To begin with, I’d like to point out that this year was the most tasking and emotion-filled year I’ve ever had in my 17 years and 6 months of existence. I’ve been through a lot of wrecking situations, fluctating emotions, and creative spree throughout the 365 days 2015 has offered. Some were situations that I’ve been familiar and been through with. Some were new and foreign. Some were common. Some were unexpected. But there was one thing in common in them: I’d never knew I would make it.
January was the start of the end. It was the start of the year, term, training, and, basically, new beginnings. The whole month of January was uneventful except for the 2 last weeks. On January 23, an event and a particular person changed my world. They were the start of my end. Richard, a senior of mine, unpurposely injured my right shoulders during training. It was exactly 3 days before a competition I was supposed to join. Little did I know that my shoulder isn’t the only one which will need healing and recovery. My heart fell for him as well. After that incident, we started to know each other. We started to go home together as well since we’re headed on the same direction. It was then when I knew that I shouldn’t let my feelings slip out of hand. I tried to grasp and hold it tied, but it was to big to contain.
February, ah the month of hearts. Ironic to say it was also the month where my heart was dead. It was also the month where Richard and I drifted away. He suddenly stopped appearing in training halfway through the month. I was left hanging and in silence. I can still remember how the pang in my heart felt. It was the desperate feeling of trying to stop all the things that mattered in breaking us apart. There I was shedding all the tears pleading to get some rest from the emotional havoc I’ve stupidly chose to travel. There are times where I’d just start to cry silently while walking towards the next station. A lot of them were where I’d still think about him on my way home. At this point, I got very distracted from training and even school. I remembered how I flunked a test because I was too broken to study.
It was during the whole month of March where everything poured in. He somewhat returned to training, together with my feelings. The gap and tension between us made me avoid him for the sake of attempting to fix things. It didn’t. It got a lot more complicated after he showed a lot of mixed actions. It left me confused, yet I decided to go against him. Honestly, there were a lot of times where I wanted to accept his tempting invitations, but I rejected them in fear of having my dignity trampled on and getting hurt along the way. Still, I did get hurt because of the regrets and the countless thoughts of what ifs. Either way, March made me feel like dying. I was failing school due to how emotionally invested I was at that time. I’ve been abusing my health by still going to training although my shoulder is very far from okay, thus garnering another injury on the same location. I felt tired, and I wanted a day where I just won’t wake up and forget.
April is where I felt like I’ve struggled the most and crawled my way back on the right track. School was taking its toll on me. I almost failed one subject but somehow managed to barely pass it. I was skipping training and rehab altogether because it felt like not worth wasting the energy that I’ve been saving to wake myself up every morning. My emotions, surprisingly, have gone stable. Maybe because I had an episode where I just exploded my feelings out. It was a good release, but not good enough.
May was the month where it felt like I could redeem and collect myself. It was the start of summer term. I finally went back to training in a good condition. Everything was doing well until Richard decided to go back to training. And there he was, making our situation a lot more awkward than before. We did go home once. I’ve also decided to confront him and confess so that the whole fiasco would end. I’ve carefully laid out a script and kept on replaying the situation in my mind. All I need is the perfect timing, but it was never given to me.
Nothing spectacular happened in June. I went through the whole month doing what I was supposed to be doing and also patiently waiting for the right moment to carry out my plan. I also celebrated my birthday with only a few people remembering or even knowing it. My teammates didn’t even know. At that time, I’ve gotten certain that it would make me sad when people don’t remember my birthday. It seems like they’re better off when I don’t exist.
I don’t even want to remember the month of July. July has given me the worst of the worst, and the best of the best at the same time. I was finally ready to go back to compete. I was trained and even noticed by my coach. But fate was cruel to me. I got injured on the same shoulder a week before the actual competition. I could’ve simply chose not to continue, but I still went through with it. Even with an aching shoulder, I still trained and firmly decided to compete. I remember trying to hide the injury from my mother because I know how furious she’ll get. I remember asking the physical therapist to tape my shoulder and holding my tears back after she berated for not going to therapy and getting myself injured again. I remember how I ran with a jacket and my uniform on around our house just to lose extra weight. I remember competing with a shoulder that I couldn’t barely lift without feeling any pain. I remember those humiliating moments. I remember pinching myself so that I wouldn’t cry. I did all of them just prove that I’m doing my best to show that I won’t give up. I did all of them to show that I am not weak. I did all of them so show and prove my worth. It wasn’t enough for them. Later, I’ve found out that I got a far more intense injury, and I’ve already decided to quit from the misery. Luckily, it was the best choice I’ve ever made. Not only that, I’ve also redeemed myself in school.
August and September were pretty uneventful except for the time where I joined an organization where I could share my artworks and poems. I also lost my phone on a September morning. It was on that day that I’ve decided to stay away from riding the train out of trauma.
The same uneventful month happened during October. I’m doing well in school, as a matter of fact. I’ve never felt this free before. I’ve also managed to learn more about myself in terms of my creative and artistic side. There was one time where I saw Richard and exchanged an awkward hug with him. After that, everything was pretty much the same.
November flew in quickly. I managed to spend 2 days with my team after 5 months from quitting. It was a bittersweet moment. I realized that I should be competing and representing the school if I hadn’t quit. Richard was there, and the feelings are back again. I met a lot of people that made me consider into going back to the team. It’s a decision I have to make for the next year.
December, in all honestly, felt like it was only yesterday. I ended the term earning a spot in the Dean’s Honor List (from a gpa of 2.715 to 3.450). I also went to a three-day seminar which I learned more about myself and my craft as well. I miss the whole event right now. Dad was home for Christmas. We had a stressful yet fun holiday in Singapore and Malaysia. It was then I realized that I don’t want my mother as my travel companion. I spent the end of the year with good friends and good memories.
Looking back, it was a rollercoaster of year for me. I had a lot of ups and downs, but just like any ride, there will always be an end. And there was for me.
