who knows?

27 | they/them | blogging about my DID/treatment experiences | I am NOT a professional! All unsourced posts are solely based on my experiences and opinions, not facts | DNI: nsfw, cg/l, pro ed/self harm, anti psychology, traumacore, or if you’re just here to start fights

[dissociatedpeach]

Hi, I’m Peachy. they/them pronouns. I started this blog about two years ago, after being diagnosed with DID. DNI at bottom if this is too long

What this blog is: a place for me to post about my experiences with therapy, DID, and other mental illness, my opinions on certain things (sometimes related to DID, sometimes not), some (sourced) educational posts I find interesting or helpful, and occasionally my other interests or posts I think other parts would like to see

What this blog is NOT: a professional resource. While I do sometimes make educational posts, they will always be linked back to the book or website I got the information from. I myself am not an expert on DID or any other mental illness, but I do read a lot and think sharing research here can help people who aren’t sure where to look. Please feel free to ask me for resources and I will be happy to try and help you find them!

PLEASE DNI if you are a NSFW blog, a cg/l blog, an anti recovery (pro-Ed/self harm etc) blog, an anti psychology blog, a traumacore blog, or use terms like “sysmed”, “traumascum”, etc.

Also I am an adult, so I would also appreciate if minors didn’t interact with me without stating that they are a minor. I just want everyone to be as safe as possible.

Ask boundaries would be:

-please no trauma dumping. I am sorry if you’re hurting but talk to a professional, not another traumatized person who’s triggers you have no ideas about. This includes if you want/need a trigger tagged. I don’t need to know the reason why it triggers you, it’s perfectly okay to ask me to tag anything, I won’t judge it. But I do not consent to hearing about others’ trauma

-Along with that, don’t ask for details of my own trauma. I do occasionally post vague bits of what happened to me but I don’t want questions about it randomly.

-I cannot tell you if you have DID or another disorder, I’m just a random stranger on the internet who’s figuring out their own shit, so please speak with a professional ASAP if you have concerns. I will however be happy to try to direct you to proper resources if I can

- I am okay with answering questions about my experiences with diagnosis, treatment, and discovering myself/my parts. I am happy to talk about myself or other parts, aside from trauma related questions

Notes: I use “parts language”, I do not use or like “alter roles” (if they help you, that’s wonderful. But pls don’t use them to refer to me or other parts), I do not want to be involved in “inclusive plural communities” (I do believe systems outside of DID/OSDD can exist, I just do not believe we’re experiencing the same thing and therefore should not be lumped together). If any of this makes you uncomfortable, feel free to unfollow or block me but please do not tell me how to speak on my own blog*

*if I post something misinformed (as in, not based on fact and unsourced! I don’t mean something that goes against your opinion) or in the wrong tags, feel free to correct me

[dissociatedpeach]

Dark academia aesthetic but make it childhood trauma/neglect related:

- books left out in the rain because outside your home was the only safe place to be but you have to hurry to get inside when called

- books dropped into bathtubs because you are too jumpy when you hear noises

-reading the same book/series over and over again as a distraction from real life

-8 year old dressed in all black reading adult horror stories in class until they get yelled at to pay attention

-10 year old browsing the used bookstore for literal hours because nobody is around to take you home

-exchanging old books for new books and then old books again because you have no money but you do have store credit

-only happy memory as a very young kid being the visit you took with your mother to the library before she stopped loving you and paying attention to you

-knowing Too Much Too Young because you weren’t supervised on anything you read. As long as you were quiet it was fine. Who cares about the nightmares?

[dissociatedpeach]

Insert *this is a joke, right?* sound here

[dissociatedpeach]

Listen I made the mistake of reading fanfic regarding my source and I’m Upset ™

[fatsexybitch]

Time literally isn't real

[saint-batrick]

i legit can't deal with wall clocks because they make me aware of the passage of time. i only deal with time by checking my phone and applying those arbitrary numbers so some loose concept of where in the day i am. i find calendars similarly upsetting.

[dissociatedpeach]

(Psssst. You are responsible for how you choose to use social media. It is not up to anyone else to do things for you. Trigger warnings are nice and common courtesy but it is not always going to be there. Block people. Block trigger words/tags. And for real if something is that triggering to you for your sake please stop going on that persons account and arguing with them when you’re just gonna keep seeing their posts that triggered you in the first place!!!)

[dissociatedpeach]

I don’t know what’s going on inside my own mind. Our communication is totally wrecked lately, too much stress and too many triggers make it hard to focus or even want to communicate because all of us are hurting so badly that it seems we all want nothing more than to isolate and self destruct. Maybe not *all* of us but at least older parts, trauma holders.

Some of the younger ones just want affection but not the kind any of us can give them and that just makes things harder. I will never be good enough to really take care of them. None of us will. They want a mom and dad who care about them and take care of them the way a mom and dad are supposed to and I can’t give them that.

Everything hurts so badly it’s like I can’t even breathe. I can’t even think. Nothing is logical and it’s all just horrible emotions and memories and pain and I can’t take it much longer. I wanna go away. I need a break from feeling anything

[dissociatedpeach]

And I feel fucking stupid because I thought I was finally ready to date and I’m really really really obviously not

[dissociatedpeach]

I swear to god I will never tell a single soul about my trauma ever fucking again. I don’t know why I’ve been so stupid to do it before but never. NEVER. again.

[dissociatedpeach]

How long til the “so which of your alters is Billy Milligan” jokes start I mean it’s been like 3 years and we still hear “which one of you is Patricia and which of you is the Beast” so

[magerightsyeah]

I dont need therapy I just need to see characters I relate to experience character development

[fuckkyliejenner]

when you’re dissociating and someone asks you a question

[dissociatedpeach]

I hate when I have the motivation to do something but then I have to do something else first and lose all motivation to do anything else after that thing

[dissociatedpeach]

Ha yes I love when my parents talk about how terrible other parents were when their children were young and how their now adult children shouldn’t forgive them and talk to them even if they’ve changed as if we aren’t in the EXACT same situation

[dissociatedpeach]

My trauma-brain wont shut up

[dissociatedpeach]

I wish I knew what to do to make me better

I wish there was some magical way to detect “yes this is what you need to help you recover” instead of just trial and error. I’m exhausted. I just need to stop feeling like this and I don’t know how to do that

[dissociatedpeach]

Alsoooo. I came out to my mom as trans today. She was not quite as dismissive as she was a few years ago when I tried to come out but tbh I don’t really care about how she feels about me anymore. It felt good to just say “this is who I am right now and maybe I’m wrong, maybe things will change again in a month or a year or whatever but none of that matters now. What matters is me being open about how I feel NOW and if that changes that’s okay”

It took me so many years to realize that statement was true for me. That my gender and my sexuality both are allowed to change if I feel something else fits me better later and it’s okay for me to just *be* right now. I don’t even need labels if I don’t want them. I can just be Kaia and I can be content with that.