Anonymous

Dear Omar F. Kelly of Chappaqua, NY,

There are no muscles in anyone's dick. You listen here, my friend. That's not how dicks work.

A dick is comprised mainly of blood, skin, cartilage, bone, xylem, cuticles, photoreceptor cells, integrated circuits, milk, weird gray veins, jade beads, meteoric dust, and dick blood.

There are rare cases of patients with dicks made of gold or cloth, but I have never heard of any muscles being found in a dick.

I have heard of nincompoops who have injured their dicks trying to heave medicine balls with their dicks. And I once treated a poor dope who had a severe dick rash caused by coating his dick in a whey-based protein powder.

Please, readers, don't fall prey to this harebrained "Swole Dick" fad. If you want to increase the size of your dick, better to use an old-fashioned bicycle pump, like your fathers did. It's safe, temporary, and if you know how to make dick balloon animals, delightful!

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

Even dick doctors make mistakes.

Dear readers,

This post is entitled: "Even dick doctors make mistakes."

Oh, what a fool I was! This past weekend, I rigged my dick up with fishing line and a crank, hoping to do a little fly fishing with my dick. Yes, I should have known better.

Things got out of control, and long story short, a 200 pound sturgeon crushed my dick like an empty beer can. Yikes!

To make matters worse, my dick got tangled in the line, and that awful fish dragged my dick for what must have been a mile before I was able to cut it loose with my pocket knife. The crank also chewed my dick up pretty good.

Whoopsie daisy!

Thankfully, I always keep a dick first-aid kit in my car (and you should too.) I was able to patch my poor dick up well enough to drive. I checked myself into my own clinic and sheepishly greeted the nurses, who were sure to have a hearty laugh as I held my crinkled dick together with my bare hands. They laughed even harder when they discovered the hook pierced through my dick's underside, complete with the lure and sinker!

Imagine my embarrassment!

Don't worry, my dick is now rebuilt and healing beautifully. But what a close call!

It just goes to show you, no dick is invincible. Learn from this old dick doctor's hubris. When it comes to safety, put your dick first.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

last week i defaced a statue of christopher columbus with my dick.

i'm so sorry.

i don't know why i did it.

but now my dick has turned chalk white with guilt.

achy pangs of regret shoot through my dick with every heartbeat. sometimes at night i feel as though columbus himself is breathing on my dick.

is there a spray or paste that will redeem my dick?

please and thank you.

--Anonymous

Dear Dennis Olson of Chicago, IL,

That piece of garbage Mr. Columbus was himself best characterized as a raging spitting dick, smearing its muddy inks over the humble, beautiful balance of the New World. He was a bungling, genocidal thief. He deserves no statue.

Your dick is a hero. Tears of awe are forming in my eyes right now as I think of your dick. If I had my way, the second Monday in October would from here on out be known as Dennis Olson's Dick Day. Children in schools across the country would learn not of the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa María, but of the Courage, the Humanity, and the Probity of your vandal dick.

However, what you did with your dick is illegal. I am reporting your noble actions to the Chicago Police Department and the Chicago Historical Society.

Remain brave, Dennis, and hold your dick high.

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

MY DICK IS A NON-STOP MALT SHOP! The thing is a CONSTANT SPEWING GEYSER of chocolate malteds, Coca Colas, lime phosphates, YOU NAME IT, all over everything! Loud, rude TEENS won't stop guzzling free refreshments from my horrible fountain dick! Help me out, Doc! Tell my doo-wop dick that the 50's are over!

--Anonymous

Dear Andrew Dagget of Philadelphia, PA,

You have a disease known as jukedick. Put a rubber bath stopper in your dick's primary vent, and drugstore earplugs in its smaller fumaroles. Cut sugar out of your diet until your dick dwindles down.

Sufferers of jukedick include singer Billy Joel. In one infamous incident, several of his fans were injured by a high velocity jet of Bronx Egg Cream that shot from his dick during a performance of "Uptown Girl."

--Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

#dicks

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