The Yowler
Skulker and earth lover talks trash, togetherness, and remaining open to future injury
I’m ready to interview you.
Marvelous.
Did you know you’re in a band?
I didn’t. But it doesn’t surprise me, frankly.
It’s called SIDP.
Oh my God! I love it, that’s so good.
What other bands are you in?
I was in a band. I still am. Called “Jonathan” because my college roommate and I were like we should have a band and he said what’s a good name and I said Jonathan’s a good name so we named the band Jonathan.
What is your role in Sheep?
I wouldn’t dignify what I do by calling it singing because I feel like thats an insult to singers everywhere. What I do is produce mouth sounds. A sort of yowl, like an indigent cat.
Who are your musical influences?
Honestly, it’s whoever I’ve been listening to recently—I wanna write a song like that.
Do you have any advice for up and coming bands?
If you’re producing something that is that intimate it needs to be authentic. It needs to come from the heart, it needs to be something that you very desperately want to share with the world. And after you’ve played a song several hundred times for other people maybe that changes how you feel about it but at the very least in the beginning you need to have that, you need to feel like its clawing its way out of you that if you don’t make this music then you’ll just explode.
Who do you influence?
I like to think I have a really profound influence on my garbage collector because they see the various instruments in various states of repair and destruction and they have to think something really terrible is happening here but the reality is that I am bad at buying used instruments on the internet.
Where were you born?
Somewhere further south of here.
If that place could speak, what would it say?
“THERE’S TOO MANY PEOPLE. OH, GOD, WHY. NO. SOME OF YOU NEED TO LEAVE. THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS. STOP PUTTING THINGS IN THE GROUND.”
What makes you angry?
The universal idea of man’s inhumanity to man. The futility of so many political or ethical discussions that just end with me shouting “I can’t make you care about other people. Why do you not care about other people?” Another thing that makes me very upset—and this may be surprising because of my previous answer—is hopelessness. I think that there is always far more hope than is readily apparent or, rather, than people want to see because hope is an invitation for future injury. At least, that’s how a lot of people see it. I think that hope is also a responsibility because it spurs action and it is genuinely and deeply felt. Everyone does this to some extent, people would choose to not hope for a better world because if they did they would have to acknowledge that maybe they would not be able to continue doing things as they are doing them. So hopelessness is very frustrating to me.
What makes you happy?
Walking through Oakland when it’s sunny. And people who are out doing yard work or talking in front of a convenience store or children are being loud and irritating. It’s funny, I—for a long time—whenever I heard kids running around screaming I would get agitated because yeah it’s grating but I’ve tried to like it through cognitive training and also adding in the response of thinking “Ah, the children are playing and that means things are okay right now.” I think I am happiest in the moments where I am able to be very present and look around and think about just how pleasant it is to be where I am doing what I’m doing and just be grateful and happy that I am in this moment in this place in the universe.
What’s yer day job?
I spend a lot of time typing at a computer and even more time reading things at a computer and in the course of reading and typing things I try to make the world just a little safer. The specifics of it are wonky and unnecessary.
What do you do at night?
Usually I waste time in front of a computer but tonight I am out walking through Rockridge and up into the hills. It’s something I started doing late last year—going for walks or running at night there’s something very soothing and peaceful about the city sleeping and the suburbs sleeping.
What would you say your responsibilities are?
All of the things you experience that are not joy prepare you to take pleasure in what comes next. You need to take pleasure in what you do because even the things you experience that are not strictly pleasurable are preparing you to experience pleasure. They’re giving contrast for pleasure to have meaning. If you live at a certain altitude, that’s just where the ground is. You don’t have to think about the fact that other people live at different altitudes. It just doesn’t mean anything to you. But if you go up or down you notice it. It’s the same thing with emotions. We are programmed such that we only understand things through contrast. It’s only the differences that have any meaning. That’s how we read the world. Through what is and what isn’t.
What’s the last thing you fixed?
I was cleaning the kitchen and we have a glass vase that holds cooking utensils and I was washing it in the sink and I dropped it and it cracked. It didn’t break. And I applied a bunch of tape around it. Around the inside and the outside so if it broke it wouldn’t go anywhere. So it’s not exactly a fix. It’s a kind of a fix. It’s safer to use now.
What’s the last thing you broke?
We don’t fix all the things that we break do we? We never do. I don’t think we do. Let’s just go with the glass vase because it will take me too long to think of something else but if anything jumps out I’ll howl. [Can you bahh instead to be on theme?] Well, a howl could work too. It could be a wolf in sheep clothing. “How did I get to this difficult place? I’ll never tell. Come closer, farmhand. Rescue me from this place.”
Know any secrets about walking at night that you are willing to share?
Yes. [silence]. That was my answer.
What have you learned about life while walking at night?
It’s very easy to convince yourself to be afraid of things. But it’s very hard to convince yourself not to be afraid of things. I guess one of the things I enjoy about walking at night is that it presents many opportunities to test myself in that way. Forcing me to continue on even though I may be afraid. Because there’s a quote maybe from a Disney movie, “How can you be brave when you’re scared? Well, that’s the only time you can be brave.” It’s true, bravery is only something that occurs in opposition to fear. I also learned that one of the things that makes me happy and fills me with joy that warms me and makes me feel connected to humanity is walking by houses and seeing all of the lights on inside and seeing people sitting together watching tv or around tables eating or playing cards or talking. Little snapshot vignettes into people’s lives. There’s something very powerful about the notion of home and hearth. Of family. Of togetherness. Of making these structures to protect us from the elements and curling up together and just being happy little organisms that can love each other and experience the joy of kinship. It can be hard during the day—the day is the time for working. But night we think of as a time for resting. And it’s also nice to remember everyone has a scene like that. I see all of these people and they’re just little automatons to me because I don’t know them but we are all that to each other. I feel a sense of empathy: any of these people could walk by my house and see me doing the same things. There’s this shared humanity in that.
What have you forgotten?
I usually know where I am. I tend to forget what time it is. I tend to do that everywhere but especially when I’m walking around at night.
If you wrote a children’s book, what would it be called?
Probably something like “Everywhere Is The Environment” because I get so angry when people say “I don’t care about the environment.” I was on a date and someone said that—so where the fuck do you live? The vacuum of space? That is the place we are in. This is all environment.
If you could say one last thing to an enemy without fear of retribution, what would you say?
All of my enemies are in a gym, a cafeteria thing, all the bleachers are pulled out. I’m standing on a platform we brought in which I am now regretting because it’s not a stage, it actually only enhances the fact that I’m well below them and their risers. So, I have a little microphone and, uh, soundcheck is difficult because it never goes the way you think it will and because it’s the 70s, no one thought I would be standing here. Infrastructure, what the fuck. I glare at Mitch McConnell, I wish evil things. “I’ll never tell where the antidote is—“ No, I’m kidding. The real answer, the main answer, is for all my delaying, I honestly don’t think I’d have anything to say to them because anything I could say would make me feel good in the moment and very small later. I couldn’t bring myself to say “I forgive you” or “We’re good.” I would probably look at at the sea of scowling faces and just kind of “Eh,” and wave my hand dismissively. I’ve got nothing here.
INTERVIEW CONDUCTED, CONDENSED, AND EDITED BY BLEATR
