Call me doctor

And suddenly I'm an angel on the cutting room floor, wearing gore, a blank stare, and not much more

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Hello patients!

I'm going to use this blog for whatever I want really, whether it be vents, word salad, maybe medical facts

Edit- it's partially turned into a vent account but I don't really care at this moment

I have a side interest in medical/surgery based things, it's one of my dreams to watch my own surgery one day and I enjoy learning about human anatomy

Obviously I'm no actual doctor, just some idiot online! 💙

As a prerequisite, I do not mean for this account to gain many followers whatsoever, this is truly just a dumb little thing I wanted to use for my whims

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At that point in loneliness where I sink my teeth into every conversation I can, keep it going as long as I can so I can chew on it later. I have found myself looking back on old conversations for sustenance, I've been playing visual novels (so goood drools), and simply just watching/listening to others have conversations, anything I can.

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My self-consciousness will be my downfall and I know it.

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I'm just gonna vent in the tags for a moment

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Medplay save me medplay

It is probably rooted in vulnerability, at least in my case. I was/am absolutely the sick child in my family, I no longer flinch at a doctor's appointment and I have nearly fallen asleep in a dentist's chair several times. This is where I am most vulnerable and I find comfort in that I think? You give yourself to someone temporarily in order to heal something.

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1am, laying in bed and bawling to the song Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison was not on the bingo card but whatever, we'll deal

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I become increasingly aware of those who care about me far less than I care about them

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I must remember I am not palatable to everyone and that is okay. Not everyone will like me and that is okay, I must continue on and find those that will.

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Gross gross gross, I feel like I am rotting from the inside out!

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Sometimes I am too reactive for my own good, I take others feelings and turn it into my own incredibly quickly and it has bitten me in the ass several times. But there are also times where I am not reactive enough, I let it slide off me when others are upset and I don't see the issue. It's becoming increasingly obvious to me that human emotions are just fucked, or moreso mine are? I wish I wasn't human.

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I have been feeling gross lately. Like I want to retch up every little part of me and flush it down the drain. All the thoughts and words and images and every little crumb just ejected until I am left with a blank slate. I am not used to the feeling of disgust if I am honest, I have a strong stomach and I don't flinch at most things, it seems myself is an exception. Maybe I simply need to shower, I have heard many people say that showers fix those kinds of feelings.

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I've gotten better at some things over the years and it's important to voice that sometimes.

I've gotten braver! I don't flinch walking into the doctors office or asking for something at the store.

I'm learning to communicate better! I voice my opinions easier and I'm finding it less upsetting when people don't agree with it.

I've learned to just feel things without trying to distract myself from them and they tend to leave faster.

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I also am getting better at admitting I'm wrong!

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I've gotten better at some things over the years and it's important to voice that sometimes.

I've gotten braver! I don't flinch walking into the doctors office or asking for something at the store.

I'm learning to communicate better! I voice my opinions easier and I'm finding it less upsetting when people don't agree with it.

I've learned to just feel things without trying to distract myself from them and they tend to leave faster.

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It hurts to watch the moths that get stuck in my room hit the fan over and over, they don't understand when I catch them gently in my palm that I'm trying to help. I'm no savior in their little eyes but that's okay as long as they get to spread their wings outside once more

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The way a wound physically heals can be related to the mind as well, I think.

You focus on the painful aspect first, it's all you can think about, the only thing you can feel, that throbbing that follows the beat of your heart.

Soreness is next, still a form of pain but sometimes you forget about it until something rouses it, you bump into a table, scratch a little too close, sometimes you reopen it and start over.

Then after long enough there's that itchy uncomfortable phase, it doesn't hurt anymore but you find yourself scratching at it, accidentally(or sometimes on purpose) peeling the dead pieces off. It's an annoyance now, scratch too hard or pick at it too long and it opens again and you start over.

Then you can peek at the new skin underneath, or even the scar left behind, smooth or bumpy but painless, depending on the severity it will hurt again at one point, but temporarily, and you will remember the healing process and how far you have come.

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Did you guys know that after about two months in zero, astronauts lose the layer of skin on the bottom of their feet in one sheet or large chunks?

The body believes there's no use for that layer now that you aren't using it, I imagine it would be painful coming back down to full gravity

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What I would give to perform my own autopsy

I would be thorough too, no stone unturned, I want to see every little thing, every little mass and difference, every bit of scar tissue and the evidence of different conditions and sickness.