a collection of in-character dialogue from the balance arc of the adventure zone podcast. this is part one, taken from here there be gerblins, moonlighting i / ii / iii, murder on the rockport limited, and lunar interlude i. to be used as sentence starters. as per usual, feel free to change pronouns or whatever you see fit.
ใโ hey, letโs search these fools. โ
ใโ no, i like my plan. โ
ใโ now they definitely know weโre here. โ
ใโ iโm foolhardy, but iโm not stupid. โ
ใโ iโm still chilling out here, if anyoneโs curious. โ
ใโ excellent. well, i trust your judgment. โ
ใโ hello, friend! hail and well met! โ
ใโ weโve taken a wrong turn. โ
ใโ how dangerous are you? how dangerous are we talking? โ
ใโ you are making meโฆ extremely uncomfortable. โ
ใโ โฆwell, tits. โ
ใโ yeah, fuck that guy. for real, though. โ
ใโ are you sure you donโt want any tea? โ
ใโ can i play with your dog? โ
ใโ what the hell are you talking about? โ
ใโ it would look super bad if i just, like, died. โ
ใโ well, iโm not like every dwarf you know. โ
ใโ so far so good by me. โ
ใโ i love riddles. โ
ใโ oh, your voice is like a songโฆ โ
ใโ youโre super wrong. youโre, like, super duper wrong. โ
ใโ i might need your help still, come with me. โ
ใโ kind of a weird question, kind of a weird request. โ
ใโ dooonโt test me. had a reeeal long day. โ
ใโ iโm not going to lie, this is super above your pay grade. โ
ใโ when did you wake up? โ
ใโ bring it on, tough guy. โ
ใโ roll to chill. chill check. โ
ใโ you guys are gonna love what happens next. โ
ใโ you guys ready for stuff to get weird? โ
ใโ i am but a simple idiot wizard. โ
ใโ oh, donโt sell yourself short. โ
ใโ that was very kind of you. thank you for doing that. โ
ใโ congratulations are in order. โ
ใโ i just want a dog. โ
ใโ no dogs are allowed on the moon. โ
ใโ any other non-terrible questions? โ
ใโ what are you wearing? โ
ใโ you donโt have to go home, but you canโt stay here. โ
ใโ if you do that, youโll definitely die. โ
ใโ i thought iโd feel more excited. that was just kind of sad. โ
ใโ how far away is your house? โ
ใโ i am just so charmed by you. โ
ใโ iโd like to sit on your lap and rest here a little bit. โ
ใโ okay, well, this was a great talk. โ
ใโ but my whole body is a weapon. โ
ใโ tell me all about it, stud! โ
ใโ a witch kissed me and cursed me. โ
ใโ smell ya later. โ
ใโ hey, man, are you alright? โ
ใโ first of all, do you need anything? โ
ใโ iโm just trying to chase my bliss. โ
ใโ thereโs nowhere iโd rather be than here, my man. โ
ใโ for right now, iโm gonna get my grub on. โ
ใโ okay, thatโs not cool, man. โ
ใโ whatโs the skinny, kid? โ
ใโ i am the worldโs greatest detective. โ
ใโ thereโs prying eyes and prying ears! โ
ใโ fine, iโll come. โ
ใโ high fives all around! โ
ใโ oh, no, absolutely not. โ
ใโ that hurt a lot! โ
ใโ are you interrogating me? โ
ใโ do you want a cup of coffee? โ
ใโ daddy needs his special magic juice. โ
ใโ you are impossible to talk to. โ
ใโ iโm a shitty wizard. โ
ใโ it doesnโt seem like the right time or place for that. โ
ใโ iโll pinky swear! โ
ใโ youโve been doing a surprisingly good job! โ
ใโ oof, thatโs a biiig ask. โ
ใโ iโve found that not killing is pretty easy. โ
ใโ bad news, compadres. this place is magic as hell. โ
ใโ thatโs exactly right. it would confirm my suspicion. โ
ใโ i have a moment of lucidity and i donโt want to waste it. โ
ใโ i would sooner die! โ
ใโ letโs hear your theory, little man. โ
ใโ donโt touch my stuff. โ
ใโ have a little bit of faith in humanity. โ
ใโ what if i get bored? โ
ใโ what the fuck? โ
ใโ i hate you all so much. โ
ใโ absolutelyโฆ not. probably. โ
ใโ iโm too young to die! โ
ใโ itโs okay, theyโre with me! โ
ใโ let us be as two ships passing. โ
ใโ tell it to the bees. โ
ใโ i canโt believe youโve done this. โ
ใโ you better keep that shit in check. โ
ใโ do yโall wanna get paid or naw? โ
ใโ this is super, duper, duper illegal. โ
ใโ are we under attack? โ
ใโ if you lose, your first child is mine. โ
ใโ i know youโre wondering, โโwhatโs in it for me?โโ iโve already told you this: it is _____. โ
ใโ i feel like this conversationโs starting to take a turn for the worst, so iโm gonna head out. โ
ใโ well, strangers arenโt strangers anymore once youโve talked to them and learned their names. โ
ใโ i do wish i could help you out in this regard, but i do not think there is anything i can do for you. โ
ใโ hereโs my solution, and i think youโre going to find it very equitable: iโm not going to shoot you with this giant crossbow. โ