BW

i don't live in chaos; chaos lives in me

[divinechaos-bw]

self care

I took care of myself and it wasn’t beautiful.

I took care of myself by looking at the overdue bills in my face even though it hurt.

I took care of myself by crying ugly through therapy session and made another appointment for next week.

I took care of myself by writing down every bad memory in detail then read it out loud.

I took care of myself by doing it the other way even though it was scary.

I took care of myself by facing it. And I saw it. I saw it all and. And I screamed and cried and begged it to stop but it didn't. And thank God for it. I rediscovered myself.

I took care of myself by cutting off all my dead ends and let go. I recycled.

I apologized to all my friends I didn’t have the energy to talk to. God bless their hearts.

I took care of myself and it wasn’t bubble baths and fancy products. It was uncomfortable.

Taking care of myself wasn’t beautiful, but I am, and it didn’t have to be beautiful to be worth it.

[divinechaos-bw]

feminine & masculine

I've always been fascinated by the dynamics of masculine and feminine energy.

One of the most intriguing aspects is how they perfectly balance each other. Instead of viewing them in competition, we should see them in harmony and synchronicity. Essentially, both energies are of the same essence, positioned at the opposite sides of the sexuality spectrum.

We all embody both masculine and feminine energies to varying degrees. In some spiritual traditions, this is referred to as the inner god and goddess.

Typically, individuals born male tend to exhibit more masculine traits, while those born female tend to exhibit more feminine traits. However, this is not set it stone; many men possess feminine qualities and vice versa.

Our attractions often follow a complementary pattern—we are generally drawn to those who possess the qualities we lack. This means that a man with pronounced masculine traits may be attracted to a woman with strong feminine traits, completing each other in a harmonious balance, and vice versa. Conversely, a man with more feminine traits may be drawn to a woman with stronger masculine traits, and a masculine woman may seek a man with softer, feminine traits.

The feminine energy thrives on intuition, emotion, connection, and flow. There is deep wisdom in this.

The masculine energy, on the other hand, thrives on structure, competition, discipline, and purpose. There is deep wisdom in this.

The masculine declines when it feels unneeded, useless, or valueless.

The feminine declines when it feels unappreciated, unloved, or unseen.

Understanding and appreciating this balance allows for deeper connections and a more harmonious existence.

[divinechaos-bw]

life goals

"you deserve a lover who takes away the lies and brings you hope, coffee, and poetry" 🖤

[divinechaos-bw]

expression

I love how this photo perfectly captures my essence, balancing between impression and expression. And in many ways that’s exactly who I am. But it doesn’t happen that often.

There’s usually a great discrepancy between how I feel inside and how I appear. This is not because I hide myself but simply because my inner world doesn’t easily manifest in tangible form.

Before this picture was taken, I pondered what I wanted to convey with my presence, who I wanted to be in this world. A tough question, for sure. I'm still figuring it out; I don't have a clear purpose, and it’s holding me back.

I've always felt I can only make a meaningful impact when I have a clear vision and definitive mission. But now I realize that simply allowing myself to express without needing it to be profound or logical is a form of creation in itself.

It's about taking these moments and bringing them into the tangible world, examining them with curiosity, and letting them exist as they are. Some will guide me forward, others will simply be. And that's okay, because in the end, I'm just me, and that's something to love. 🤍

[divinechaos-bw]

soulmates

A soulmate is not someone who completes you; it's someone who challenges you, someone who inspires you to see things in a different light, with different eyes.

Your soulmate is not a person from Hollywood movies; it's someone who shakes your world, challenges your belief system, smashes your ego, uncovers everything that’s holding you back, and distorts your reality.

Your soulmate is your perfect mirror; there's no hiding from yourself anymore. It's a person with the power to transform you, and the process begins almost immediately upon the collision of energies.

None of this is a conscious or intentional act; it’s karmic cleansing for both parties involved. That’s their role; they serve it, then they go.

Living with a soulmate forever? Nah, too painful. Soulmate is not someone you will spend your entire life with, but their effect on you will change the way you spend the rest of your life entirely.

[divinechaos-bw]

oblivion

I witness the dissipation of my dreams, thoughts, my creative ideas, my great aspirations, insights, remarks, even my intellect. All the parts of my conscious self slowly fading away. I feel the urge to cling to them, almost like an obsession, fighting for their life and unchangeable form.

They dissolve and evolve and I resist, afraid to let go. No matter how hard I try, with each passing moment a part of me disappears forever. I'm at peace with dying, with the decaying nature of my physical body and even my soul. But there's this deep longing for something permanent within me, something that can remain intact and lasting.

I'm searching for a sense of immortality, not in the sense of living forever, but in the sense of preserving different pieces of who I am independent from each other. It's like I'm on a quest to find at least one puzzle piece in the complex jigsaw of my persona that will persist through the eternal shifting and changing of it all.

I'm fighting against the natural flow of life, the essence of existence, torn between accepting the impermanence of every facet of my being and longing for something eternal within myself.

And how’s your day going?

[divinechaos-bw]

twilight

The most painful emotions - the ones that leave the deepest wounds - are often tied to things that seem senseless. I feel the ache of longing for what can never be attained, for reaching for nonexistence - as if my heart yearns for a thing I cannot name.

It’s the absurdity of desiring things that exist only in the fields of imagination. It's like longing for a past that never unfolded, feeling nostalgic for something that never happened. I’m grieving over the essence of ourselves, over the limitations and imperfections that surround us.

A painful landscape lives within me, colored by the most delicate nuances of my soul. I’m witnessing an eternal sunset of what we are—the twilight of unfulfilled dreams, unrealized possibilities, and the haunting shadows of regrets.

I’ve always carried a badge of poetic dreamer. My heart wrestles with the contradictions of existence while I find comfort in poetry. Words are my faithful friends, sparkling through my psyche like colorful glass particles within a kaleidoscope. When the right ones are articulated, a profound sense of accomplishment overwhelms me - everything seems to fall into place.

I reflect on my journey marked by a continual balance between holding on and letting go, where the only persistence lies in the margins of my notebooks.

[divinechaos-bw]

"I See You" is the fourth song on Missio’s 2019 album "The Darker The Weather // The Better The Man". In this song, the artists assure the listener that they can see the struggle they are going through and that they have their support, even if they feel unseen or unworthy. The group stated that this song "is for all of you who don’t feel seen, don’t feel heard, those who are addicted, those who are lonely, and those who struggle with anxiety & depression."

It's a song about deep levels of empathy and understanding of a fellow human being and acknowledgment of their emotional experience and struggles through full acceptance, non-judgmental support, and unconditional love.

Every line speaks magic, but personally, I feel deepest connection in shared solitude expressed through "I'm alone with you, you're alone with me". It's a paradoxical intimacy in a way that implies a sense of companionship in alienation.

Empathy is a beautiful gift and exactly what humanity needs, but true healing happens once we're ready to give it to ourselves...

[divinechaos-bw]

snoopy

relatable

[divinechaos-bw]

let go

[divinechaos-bw]

a black mile

"A Black Mile To The Surface" by American indie rock band Manchester Orchestra, as the title itself suggests, represents a journey from darkness to light.

The main themes of the album include personal and existential struggles.

Album cover art can be interpreted as a visual metaphor for the themes of introspection and the uncertainty of our journeys.

"The Silence"

[divinechaos-bw]

before sunrise

"So often in my life, I've been with people and shared beautiful moments like traveling or staying up all night and watching the sunrise, and I knew it was a special moment, but something was always wrong. I wished I'd been with someone else. I knew that what I was feeling - exactly what was so important to me - they didn't understand."

[divinechaos-bw]

absurd

This morning felt like a replay of countless others, just like yesterday, and the day before that, stretching back to 01/11/1989—my birthday–the date I’ve always eagerly awaited. This time around, I’m pondering its meaning. What significance does that date hold, beyond being a mere arrangement of numbers and the planet’s position against the Sun?

What am I really celebrating? The alignment of Earth with the sun at the same position it held when I came out of my mother’s womb? Why do we make such a fuss about it? Is there any tangible significance in matching the position of the stone beneath my feet with the celestial arrangement on the day I entered the world, or are we merely grasping at straws to find meaning in the vastness of the universe? When I put it that way, the absurdity overwhelms me.

I find myself contemplating all the things humans give meaning to and I get nauseous. I can't shake the feeling that all the rituals and distractions humans have invented are just ways to avoid facing our mortality and the inherent emptiness of existence. Sometimes I feel like I'm forgetting who I am, or rather, becoming aware that I never truly knew in the first place. It's like waking up from the constant frenziness we call consciousness. A wave of terror, disorientation, and hopelessness consumes me - when thinking about our natural habitat.

[divinechaos-bw]

free will

[divinechaos-bw]

life wishes us dead

Italian artist P54 paints about destiny and the challenges we all face in life. He tells stories about fighting time and the cards we're dealt. His work touches on the questions of free will and determinism and how much we can shape our own paths versus being bound to already written futures. The symbolism and storytelling he uses are born from his own hardships, perfectly channeled to make universal notes on the struggles of existence, highlighting the inevitable certainty of death.

"I'm not Scared" and "Something to Die For" are both great examples of P54’s ability to express the darker aspects of the human condition.

"Life wishes us dead" is his signature line; in an interview he said:

"As I always say, "Life wishes us dead". I often wonder if you can go against your own destiny. If a destiny exists, and I think so. Sometimes it seems that there is a road already defined for us and that it is impossible to leave it. I see people who have easy lives and others who have to fight for everything. I imagine fate to be a black hole that attracts us toward it. The swirl takes us, but we have to fight. I seek answers and obviously fight every day to create my own way. I like to paint this silent struggle between ourselves and the magnet that attracts us to our end."

[divinechaos-bw]

calm in chaos

Album cover for Being Funny in a Foreign Language by 1975.

The whole album deals with themes of vulnerability and personal growth with introspective reflections.

There's a sense of calm in chaos, the harmony between the two, wholeness despite duality, which is exactly what the tracks and this image represent.

"About You"

[divinechaos-bw]

time after time

allow yourself to remember in the silence of rain when stories hush over fields of forgotten dreams and earthy smell of wet ground briefly takes you home

allow yourself to remember in the presence of laughter where inhales meet exhales on that bittersweet border of everything that is and everything that hasn't become

allow yourself to remember when darkness pulls you close whispering night terrors whilst dawn holds back and starless skies make you wonder if the price came too high

allow yourself to remember as age and diamonds pile whenever destiny confirms that her grip allows no escape

allow yourself to remember me in moods of the heart sometimes

m