STAPLED HAND

I HAVE NO DESIRES OR A WISH TO BE. I WANT TO BE GONE, I WANT TO BE FREE.

[digrabbit]

bleakberries​.

    she used to think jack was such an unattainable idea.  he was for awhile, at best he was a thin piece of gauze to hold onto, webbing full of holes.  there was safety in that; teddy always liked him best when he wasn’t hers.  

    something about the way his hand nearly reaches across the table, only to pull back makes her throat close tight.  he pulls back, like he’s still afraid to commit to even a small gesture as that.  or just afraid of her.  but an unfamiliar instinct pulses beneath her passive veil—to grab a hold of that frail hand, dig her claws in, tear into it.  it’s as if all the rage has been tucked away so well, she didn’t realize it was ever there.  teddy bites the inside of cheek, focusing on the skin between her teeth instead.  she shouldn’t think deeply of it at all really, when she hadn’t bothered before.  jack never made so much of an effort to be worth missing in the first place. hating him would require some amount of an imprint.  her own fingers have grown tense and have curled inwards to her palm, blunt nails in the flesh.  she still imagines grabbing hold, pulling him under the dirty bathwater too if he wants to be soft.  she won’t, but she might.  

    they are doomed to run around in this circle over and over.  always needing each other, but never at the same times.  they’ve already had this conversation before, more than once, but she never thought he was sincere until that last time.  

    jack wears the same look he had then—wide eyed and breathy desperation.  it makes him look younger than he is.  that boyish menace fades into boyish weakness and he’s that skinny boy from the house across the street again.  she wonders sometimes, if he remembers it all the same way she does, or if she changed parts of it in her head.  as if that even matters anymore.  it seems so silly now to see how things have reversed.  she’d laugh if it didn’t sting.

    she made the subconscious decision to only want the things she could not have, and never seek the ones she could.  teddy sits stiff and unmoved, yet finds her eyes wandering away from jack as if he might just see too much.   “i don’t even know what i want—”    it comes out sounding choked, almost like laughter, if not for that unfamiliar trace of nerves.  teddy knows how it must appear, with a voice that hardly sounds like her own anymore, but for once it feels like a honest sentence.  she’s used up all her other lies. 

     “but i feel like … i never understand what you want either.  you were gone and you came back just to say that.”    she is so careful with her choice of words, stepping around each beat with hesitance.    “why’d you take so long then?”

    likewise, jack has now come to a stray road.    going straight down, but never knowing what will become of the end.    does that mean she reciprocates what he’s brought to the table?    or is it her odd way of turning it around and pushing it back into his face?    for a while, jack continues to look at her.    there’s never a clear hint at what she wants, what she might say, or what she might do.    jack takes a wild guess and assumes she wants to give it a try.

    is that all that should come of two people loving each other?    a want seems selfish.    jack never gave it a thought, but as he sits there at the table now, he ponders the question.    though, impulsivity is too tempting and the thought is rushed away and he’s brought back to the conversation.    an anchor he’s become to this chair.

    “      why  don’t  we  give  it  a  try?    figure  it  out.      “    in his head he repeats the sentence.    together.    it doesn’t sound appealing to him.    years upon years only doing so much as a one night stand or a casual hookup always meant more to him than a lifelong partner to go down life’s journey together.    it’s foreign to him and he’s reluctant to touch it, even as he’s spewing this all out onto teddy.

   finally, he breaks his gaze on her.    his head suddenly falls to his lap and he considers why he left.    there is no forward answer to a question like that.    “      it’s  different.      “    different than anyone else who suddenly disappears.    he may never have an answer for her.    “      but  i  realized  this  isn’t  the  shit  i  want.      “    he’s speaking to his hands that lay lifeless in his lap.    again, he doesn’t know what he wants besides what the night has to give him.

    hand goes to his pocket.    as he reaches inside, he grabs onto the box of cigarettes there as his leg start to bounce.    “      but  i  want  you.      “

[digrabbit]

bleakberries​.

     ‘jack —’    her voice sounds shaky and so unlike herself.  teddy keeps her back to the wall, maintaining the space as if it guards her.  it won’t do any good, she already knows that.  they always find ways to get under each other’s skin, both intentionally and unintentionally.  she hates him for that. 

     she remembers how he used to buy her cigarettes.  sitting in a parking lot at night, saying the words don’t tell to him.  the menacing smile she’d give before running back home.  she liked him then, before she even really knew him.  she used to think she was so much smarter.

     they’ve had this same conversation before, but it feels different this time.  this time her guarded wall is wearing thin.  the mannerisms that teddy once managed to instill in herself, practiced and perfected till they became habitual, all go to waste.  there’s almost an urge to let it happen, to soak in the bathwater and let herself get soft.  she could unravel herself, let the things he says under her skin, sew it back up and have it eat her insides.  

     it’s easier to feign being the precarious girl, to be cruel about it and let him linger in his own torment.  but she’s forgotten how she used to do that now.  the absence of jack should have made her smarter, yet it hasn’t.  teddy feels her shoulders fall limp and finally she sits back down.  her eyes flicker indecisively till she breaks that long pause.   ‘i don’t know what you want me to say.’   

    sometimes she never knows what to say.    that is her way of putting off any kind of intimate conversation because of what lies underneath those feelings.    jack thinks it adds to whatever it is she’s hiding deep within her.    they have been around each other for a good portion of their lives and he thinks there is still not enough he knows about her.    a mystery he’s lazily trying to solve.    it’s going nowhere and the circle comes back around.

    thinking about the previous times he’s admitted this, they were grossly wrapped within in pristine sheets that ended up making jack feel worthless.    that never told him to give up, though.    it’s evident in the fact that he’s in her apartment tonight and sitting at a table he has dented.   thinking about what should come after the fact is unclear to him.    all he’s worried about it getting it off his chest.    he’ll let his guard down. he always has.

    eyes follow her every step.    it’s nauseating and violating.    but now she’s closer to him and feels a sort of comfort, something that she’s not familiar with in this setting. “say you like me back,” his breath carries a disgusting desperation. in the diction is scribed a yearn for something he has never been able to experience.    a normal life.    at his ripe age, how could he now?    what hasn’t he learned?

    a hand reaches across the table for her to take.    a behavior he’s seen in the people around him, but it feels unnatural so he tucks it back into his lap.   “because i know you do.”    he continues without considering the damage he may be doing.    more harm than good.    now, he sits at his end waiting for her to pick up where he left off.

[digrabbit]

bleakberries​.

there’s an uncanny feeling throughout the house, tucked beneath a thin, gauzy veil.  it’s that same air that jack carries with him wherever he goes.  seething, tense.  like the flowery wallpaper has been stretched too far, the edges pasted down and the fibers pulling so tight it becomes fragile.  like the whole house just might collapse at any second.  agatha feels it every time she’s visited the ainsworth house, and she’s gotten the habit of walking so carefully in case the floorboards creak the wrong way, disturbing the entire structure.  

she’s started to see why jack is the way he is.  she feels sad for him.

perhaps it’s only her naivete, but agatha has deluded herself into thinking they might still become friends.  even if all attempts have been in vain thus far.  she’s decided to be patient.  but she’d like to be kind to him, especially now, although nothing has come of it yet.   

‘your brother asked me out.  i don’t know if he told you.’   she doesn’t know why that admission makes her nervous.  as if it matters, when they aren’t even friends yet.   ‘i didn’t say anything yet though.  i thought i might tell you first.’     @digrabbit

    silas feels the need to always tell him when agatha is coming over.    it doesn’t have anything to do with him, but why does he have to know?    jack doesn’t want to be friends, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with them.    when asked what it is that he loathes so much, he won’t give a straight answer.    the deal is, agatha is pitying him.    he doesn’t like the pity.

    in the same room as her, he hates feeling the energy she gives off.    now, he isn’t one to depend on spirituality, but a person can feel the aura of another’s and hers makes him inexplicably angry.    the news to follow her appearance is what really nails it for him.

    “and?”    he’s looking for a cigarette anywhere in his pockets.    he finds one that is bent and ripped, but it suffices.    “do  the  both  of  you  want  a  fucking  party  or  something?    you  want  applause?”    jack sighs, looking back on his abrasiveness.    piling smoke into his lungs, he then breathes out.   no apology is given, but the nicotine helps.

[digrabbit]

bleakberries​.

there’s something melancholy in the smile, for a moment, teddy feels sad for him.  jack keeps wandering around her in these aimless circles, fleeing at the first sign danger, only to come back.  he keeps looking for something that isn’t there.  he’s more worn and grey since the last time they spoke.  she thinks of jack lingering at her doorstep, hesitating.  he wanted her to stop him then too, instead of taking a step back, pulling her gaze away.  just like she is now, their old patterns resurfacing.

strange, teddy realizes now, in all their hostility she only ever asked him to leave that one time and he took it to heart.  something about the look of him, quiet and vulnerable, that silent pleading in his eye unsettles her.  she’s up on her feet again, collecting coffee cups and bringing them to the kitchen.

the sound of dishes clatter, quickly discarded in the sink.  teddy stands in the door frame now, tensely leaning on the border between the two rooms.  her brow creases and teddy chews at the inner flesh of her cheek.   her eyes don’t settle directly on jack anymore; that certain, self-assured look she wore suddenly feels unguarded.

‘i don’t want to make small talk.  i’d rather you just say whatever it is you’re actually here for.’

    the aura of this place holds a depth not comparable to any other place he’s been.    besides his own home, that is.    there’s a familiarity that overwhelms between the two of them, making its space known.    together, they have been here before, but those were only between tangle bedsheets and meaningless whispered somethings.   today, upon his return, they exist in pattern, but there is a disaster ahead.

    teddy’s movements manage to snap his neck up from the disordered lines of the table.   seemingly, he understand they have no direction, but grew together in one trunk of an old tree.    ending up as a table, no longer breathing and glossed over, now holding their unspoken weight.    the philosophy of it all comes and goes at the same time.    jack watches teddy as she maneuvers her way to ignorance.    this doesn’t phase him.

    her assertiveness isn’t usually a surprise to him, but this time it makes him grow pale.    a pathetic grin flashes on grey scruff.    “i’ve  been  thinkin’  about  you.    a  lot.”    in his throat is a song of reluctance, like he’s choking on his words.    his neck snaps to the side, trying to win the internal fight in his chest.   “you  brought  me  back.    i  think  you’re  more  to  me  than  casual  sex.”

[digrabbit]

bleakberries​.

she knows what he wants to hear.  somewhere along the way, jack got too attached to the thought of it, while growing less and less aware of the reality.  teddy arches her back in her seat, straining her neck from shoulder to shoulder, like she’s stretching out the pause.  nothing changes and yet somehow, too much changes; events keep repeating themselves in these strange, contradictory circles.  but the answer he’s looking for isn’t remotely close to the truth of the matter.  the truth is a bitter, lingering aftertaste, getting drier and staler with each passing minute. 

teddy relaxes her shoulders now, her bones settle and swing limp over the chair she reclines in.  she contemplates lying for a second, just to appease the prettily painted, romantic version that lives in his mind.  it’s cruel enough that she almost plays along with it, but the thought passes quickly.  

‘actually, i kind of forgot about you after awhile.’   the words are dry and she’s rolling the tip of her tongue between her teeth.  and maybe it is better, to say it this way – without any affect, just one swift movement.  slitting the throat, killing it quickly.  poor little jack rabbit, sitting in before her with wide eyes, presenting all his wounds for tending.  it almost makes her pity him.  but jack forgets; that’s not what they’re like and never have been.   ‘i wasn’t going to wait around for you.’ 

    the man had a lot to think about.    lesser of his family and somewhat more about his friend that sits across from him judging everything he does.    yet, it doesn’t cross his mind that this is a bad thing.    let it be ignorance that still keeps them close.    he thinks there’s been some kind of forbidden love that has grown between them while teddy hasn’t had a second thought about him.    he left, that’s that.

    ‘      oh, that’s nothing new.      ‘    jack laughs it off just like he has with every other thing before.    this should be bad news, damaging to the heart.    he’s used to it.    jack isn’t the first, second, third, or last thought and he’s learned that the hard way.    still sitting slumped over, there’s a mealy grin stretching upon exhausted face.    yes, after all this time, he still looks like he’s about to double over.    ‘      besides that, i did a lot of thinking.      ‘    he goes on without any shame.    but he’s not ready yet.    the time is still too tender.    ‘      have you seen your family at all?      ‘

    he asks this when he could care less.    it shows in how his interest focuses on that soggy cigarette.    hands start patting his pockets looking for his pack.

[digrabbit]

bleakberries​.

it’s unnerving how quiet jack is being, she almost preferred his old habit of ruining perfectly good moments of silence just by speaking the first thing on his mind.  teddy leans forward.  stoic in spite of that nagging, biting feeling.  there’s a pause that almost looks like hesitation, like she’s contemplating a decision to lean further and let herself go limp.  it’s not that, though.  she’s already made her decision, the pauses are only out of pettiness at this point.

teddy reaches over and discards her half-finished cigarette in jack’s cup, before leaning back and swinging both legs over the armrest.  ‘could have delivered it sooner.  you knew where to find me.’

    a sigh comes from jack as the cigarette is put out into his cup of coffee.    he’s not going to complain since it was bitter anyways.    nothing like the regretful sting of alcohol to put him at ease.    the coffee was making his hands shake.    ‘      i  forgot.      ‘    this was his lame excuse.    jack is going to entirely avoid the year he had missed her.    maybe won’t even confess now.    all that time and not a moment’s thought; or too much thought that he can’t decide?

    ‘      sooooo.      ‘    he continues.    ‘      where’re  you  working  now?    the neighborhood  had  to  have  missed  me.      ‘    there’s an inquisitive eye that he gives teddy asking that she plead her undying love in the midst of his absence.

[digrabbit]

bleakberries​.

two cups of coffee sit between them in a smoke filled room.  silent treatment would suggest some amount of care and effort, but it’s not that at all.  she’s confused.  jack vanishes, and subsequently returns.  a little greyer and worn, but the same smile, boyish menace.      as if nothing has changed in the slightest.   but to be perfectly honest, teddy hasn’t thought about him at all during the year long gap.  jack vanishes, that’s not new.  the only thing different is the length of time.  she’s never been so attached enough to think anything of it.  suppose he got sick of waiting around and gave up on her after awhile.  but he came back – without invitation, without her asking – and she can’t think of what to say. 

smog curls around her fingers in ribbons.  neither participant has made a sound since they got inside.  he wanted her to pine, didn’t he?  that’s the way it was supposed to go, but never does with them.  teddy settles with that thought and she hates him for it, but it always passes.  she forgets him, carries on, until he comes back.  she thinks that’s the part she hates most of all – the inevitable return.  it eats at her throat.  she’s losing her patience.  ‘i left my jacket in your car.  i never got it back.’  spoken petulantly with her brow creased, as if that’s what matters here.   @digrabbit

    not much has happened in that year, at least not much to be concerned about.    it’s not like he’s going to share with her his whereabouts because who likes hearing that anyways?    recounting days that only one side experienced while leaving the other in the dust; it can become boresome.    at least, he’s not that concerned about it.    the notion of critical thinking often flies by his head.    if anything, he’s just going to pretend like nothing happened.    jack sits, slumped over sitting across from teddy.    he’ll pay her a glance that’ll only last for a second or two and then back to the air around him.    he doesn’t know what to say or if he should even say anything.

    there is no motive behind his return.    he hasn’t had a moment to think about why he’s even back.    maybe it’s the yearn and pull that he’s installed in himself to teddy.    he daydreams wondering if she feels it too.    so blind that he can’t see that she doesn’t give him the slightest thought at the end of the day.    what  have  you  thought  of  me?    he wonders.    ‘     yeah.    i  tried  getting  that  clean  or  keeping  it  as  clean  as  possible.    i  know  that  shit’s  expensive.      ‘

[formourned]

    hello.    i have been holding off on this for a long time, but things are getting a little serious and it isn’t fun anymore.    we’re in the midst of a pandemic still and i’m out of a job; this is mostly due to the fact that 1) im immunocompromised meaning im at a greater risk of getting coivd 2) i dont feel like risking my life at the hands of disrespectful customers and 3) places aren’t necessarily hiring me because of covid.

    so, i don’t have a means of receiving any sort of pay to keep myself afloat.    yes, i still live with my parents which im grateful for beyond words, but there are some things they want me to buy on my own (and i want to anyways because im 22 years old and i should be able to do that).    with that being said, i’ve been able to do business on patreon.    i only get paid monthly, but hey it’s something.

    below are links to my patreon and other ways i’ve been trying to make money. i would link my paypal, but i feel guilty for taking money from people without doing something to earn it.    anyways, that’s my sob story.    please consider becoming a patron (if you can) or at the very least sharing.

MY PATREON.

DEPOP.

DEVIANTART (PROCEEDS GO TO BLM FUNDS).

[movierpmemes]

THE GRADUATE (1967) feel free to change details and pronouns as you see fit. some nsfw and triggering material.

they’re all waiting to see you.

these are all our good friends, ___.

won’t have much trouble picking them up in that, will you?

what are you going to do now?

think about it. will you think about it?

i’m just sort of disturbed about things. in general.

will you take me home?

what do you drink? bourbon?

are you always this afraid of being alone?

may i ask a question? what do you think of me?

you’ve known me nearly all of your life. you must have formed some opinion of me.

i’ve always thought that you were a very nice person.

look, i think i should be going.

___, if you don’t mind my saying so, this conversation is getting a little strange.

___, you are trying to seduce me. aren’t you?

it’s the worst thing i’ve ever said to anyone.

i don’t think of you that way.

finish your drink.

will you unzip my dress?

i just feel a little funny.

what are you so scared of?

he might get the wrong idea. anyone mght.

please, ___. this is difficult for me.

would you like me to seduce you?

i’m going home now.

i apologize for what i said. i hope you can forget it.

i am getting pretty tired of all this suspicion.

i’m putting it here by the door.

oh, god! let me out!

i want you to know i’m available to you.

if you won’t sleep with me this time, i want you to know you can call me up any time you want and we’ll make some kind of arrangement.

it looks like you need a refill.

is anything wrong? you look a little shaken u p.

i’m just a little worried about my future.

that’s a hell of a good age to be.

you’ll never be young again.

i think you ought to be taking it a little easier right now than you seem to be.

i’ll see you soon, i hope.

you’re disappointing them.

i was wondering if i could buy you a drink or something.

give me an hour.

you don’t have to be so nervous, you know.

well, i am a bit nervous.

i just have a toothbrush.

isn’t there something you want to tell me?

well, i want you to know how much i appreciate this, really.

i can’t do this.

this is all terribly wrong.

do you find me undesirable?

is this your first time?

that’s a laugh, ___. that’s really a laugh. ha ha.

you can admit that, can’t you?

inadequate?

i drive around.

i don’t think we have much to say to each other.

but do you think we could liven this up with a little conversation for change?

art. that’s a good subject.

you’re not interested in art?

think real hard, ___.

i’m not good enough for her to associate with, am i?

you go to hell. you go straight to hell, ___.

do you think i’m proud of myself?

i am not proud that i spend my time with a broken down alcoholic.

this is the sickest, most perverted thing that ever happened to me.

don’t start acting hurt. 

it’s pretty obvious you don’t want me around any more.

i was kind of upset there. i’m sorry i said those things.

that’s all right, i think i can understand why i’m disgusting to you.

i look forward to it. it’s the one thing i have to look forward to.

i want you to promise me that.

let’s not talk about it.

let’s not talk at all.

___, do you dislike me for some reason?

i’m not like this. i hate myself like this.

listen, could you just stop crying, please?

let’s get out of here, ___.

i like you. i like you so much. do you believe that?

you’re the first thing for so long that i’ve liked.

my whole life is such a waste. it’s just nothing.

i wouldn’t want you to do it unless you really wanted to.

those are my orders. is that clear?

i can make things quite unpleasant.

i just don’t believe you would do that.

i’m not dressed yet.

___, this whole idea sounds pretty half-baked.

how could you do that, ___? do you just hate everything?

i’m sorry i screamed.

will you marry me?

you might marry me?

___, i haven’t even said i’ll marry you yet.

i think we’re two civilized people. do you think it’s necessary to threaten each other?

it didn’t mean anything. we might just as well have been shaking hands.

i think you are filth. i think you are scum.

it’s too late.

[digrabbit]

hello everyone!    i’ve uploaded a few pre-made psds to deviantart.    please, please consider buying since your donations will be going to bail funds around the US and to black visions collective.    if you would like a receipt from me when i do donate the money, i will more than gladly share that with you!

HERE IS MY DEVIANT ART.

PLEASE ALSO INQUIRE MY FRIEND MINSKI FOR CUSTOM MADE PSDS.

[praybirdarchive-deactivated2023]

helloooo just wondering if anyone would be interested in sort of a commissions exchange where if you donate to any bail funds or BLM organizations, i can throw together a simple edit/promo, psd, or a batch of icons for you? basically if you were to send me a screenshot of your donation, i'll make you something in exchange.

not 100% sure if this is something i can do for sure with my current workload but if this is something anyone is genuinely interested i will start planning my schedule to make time for it.

[digrabbit]

i also made a deviantart with premade psds that will be around 2-4 dollars. proceeds will go towards bail funds and the black collective!

i could also offer to make icons for you, the price will be based on how many you want since i have a lot more free time than min. 

[digrabbit]

like for a starter ! mayhaps i’ll come to you to plot 😌

[digrabbit]

     ❛      if  i  don’t  like  something  ,  i’ll  stay  away  from  it.      ❜    he says it so simply.    yet  ,  he is still confined to the place he was born  ,  grew up in  ,  and now suffers in.    jack can’t go anywhere until this town lets him go.     telling when isn’t in the foreseeable future.            @monstrm​.

[kisameanslight]

glenn howerton + when pigs fly

[aa-ng]

And Then We Danced / და ჩვენ ვიცეკვეთ (2019) Dir. Levan Akin

[superstimpak-moved-deactivated2]

Just as a flower does not choose its color, we are not responsible for what we have come to be.

[digrabbit]

    don’t call him a lone ranger  ,  there is nothing motivating him to linger in the secret crevices of a small town.    nothing else is accessible for him to do so what else is there to do then sneak around in places he should   ;   like into a little corner outside to find a bucket filled with a blue substance.    he knows what this is and he’s sure as hell hit the jackpot. 

    it’s stored in his home  ,  an outdated cadillac.    there was a restaurant labeled on the bucket and now he has something to do.    something to keep his mind off of whatever bombards him in the night.

    he arrives  ,  throws the door open  ,  and stands in the middle of the place.    the sickening stale smell of grease almost makes him nauseous.            @fringdom​