I really loved reading stories growing up, the classic cheesy ones where the main character has a hard life then something or someone comes to their rescue and they end up living happy ever after... Sigh my favourite till this day is Cinderella. Cindy went through life unappreciated, lonely (aside from the mice, but they’re rodents. They don’t count) and hated by those closest to her, until the Fairy Godmother gave her a shot which then led to her meeting the Prince with whom she lived happy ever after with. Amazing! I’ve spent many nights, days and class time daydreaming that like her, someone would come and save me. Sadly, I’ve realized now no one is coming because I am no one. Compare to Cindy’s life mine is certainly much milder. Like her though I do have people that detest me for existing... would like to cause harm to my person and have made it abundantly clear that my well-being is of no importance to anyone as long as I play the part in their bizarre Addams meet Coraline-esque version of family. This disturbed my young self because in the movies the nice ones always won. Villains never got away with it. If that was the case how come I was “losing” I was a good person. I tried not to judge anyone and if I did I asked for forgiveness from my maker. I tried to give as much as I could possibly give at times more than I could. I always let opportunities slide me by and give it to another. Tried my best to not make any issues for my guardians. I have never snuck out, never drank, never smoked, never been called to the principals office never had a teacher call me in regards to me being rude but yet I was still getting punished. I was abused never said a thing for fear of ruining others family ( not to say this is a good thing, always report your abuser. I said this to emphasize the fact that I never tried to cause any sort of drama) however I was losing. I worked 2 jobs in addition to my full time school in order to help support my partner at the time. I later found out they crossed the line a person in a relationship should not cross. I was trailing with enormous debt-still am- but still tried to help around the house as much as I could. The point of my rambling was I tried to be a good person. However, I soon found out It doesn’t matter how much I try, how I study for something how much I practice I have never been destined to have a win not even one. The most unlikely things happen all the time which reminds me that whoever put me on this earth has done it to make a mockery of me. To be used as others amusement from all my misgivings. To make others feel better about their position in life. I’ve begged, pleaded, prayed cried until I can no longer. From not being able to leave my house months at a time due to extreme bouts of social anxiety, waking up every morning with my heart racing and my body shaking to extreme anxiety attacks depressive episodes all while uplifting others and assisting them. I’m tired. I can no longer do it. I don’t want to do it. I’ve never been a strong person I’m extremely weak. I don’t have the mental toughness to go through the torture that is this existence. Nor do I want to subject my self to more. This play is dragging out I wish for the curtains to close and the lights to dim. I want stillness, I’d like for the crew to applaud the end. This is my way of saying to be or not to be. Thanks all for reading or lack of, From No one to No one
