The Frog and The Well
Did you know the phrase “Two steps forward, one step back…” is an anecdote about a frog attempting to climb out of a water well? It seems every time the frog tries to move forward, that second step sends him backwards one. I’d like to think, that as the frog, I’d come to the brilliant conclusion that if I was slipping back one step for every two, why not simply slow down and take it one meticulous step at a time, always propelling forward and never back. Instead, I do the opposite. I move faster and faster, clinging to anything I can in hopes of gaining momentum. This inevitably causes a massive slide downwards, passing all the progress I’d made, and dumping me back at the very bottom of the well, cold, damp, exhausted and with only a glimmer of light at the top that seems so far out of reach.
This past fall I taught eight colleges classes, two weekly yoga classes, and worked an additional part-time job. It was exhausting but bills were getting paid, with a little extra money left over to have fun. However, as often happens, about the time I start thinking things are looking up, life gets in the way. This time it came in the form of insurance problems. My most recent position has blessed me with actual, legit insurance. I can’t say enough about how grateful I am for the ability to see a doctor I trust and to know I won’t be spending hours on the phone with a less than competent insurance plan, trying to make sure the bills gets paid. Shouldn’t this be a basic right as an American citizen after all? Apparently not.
Not only was I overjoyed to be receiving this fabulous new insurance plan, but it was also affordable at only $140 a month. When re-enrollment came around, I joyfully clicked the option to simply re-renew the same plan as 2017. No fuss, super easy! Then I got my first paycheck for 2018, which was incredibly smaller than before. There, under deductions, was almost three times as much being withdrawn from my gross pay. The HR department is always more than helpful, so I didn’t even hesitate to send a quick email asking them to look into it. Within hours they had and we were soon on the phone chatting. It was a good news, bad news situation. The bad news being a mistake had been made when I first started, listing me as full-time and thus giving me the full-time insurance pricing options. With re-enrollment, the mistake was caught, now listing me at half-time, causing my insurance to raise from $140 a month to almost $500. That was the very very very bad news. The good news was they weren’t asking me to pay anything for the mistake made in 2017. Well, when $500 is one third of your monthly paycheck, that kind of cost is catastrophic. Two steps forward, one back.
It’s times like these where my mind does a fabulous job reeking sabotage on my already fragile ego. I’m not sure about you, but when set-backs like this happen, I immediately punish myself mentally for allowing it. The nicest of thoughts tend to be things like: I should have been smarter. I should have caught the mistake myself. I should have seen this coming. But these soon transition into nastier, more ruthless thoughts such as: God is punishing you for all the things you know you did wrong. You should have never got divorced. See how horrible life is when you’re single and alone?
It’s such a quick downward spiral, and anyone who has suffered from depression or extreme anxiety knows how fast it can spin out of control. What makes matters worse is logically you get it but emotionally you can’t seem to make it click. This then causes you to blame yourself for not having better control over your emotions.
After lots of tears shed and phone calls with friends, I tried to finally get a grasp on the reality of the situation, sans emotions. I have insurance. I have good insurance. It’s expensive but with all the medical issues I seem to have, at least I know I have a plan that will make the end cost more affordable. It’s only a third of my pay which is a lot, yes, but it could be more. I can afford it on a temporary basis and figure out how to sustain it long-term. All of this is the reality, which is not bad at all. So, what then, was really causing my emotional turmoil?
That’s where those nasty little lies come into play. I’m always so willing to judge myself for getting divorced. So many people, after all, stay in loveless marriages simply because it is more comfortable. Choosing the opposite has been unbelievably difficult, especially with little job or financial security. It’s such an easy choice to then hold over my head when my life becomes more unstable.
The reality is, ashamedly, I always assumed I’d be married again by now. Or at least in a solid relationship. I never thought I’d stop working or even cut back. All the jobs I have are exhausting and pay one fifth of what they should. But I love them and am good at them. So, the plan was never to give them up once married or even to cut back. I just thought a romantic partner would be my safety net in terms of bills getting paid and not being alone when life prevents me with less than enjoyable news. Unfortunately, however, if I’m honest with myself, I’m so much farther from finding that person than the day I got divorced.
The positive of all of that is I’m growing a lot. I’m eating my proverbial vegetables, holding my nose and swallowing, trying to get myself used to the taste, knowing they are good for me. My friend keeps pointing out how I am making progress. It’s just not as fast as I’d like. I want to share my life with someone, but he’s so far out of reach I don’t even know which direction to start grabbing.
So, I must stop flailing about while trying to get to the top. Instead, I need to step back, re-evaluate, and move slowly, deliberately one step at a time so as to keep moving forward only. Because, for now, there is no frog to kiss that will turn into my prince. I’m the frog and I’ve got shit to do.