discovering myself in my twenties

[discoveringmyselfinmytwenties]

hopeless romantic who doesn't want to fall in love

how can i love romance in novels and films, but I myself don't want to experience it. the fear of being vulnerable with someone is frightening to me. there will be a time when they are gone. its a fact. nothing is forever. i could use the distraction of the romance to blind the inevitable fear. but what good would that be? it just doesn't seem fair; how can i give my soul to someone and love them unconditionally just for it not to be more forever.  maybe the reason i love romance novels and films is that i'm envious of them. they are happy for the time they are given, whether it's an hour and 45 minutes or 476 pages of a novel. their romance is there forever, ready for it to be told over and over. but we only live once. we experience it once. it is only told once. so what good would it be to fall in love? to say that i have been in love? just does not seem worth it for me. maybe i am being naive. maybe i just have not fallen in love.  but i know i have. that is why i am saying this. i am scared. scared for it to go wrong again. i put myself out there and got nothing but heartbreak as the ending result.

-saturn

[discoveringmyselfinmytwenties]

week 3 of college

as i currently sit in a study room with the number 7 on the door, freezing. i can not help but think about a dream i had two nights ago as it resulted in me waking up very happy and continuing my day with such content.

my dream contained the unrequited love of mine and it was such an odd dream. (the dream) i was with my friends, poorly dressed, and i was nervous at the idea of me bumping into him. well he was there, with his girlfriend. there i go, dead in my tracks just looking at him with such admiration and lingering feelings that are becoming stronger the longer we stare at one another. overwhelmed by the feelings, i run. i could hear my friends shouting for me and him shouting for me, leaving me confused, as he sounded actually concerned. i ended up on the top floor of the building with no where to run, and he finally catches up to me in the elevator and he takes that time to explain himself to me about his feelings, pulling me back into his abyss of false promises. i can not help but think of the girl downstairs who stole his heart more than once. in which the forever fear i would have that he might/end up back with her. choosing to ignore the forever strong possibilty of that. i take my chances, even if we are only together for a month or a couple days. i'll take whatever i can just to be with him a moment longer. we ended up leaving the event holding hands and with big smiles on our faces.

now here i am in the study room not being able to think of the possibility of this coming true.

i need to focus on my anatomy for class.

i need to focus on studying for my biology exam.

i need to focus on studying for my geography exam.

i need to lose my focus on his false promises.

i need to lose the idea i have in my head of him,

of "us".

- saturn

[discoveringmyselfinmytwenties]

welcome

hello to all, i would like to welcome you to my blog. my goal for this blog is for me to write daily posts about my day and my discoveries. some things you should know about me is that i am a 22 year old college student, who has changed her major for the second time. who's to say that will be the last time. i am also a huge romantic but myself have never experienced any.

i do hope i experience romance in my lifetime. especially in college since the films always make it seem like such a wonderful or dreadful ride of a lifetime. i also do have high expectaions of romance and we can blame music, tv shows, books, and films. but then again are they really to blame for making us beleive in something beautiful and hopefully unique.

i have dipped my toes in romance, but its been unrequited for eight years now. funny enough he was my first kiss at nineteen. yes, i had my first kiss at nineteen. normal. him and i are on and off which is odd since we never really are on?

anyways, i hope you guys enjoy the ride of my so called life. i want to create a small community of friends on here too.

i love many things so we can also fangirl, lol.

thank you to all!

please rememeber to be kind to one another

-saturn