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@dissociated-nyx
A note for caretaker alters like me: You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to have all the “bad” emotions. Because they aren’t actually bad. They’re just part of being a living, feeling being.
If you don’t take care of yourself you can’t take care of your system. They will survive if you take some time to feel what you need to feel. They might not if you hold it until it breaks you.
Time for my big semi-annual update I guess 😅
K and I are still going to get married, but have no real timeline. We will be moving in together in March. We've started doing family therapy with someone who is poly-friendly and works with DID (honestly idk how we lucked out so much!! She's perfect) to prepare for the changes. Those changes are going to include, starting next month, me driving kids to school on the weeks they're with K. So I have to change my work and sleep schedule but... they're worth it.
I also recently cut contact with my parents. We'd been planning to do so for about 6 months (I think?) and finally did it two weeks ago. Life has, for the most part, felt normal since then with some relief and some sadness. I'm really proud of us for doing it despite how scary it was.
Work has still, for the most part, been good. I've started specializing in treating OCD, which I never would have expected but the modality for it just clicks in my brain and I find it really fulfilling to help people change their lives in this specific way. At the same time, work is really hard. Last Thursday in particular was the hardest day I've had as a therapist and pushed me over the precipice into burnout. At my supervisor's urging I took today off. And I have a 6 day stretch coming up of no work, where I'm going on vacation with a partner, which feels very needed right now.
I also started ADHD testing. Right now I'm just waiting for my fiancee to fill out her things (collateral contact) and then I'll schedule the second session. I already felt unexpextedly validated during the first meeting—some of the questions were about the way my thoughts work in a way that no one has ever asked before and I haven't really talked about. I'm still not 100% sure if I have ADHD or not, but that's the point of the testing (and then to access medication if I do).
I've started being a lot more open about my DID in my personal life. I have a lot of plural folks (DID and otherwise) in my life and I just got tired of not joining in conversations about it because I was scared. Like, my partners and three friends knew (2 of whom have DID). But I ended up just sharing a bit about it in our friend/community server so... people know now, and nothing bad happened, and I can talk about it more freely, which is really nice.
A minor but fun update is that I'm getting hotter. I'm leaning more and more into alt fashion, including makeup and jewelry. I'm having a lot of fun expressing this kind of androgyny and it looks really good on me.
There's probably some big things I'm missing but I'll leave things here for now 😊
I keep starting posts about something on here and not finishing them. Because my life has been changing in several big ways over the past months. I feel like I've entered a new era, and it's hard to encapsulate all at once. But I really want to talk about it.
About 6 months ago, I met my partner's kids for the first time. I had thought for a while that I had felt ready to, and was waiting for K to feel ready as well. And I was, largely, right. Because after the first few times I hung out with them, I had a lot of big grief feelings, both related to the pregnancy I lost as a teen and because I had suppressed my desire for kids after my awful breakup with my ex-fiancee. So I ended up doing a lot of grieving in the fall/early winter but I've been able to process and move through those feelings. I was ready to process them.
So now I've built these relationships with K's two kids and I absolutely adore them. Getting to spend time with them and K feels like it fills my heart in a way I didn't even know existed. They trust me and like me, and K trusts me so deeply with them that in January she asked me to be next of kin.
But more than that, K and I have been talking about living together. First in the context of a communal/polycule household with me, her, the kids, my partner C, and her partner A. We did float this idea to C and A... both of whom don't seem inclined towards it. But K and I have continued talking about it and K and the kids and I are going to live together.
And the most recent development is that K and I decided to get married! Largely because it logistically makes sense, but we're also embracing the romantic aspect of it. It won't be anytime soon, we're still just starting to talk about it and tell people in our lives, but at some point.
All of it makes me so happy. And all of it feels so natural. Like: yes of course this is the direction things are going. K said something like "We've always been intentional about avoiding the relationship escalator, but the path we took led to the same elevation without us even noticing."
It's going to be a whole lot of change. I am both impatient for it and feel trepidatious about navigating some of those changes. But being here with them... it all feels right. It feels like exactly what I want my life to be.
And the thing is. I'm not actually mad at any of them. I know that. I just can't direct my anger at who I'm actually mad at because when I even think about it I start to get dizzy and have stabby head pain it is not allowed.
Having one of those days where I'm walking around feeling like I'm masquerading as the person that everyone seems to think I am.
Calm
Compassionate
Hopeful
That's how people have described Blue. That's what they expect of me. But inside I have been boiling with rage from the moment I woke up. I want to scream and break things and tell people to shut the fuck up and deal with their own goddamn problems for once.
Which is not ideal for being a therapist. I know it's inappropriate in any context to act that way. Which is why I'm masquerading today as a calm, compassionate, hopeful therapist. And a calm, compassionate, hopeful partner and friend. As Blue. But I feel sick to my stomach with anger and just want to be left alone.
I'm visiting my siblings this weekend and it's making me realize that we're once again in different stages of life. For a while there, it felt like we were in relatively similar places. But visiting them now I feel... old. Especially with the changes in my life I've been exploring and discussing the past few months. Because I'm at a place now where I'm not only talking about moving in with a partner and her kids (and possibly a few more polycule members), that partner and I have started talking about marriage. I'm thinking about big things like creating a will and saving toward buying a house.
And it was very apparent yesterday that I've changed and grown up a lot in the past year. And my siblings are very much still in their early-mid 20s stage of trying to figure out what to do with their lives and how to be adults. My brother especially, he feels more like a teenager to be honest. Seeing how much he's struggling is heartbreaking for me.
And I know when I was their ages I also was struggling a lot. I was also figuring out what to do with my life and how to be an adult, how to manage my mental and physical health, how to be in healthy relationships. My growth has been exponential, and I know that they'll grow too.
But for now it does feel like there's a distance between our lives again, one that has been building for a while but has become extra apparent with my changes in the past few months. It makes me feel a bit sad, the distance. I feel like so much of my life I've had to step into the role of second mother for my siblings and I find myself doing that again now. That's not how I want things to be.
My girlfriend K introduced me yesterday to a visual novel about plurality that had me bawling. In a good way! Like, it felt like being seen. It felt like a release.
I only played the first two chapters. Because toward the end of the second, I started tearing up and then there was one paragraph that just had me sobbing. K was so wonderful and just held me. She's been talking about this vn (in vague ways) for months, and yesterday asked to show it to me after I shared with her a song that I strongly relate to my DID.
Important context here is that K is plural. She loves this vn because she relates to it. We talked about it a bit afterward, and it was really interesting because I related to one character, who is distressed by a lack of connection to her parts which leads to her feeling hollow, and talks about having "infinite" parts. K relates more to the protagonist, whose parts are portrayed as very loud, present voices conversing about every decision and action you make. And I think that has been a pretty interesting distinction in our experiences, down to me labeling mine as DID and she labeling hers as plurality.
K said she really wants to go through the rest of the vn with me to see my reactions and hear my thoughts and I think I would really like that. It feels like once it would have felt "safer" to experience media like this alone, but now... I both want that comfort of her being there and I want it to help us continue to grow in our understanding of each other.
stress split our brains
Many Voices Newsletter (1989-2012)
Just realized that today is my 1-year anniversary at my job. I've been a therapist for a whole year now!! 😮
I finally had that very triggering healthcare appointment yesterday. I had done a fair amount of prep work for it—planning in therapy, getting emotional support, asking a partner for a ride and care afterwards, tucking away parts who didn't need to be there, taking my anxiety rescue med... etc.
And it went okay. It was still upsetting and very unpleasant physically, but we managed to not be wildly triggered by it. We got into the car afterward and told our partner "I was so brave" and they told us how proud they are of us. They were just so incredibly sweet through all of it. They didn't even know why we had asked for so much support until after the appointment, they were just willing to show up for whatever reason and let me talk about things on my own timeline. I really love them.
And then last night, after a few hours to recover and spend time with that partner and get dinner, they and I went to a punk show of 3 bands that I like (including one of my favorites). And it was exactly what I needed. It reenergized me both physically and emotionally. Punk shows are one of the places I find it easiest to unmask. I can be just raw emotion and physicality, let my body respond to the music however it wants to. It's just so incredibly cathartic, every time.
And I went in the pit, which is one of the only adrenaline-boosting activities I enjoy. It's such an interesting form of intimacy via violence. Like. You're literally just smashing into people but it's completely consensual and there's a lot of care that goes into it. I fell at one point and two people immediately reached down to haul me back to my feet and that's just how it goes. It looks like a mess from the outside but there's an etiquette to it.
I also made a potential new friend. As soon as my partner and I got to the venue we walked toward an open table, and a trans guy at the next table over commented on my band shirt. We got to chatting with him and the friend he was with, and throughout the night just kept finding our ways to each other. I really hit it off with his friend, and we swapped contact info. I fucking love the local punk scene 🥰
Last night was one of those remarkable times where I just look at my life and am amazed at how far it's come.
I had a housewarming party. I had 10 amazing people over—and a handful more who had been invited but weren't able to come. This included, for the first time, my two friend groups meeting. My older friend group including/centered around my former roommate, and my new friend group. I've helped host parties before but I've never had one of my own like this, and it feels really moving to think about how everyone was there because they care about me.
It was just really lovely. A partner and a friend both brought baked goods totally unprompted. Another friend brought me flowers from their garden. We had snacks and played a game and listened to MCR and were just silly.
My heart just feels so full. It of course wasn't perfect—my girlfriend and a friend got sick so couldn't be there, one of my partners couldn't be there because of distance, and I was in pain toward the end of the party. But it was still so amazing.
I especially needed it after this week, I think. I spent more time than usual this week home alone watching tv, and it feels really nice to be reminded that I have people who love me and want to spend time with me, and that all my hard work is paying off because I have built a better life for myself than I could have dreamed of.
This last week I've had some triggering and distressing health things happening. I'm not gonna get into details, but it's put me in more pain than I've been in for a long time. It's been very intermittent at least. But bad. Yesterday I started crying on my way home from work because I had been fine most of the day and then the last half hour of work was in pain and nauseous. I had planned to do laundry and cook last night because I had already been putting it off but instead spend the majority of the night curled up on the couch, first in pain and then just exhausted.
Today has been better. Still dealing with it, but less often and less intense.
And tomorrow I see my doctor. To be honest, if I didn't already have this scheduled with her I probably would have gone to acute/urgent care. But, because it's already going to be triggering, at least this doctor I know and trust.
I have therapy right after, too. I did opt for telehealth this week because I don't know how long my appointment will take, and there's already construction that would make the drive to therapy take an extra 10 minutes. But, I'll get to have therapy and process all of this and the appointment itself.
I've also had a lot of health anxiety spirals about this, because I think its an exacerbation of something I was diagnosed with years ago and didn't keep an eye on, but it could also be many other things. And if it is what I think it is, I'll probably need at least one more triggering appointment in the next few weeks. And who knows after that
So yeah I'm just an exhausted bundle of pain and anxiety this week. And still working full days despite it.
(Remade because I meant to change the amount of time for this poll to stay up lol)
Does your therapist frequently feel like a stranger/feel unfamiliar?
Yes; every or almost every session
Frequently, but not that often
Every so often, but not that much
Rarely/only under rare circumstances
No, never
Vanilla extract/I'm bald (don't have a therapist/nuance)
Curious because this is a CONSTANT problem for us - basically every session with our therapist, she is a stranger to us, and sometimes it's really distressing and uncomfortable. My friend said that this is rarely a problem and I'm curious others' experiences.
(I would prefer if people with CDDs took this, as that was the intended audience, since this is directly because of my DID, I wanted to know how often other people with CDDs experience this if at all, I apologize for not specifying that)
I was on the verge of a meltdown today (/started to have one but did a lot of things to try to regulate) and it reminded me just how much I have set up my life to accommodate myself.
I'm on a trip right now with a partner, metamour, and some of their people. We're staying in an airbnb. I haven't really had space to myself (not even when sleeping, since there's 3 rooms for 5 people). And that could actually be fine, but it's also been a bit noisy and we've been doing a lot of things together. Which means that I haven't been listening to my music.
Music is a huge regulating thing for me. It's sensory input but I have control over it (so, when other people put on music it can still be overstimulating). It can help drown out other noise and replace it with noise I like (especially with my noise canceling earbuds) while also providing me with a good amount of stimulation.
Normally I listen to music: in the shower, in the car, when hanging out with friends, when I'm chilling at home, when I'm cooking, when I'm cleaning, sometimes whole doing documentation at work, when I'm getting ready for bed, when I'm walking... etc. Often I put on music and just feel the tension in my body let go. I breathe deeper.
And I hadn't been listening to my music since Wednesday, other than a little bit last night as I was falling asleep. I really do think that's a big factor in why I got so overstimulated today.
Because when it happened I went to sit outside for a bit (we were in the middle of a game, so I'm grateful my partner told me to take some space) and did some of my somatic soothing (self holds and stimming and deep breathing) and cried and it just. Wasn't cutting it. So then went for a walk by myself with my earbuds in and that brought me back to the point I could at least interact with other people again without feeling like I was going to scream/sob/claw my skin off/etc.
So for the rest of the trip I'm going to try to listen to music and take space more. And try to remember in the future how incredibly important it is in helping me stay regulated.
I really would like my therapist back now 😭
