distracted butterflies @distracted-butterflies - Tumblr Blog

my relationship with my mother in a sort of poem

it’s gone beyond tough love at this point

the approach poisoned with suspicion

why would i want to obey

when threats are thrown like hot coals at my feet

making me dance into submission

and why?! would i want to share the tangles of my mind

when you pry further than what is respectful or right?

the claustrophobia is overwhelming

the feeling of being stuck is a lump caught in my throat

and i want to cry

but i won’t

because you’ll tell me i’m being overdramatic

and that i must grow the fuck up

the world’s a little blurry

or maybe it’s just my eyes

sun trickling down through the oak leaves

creating dappled patterns on my hands

hands

i can’t feel them

except for a slight tingle

second and third fingers i press to where my thumb joins my arm

prodding around for the evidence of my existing mortality

there i am

two ticks reminding me i’m still here in flesh

though my mind might be adventuring

- dissociated

(first and second lines from “ilomilo” by billie eilish)

(the rest by me :)

but how, tell me, how? do i break free from the chains of manipulation whilst being pulled down under by my fear of disappointing?

i want so desperately to give, to please, to prove myself worthy

but they take, oh, they take

plump pieces of my sanity and toss but the crumbs of what’s left back in my face

but wait

that sweet carrot that they for so long dangled in front of my hungry face has now lost its attractive hue

look how it is now shrivelled and without juice or succulence

dry in the mouth that once craved its alleged sustenance

the plaster hurts as it’s yanked off

in one go

all done

no more

recognition of the truth floods my mind with each step i take with back toward them

they’re still shouting

even as i leave forever

that i’ll never amount to much without their precious guidance and wisdom

but i block my ears to them with my new found freedom

disrobing myself of the dirty cardigan of control

and i relish in the waterfall that is life without them

fresh

new

and truly mine

nappingscientist

I was broken but still you called me beautiful I cried and you cried with me I couldn’t understand the way you saw the world so we sat there embraced by the silence and looked at the sky until you said I’m broken too you held my hand and in that moment I understood why you can only see stars in the black of night -G.S.

(via nappingscientist)

nappingscientist

you didn’t think you were beautiful because your eyes were brown and not blue because your hair was the night sky instead of the sun but to me you were perfect your hair was my favorite time of day and your eyes were like stars your smile gave way to crescent moons and I couldn’t help but fall in love every single time -G.S.

(via nappingscientist)

phpoetry

And suddenly every love song I’d ever heard was about you

P.H. (via phpoetry)

mjalti

me, drinking tea: pls leaf water….sage my body of the demons of my past…steam my colon…let me know peace

me, drinking coffee: I beg of u bean juice….cleanse me of the curse of sleep….make my heart beat like a tribal drum in ceremony….let me conquer this building