I really donāt know how else to start this, to be honest. Itās really been a couple of months since Iāve found any reason to write one of these, but here I am in the same place I was last yearāin the sense that Iām again drafting suicide notes (and maybe this one gets published). But itās not a suicide note. I find I canāt write my own feelings on paper, and/or explain myself to validate myself unless I try to treat it as such.
I canāt say Iām in the same place completely, which Iām not, but I know I didn't think I would find myself feeling similar or maybe even identical to what my body was doing to me this time last year, and once again its not my fault. I canāt place blame on something that I know isnāt my fault, because I know I deserve better, want better, and tried more than hard enough to believe that my efforts were meaningful and worth a little more than the time I believed I was worth.
But hereās the thing, itās nobodyās fault, frankly I had expectations in people that I shouldn't have and I think thatās my own mistakes to blame. You canāt force someone to do anything, you can only ask, and its really up to them whether or not they choose to even fulfill what you wantedāor even asked them to do.
This isnāt about that. Itās about that I saw myself deteriorate and crumble into a pile of depression and anger that I thought would get better as situations got improved, but maybe thereās a little bit of a shock going through me that told me that it isnāt the case, and just a tad more anger that I had faith and believed I would be able to move along and overcome a period of depression with the help I had.
I just end up taking two steps back with one step forward I guess, and here I am feeling a sense of deja vu through my body as my heart feels like itās giving up on me both figuratively and actually literally and thereās nothing else I can do about it.
Anger is a disgusting emotion, and so is hate. That, piled on top of anxiety, fear, and envy bring out the worst in a person and change how emotions are felt and situations are dealt with. But with realizing the feelings that run through you bring plenty of realization that maybe thereās another way of processing: apathy. And thereās nothing wrong with apathy. It somehow protects yourself, sure, it will push others away, but a wall will keep order in some cases, and just like you need others to respect your wall, you too need to respect your own wall, and otherās as well. Just like you need to need to remember that otherās have a life that isnāt yours, you need to remember that not everyone will take your life; whether it be a good one or a bad one, and respond positively for that. Others will put you down, make you feel like your feelings are right for you, that you deserve them, and that entitlement is a thing.
But some people grow, some people move on. Things change, people change, feelings change too. And sometimes you donāt think that the circumstances change others, and yourself, but it will.
You might not be the same person in a year, you might not be the same person in two years.
And as much as you believe and trust your heart and instincts, itās really not entirely up to you how things play out. Just remember that.
And others may laugh at you. Others will hurt you. But itās up to you to reduce their opinions to nothing and validate yourself.
But itās alright if you fail at doing that, as I did.
stormborns
baratheonpilled
snowghoul
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
prguitarman
