Mun Speaks her thoughts and feelings
[[Sorry for annoying you guys with more of these stupid excuses and why I haven't rped much lately. To be honest, a lot of things have happened this year and I'm not even sure if I'm able to rp anymore. Like at least have it in me to rp. I can't seem to get into character and I screw up whenever I rp and I forget to reply and just... school work is so much. So this may very well be a long haitus and such... not to mention some drama and such is also affecting me...
The drama stuff is actually affecting me a lot... I haven't eaten that much or anything at all for the past two days. Even today, I couldn't even eat breakfast without getting sick. Sleeping has also been a problem since I can't seem to sleep at all and... I just haven't had a good feeling lately or much at all. But maybe that's just due to stress...
But here's what I needed to get off of my chest, I care a lot about things. I care too much about things and people, it's probably not healthy at all. I may not show that I care nor do I act as though I do care, but why? I was raised to know that if you show any kind of care in anyway it's considered weak in people's eyes. Which is why I struggle with showing I care and sympathy. I get scared that if I show I care, I might show weakness or something. And when I do show that I care, sometimes people consider it as my words being empty and without meaning. Or they can assume through text on the computer that I'm saying something cruel or implying something rude. I don't even try to imply anything, just what I feel. In no way do I feel that this person is being a shitty person nor implying that person is horrible. That's never what I what I mean to say, if people ask for my feelings that's how I feel, I don't imply anything. Just words on what reflect me. But if I do seem like I'm implying something, it's false. I never mean anything, I'll be honest sometimes I don't even know what I'm saying half the time. I'm human, I'm not perfect and I know and accept that.
Demanding that I should act or seem like I care is easier said than done. It's not easy to show that I care, sometimes it annoys other people when I start to show I care. Telling me to say sorry when you pour out your feelings then telling me that I shouldn't be sorry for things I didn't do or had no control over is confusing. I can't read mixed messages and I'm sorry I can't. I really am, cause text will always be text to me. Words that are text can mean a hundred or even millions of things. I won't ever know the true meaning of what words mean on just text. And saying that this generation lives on text- to me- is a shitty excuse. Telling me that my words are empty is pretty much contradicting on that idea. Our generation may live on text but I live on real and personal words.Words that come from a person's mouth has more life than the words on a text. This is what I believe at least.
And even when I seem to brush off a person's problem, I usually tend to look at a brighter side of things. I'm optimistic, it's my own downfall to look on the bright side even in the darkest situations. I want people to feel happy even when they're feeling down, I want them to see that there are better things in life than the horrible things they are facing. I want them to always find happiness even when faced with the harsh reality that this world offers. I just want to get people's mind off of the bad and onto something else that's not as painful. Is it wrong of me to want that? To want people to be happy? To wish to make people happy? I'm sorry I can't act like I care, but things like that are things that show that I care. It may not seem like the best thing to do, but that's how I do things. If it's wrong to believe that or do something such as that, tell me. Don't be harsh just tell me, 'I don't want that' and I'll back off. People can't expect me to say sorry when they say that I shouldn't be sorry, again, it's mixed messages and something I can't understand just on text.
I'm sorry I can't sympathize as well as I should. I don't understand a person's situation, I can't tell them 'it'll be okay' or 'you'll be fine.' People are different, they face problems and they have reactions. It varies, not everyone is the same. Demand me to say I'm sorry and then tell me I shouldn't be sorry is a horrible example to show that I don't care. I care a whole lot, the only reason why I say 'I see' a lot is because of people telling me I shouldn't be sorry. People want a response, I give one. I can't give a perfect response, I'm human. I'm not perfect and I never will be. But it does not mean that I don't care in any way. I care. I care a lot. I care too much. I tell people at home, at school that 'I wish I could do something to make them happy.' Is that not enough caring? If not, then I don't know what is. I can't care like a lot of people do, I care still nonetheless. I struggle showing it because I'm scared people around me will see it as a weakness and take advantage of that caring. It happened before and I'm scared it'll happen again. I don't ever want to go through that again, it's too painful.
Lately, I've come across as selfish and uncaring to a few people. Yes, sometimes I like to think about myself which I hardly ever do. I hardly ever do what I want really, I care too much about the other person too. So being selfish- just a little or maybe even a lot- is something that comes out that I don't even mean to. If people want me to be completely selfless and give up my own wants and desires just for their needs then fine, I will. Those people don't want me to have human wants or desires or just be human together then fine, I will. Is what I thought before. But now? I'm human, I'm no one's servant, slave, robot, or whatever. I'm a person, an individual who has wants and needs and desires just like everyone else. Should I really give up my own human self just to fit someone else's desires? I ask myself that a lot. I still have not found a solution to that either. I honestly care too much about what a person things rather than what I want. I hardly even think of what I want most of the time and if doing or saying something of what I want is wrong... that's... hurtful to me. It hurts a lot. Maybe I am in the wrong for wanting this or that or want someone to hear about my ideas or something. Maybe my ideas are wrong or that they're selfish. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I have wants and desires. I'm sorry for even being a human being if that is what it is. I want to be happy too and if I can't have that just to fit a person's desire than fine. I'll give up my own happiness and own feelings just for someone else to be happy. I hope those people that desire that are happy with that decision. And I really hope people like that thought long and hard with that.
Calling me a child and saying that they're disappointed with me. Okay, first of all, they are not my mother nor do those people dictate what I do. I have a mother who loves me and cares for me and not ever has she told me I act like I'm a child nor has she EVER said that I'm a disappointment to her. She never demands me to fix things that are hard to fix and never demanding me to fix things in general. To fix this whole mess, how dare that person call me a friend. How dare that person say that they can demand whatever they want because you know what? I never demanded this or that. I never demanded that they had to listen, I never demanded they had to be around me, how DARE that person DEMAND me anything when I never demanded anything. I never said that they HAD to listen to me, I never said that they HAD to be around me, I never said that they HAD to fix anything. The only request I ask is if I can have time alone. Time alone to better myself, time alone to make myself into a better person. Is that too much to ask?! I just want to have time to myself to make myself better, to help myself. If those people don't give me that, I don't know if I really want a friendship like that. I don't know if it's even worth it at this point. If that person is going to demand me to do things then have the freaking OVARIES to tell ME that I'M a CHILD- I don't know what to say. Define child for me, that's what I want to know. Child like behavior. If that person dares to say that they're mature and that they act like a freaking high school student that person is SORELY MISTAKING! Demanding, throwing tantrums, talking behind a person's back instead of talking to them, main things that show child-like behavior. How DARE that person call me a child when that person can't even look at themselves and see that they're the ones acting like a child. I'm not attacking anybody here, just telling you what my thoughts are. And my thoughts are that I'm not the child here, I'm just trying to improve my life, that's it.
Is it wrong of me to ask can I have time off? Or that I want time by myself to improve my life, to make my life better? Is that wrong? I want to have time to improve myself. To make myself a better person than what I am right now. I want time to make my life better I want time to help myself. I want time to help my life and future, is that wrong of me to eve ask that? If that is, tell me why. Tell me why I can't make my life better, tell me why I can't have time to myself, tell me why. I want to know why. Even if it's a small thing, I want time. It's how I deal with things. Time and having space. That's how I deal with things, people can't expect me to just fix everything even if it is small. Okay, I'm rude, I'm selfish, I can't act like I care, ALRIGHT! Give me time and I'll fix that. I'll make myself better. I just need time and those people are denying me that. It's frustrating. It's aggravating. I want time, is that too much to ask!? I want time, I want space, I want PEACE! CAN I NOT HAVE JUST THAT? CAN THOSE PEOPLE NOT GIVE ME JUST THAT AND BE HAPPY WITH MY DECISIONS!? Apparently not if they're just going to explode and show anger and distaste. Sometimes I ask myself, is this even worth it anymore? Other people around me say it's not, I, myself, have not found a solution to my own questions. To my own needs and wants, to my desires and dreams, to my thoughts on my own future. I have no solution to any of them. It doesn't mean I can't look for them, I just need time to. Do I have to hate myself, tell myself I'm horrible, wallow in my self-loathing for something as small as that? I think not, but I don't know what others think of that. I care too much of what others think a lot. Even my own family tells me that, I care too much about friends and I care too much of what they think rather than what I want. What I want for myself. I care too much about other people. It's not healthy, I know that. But forcing me to care more and more is unhealthy, it's almost cruel. Call me rude, but would that not make a person cruel if they demand I care more than I already am?
I've cried for two days straight. I've cried and cried and hating myself. I even told myself, yelled at myself that I hate myself. Tell myself for two days straight that I'm horrible and that I hurt people I care too much about. I asked myself through tears, why do I even exist if I hurt people? I've been on my floor crying because of the words I said, the words that came out because of my stupid emotions. My stupid judgement. Does that not show that I care? I beat myself up over those last words I said to those people, I hated myself because of those last few words that were just pure emotion rather than my rational thinking. If that doesn't show I care than I don't know what else does. Do they want me to get on my knees and beg, then I will. Do I have to jump off a cliff to show that my words are sincere when I say sorry? Do I have to blow my brains out to show that I truly and honestly care? Do I have to starve myself to death to show that I care and that I'm sorry? I ask myself again, is this friendship even worth saving anymore. Am I really the only one at fault here? I know I'm are fault but do they know?
A simple sorry doesn't fix things, is a lesson I learned over the years. I can sorry as much as I want and mean it, but it won't ever fix past mistakes and past words. Be snide with me, ignore me, be rude to me for almost a whole month or two and expect me not to blame? That's.. I don't know what to describe that... I really don't... And then tell me sorry after all that and expect me to take the blame for why that person has done that? Can that person really blame me for getting defensive about that? Can that person blame me for wanting to get away from them? I accepted that, I took that behavior and went off with a smile. Do they know what I told people when those people started to say that I should cut off the friendship and such? I told them, I won't put anything against them. I won't hate them or anything. I won't hold ill will or grudges against that person. Why? Because they were my closest friend. They were like a sister to me. I care a lot about them. And the behavior? I took it, I wanted to make them happy. I wanted them to feel at peace even if they knew that they were being rude towards me. I guess I just hit my limit and began to be rude back. I honestly don't understand why they said that they just started when really, they've done it all along. It just became more apparent, that's really it. I know mines became more apparent which is why I ask for time to cool off. To calm down and take a step back to try and fix things. To tell me that I'm not willing to fix anything and don't care. I hope that person understands that that person made it not seem worth it over the past few months. That person has not even made me want to fix anything really. Because of that, I ask myself, 'is it really worth it?' I am at fault and I know that, but I want to know if they know that they're at fault too? That they're not only a victim in this whole mess. I never thought of myself as a victim. Actually, I thought I was the one whole was the sole reason for this whole stupid drama. I thought I was the one that was fully at fault, now that I look at it. Those people and I- all of us- are at fault. I was at a wrong, they were at a wrong, there is no victim in this. Only equals who have done wrong just as much as the other. There are faults on us as a human, I know that, I want to know if they know that. Words will not suffice for me though. I know I'm wrong, I know I'm at fault, I understand that. And I truly am sorry for what I have done. But... I want to know, would those people even do anything even if they know they were in the wrong as well? Would they apologize? Would they care? Do they care at all? I don't know, I don't have solutions to these. The only thing I know is that I really am sorry and that I honestly am sorry and wish to make amends. But I want time. I want time and space. Am I really the only monster in this whole ordeal? I don't know, I think I am a monster, but not the only one in this.
Tell me that I don't understand the situation, cause I really don't. I don't understand the person's situation nor how they act no matter the many years we've been together. I can't fully understand them like they want me to. I can't tell them words of comfort cause what if I say the wrong thing? It's offensive and such. I know I have issues but know what? I'm trying to fix my own issues. I'm trying to help myself, I'm trying to get better on my own. I'm not going to wallow in self-pity or loathe myself constantly. No, I will find a better way. I will find a better path to life, I will find my own happiness. Why would they deny me that? Is it wrong to even think of that? I don't know... I really don't know. But if those people are trying to bring me down with them, to wallow in darkness like they do, they are mistaken. I am a woman, an individual, I'm independent and I can very well make my own decisions. I won't be stuck at a road bump, I'll go around it. I won't sink low and let myself be there, I'll get better. I'll find a way out, I'll keep looking til I find a way out. I will get out and I will achieve that brighter future I want. That's what I want. That is my dream. That is my true desire. To find happiness, to live, to see, to experience, to help myself. That is what I want. That is what I'm going to do. And if those people are trying to drag me down and make their stress become my stress then...it really is true of what the other people around me say. It's unhealthy, they're unhealthy, you'll fall with them and they'll drag you down. I won't be suffocated but things such as that. I won't be brought down with just that. I will live, I will find it. I will! I will help myself I will find my happiness that I dream so much about! That is what I'll do! For once, I'll think of what I want, I'll do what I want, I'll do whatever I desire with no regrets just because I didn't follow a person's wants and desires. I won't let the sad things, the cruel things in life bring me down. I'll find my happiness even if it kills me. It's my turn and I won't let go of this turn. I'll use it to the fullest, I'll find it. One day, I will.Â
In truth, I wanted to tell you guys that I might be on a long haitus. Why I was going on one and what made me think I should go on one. Another reason is that I wanted to get this whole thing off of my chest before it kills me. I never went through losing close friends before, close friends that I have been friends with for 5 years. I wanted to get this off of my chest to help myself. To say what may be my final words to them if they ever read this or if they care. Even if they don't nor care, it doesn't bother me one bit. I found a way to help myself and I have others who are helping me along the way. All of you guys can still message me and such, I'll still be on here just not rping. ^^ Sorry for wasting your time with all of this stuff :3]]
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