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You should take a little time to not be okay. Then, you can really be okay.

- My accidentally poignant sister

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Walking Away

One area of noted personal growth has been knowing when to walk away. Looking back over the last several years, this has been a major weakness. Too many times I’d ignore the little voice in my head telling me to walk away from a certain situation or even a person. At times, I even kept my mouth shut when I should have stood up for myself. These are some of my biggest regrets. Because by allowing myself to stay where I should not have been, I damaged myself, others, and lost a lot of precious time.

After my divorce and my time touring, I wanted to work on this. But old habits are hard to break. The only way to fix a flawed character trait is to practice what you preach in a sense. I’d tell my friends all the time to stand up for themselves or to remove themselves from harmful situations. Yet in my personal life, I couldn’t seem to take my own advice.

It seems the hardest things to work on are the ones where there aren’t actual steps involved. Especially in this area. It wasn’t going to be as simple as setting a rule and sticking to it. If I want to stop eating sugar, I don’t buy products possessing sugar and I say to myself, “No sugar.” There’s a clear-cut line in abiding by or breaking this rule. When it comes to not letting others mistreat me or take advantage, the lines get blurred. It’s often a slow process, sometimes intentional or unintentional. Usually, somewhere along the lines, a system or relationship breaks down and leads to this lack of respect. It’s not as easy to catch the problem before it begins.

This is when I get frustrated. Always having been a rule follower, I thrive when the line is clearly drawn in the sand. When it’s not, I tend to panic and take cover. Time and time again I continued to find myself ignoring that little voice. Looking back, once out of destructive situations, I would beat myself up for ending right back where I started. “Why couldn’t I see that coming? Why didn’t I leave sooner? Why didn’t I say something?”

But this past week, I noticed progress, when reflecting on a couple of current situations. A casual friend had taken advantage of a few scenarios we’d been in and even got caught in a lie. My eyes were immediately open and I found myself letting this person know we could no longer move forward with our friendship. I ended it cold turkey and have yet to go back. It’s not even a struggle…which reminds me the “bad” is a lot easier to walk away from when we put our mind to it. Without time spent in that situation, I was able to invest more energy into good, strong friendships and found myself far more fulfilled than I had been in the one I’d just ended.

Additionally, I’ve noticed progress in dating relationships. Normally I’d tend to hold on to someone in hopes that feelings might grow or in an effort to avoid loneliness. But instead, I’ve recently been walking away without guilt or fear. Several one-time dates were left as just that-no long explanation or apology given. When a few guys demonstrated disrespect or rudeness, I stood up for myself and bid them a kind, but direct, farewell. Even someone I’d gone out with several times who I wanted to like but saw too many red flags, was sent packing. In the latter situation, I’d normally have given him “one more chance” or made excuses for why he may be acting the way he was. But time was up and I’d rather sit alone on a Saturday night than spend my time with someone I wasn’t meant to be with.

I don’t know when or how the light switched on. If I did, I’d throw out the easy five-step plan for other rule-followers like myself. Despite not knowing, I’m grateful for the progress and chalk it up to overall growth and maturity. Yet I’m also not discounting the impact of honest, supportive, strong friends and family. I now have people who hold me accountable and who remind me to be kind to myself as well. What a difference that makes.