July 25, 2016
It is really hard to detach yourself from an ex. We've been friends for YEARS, finally said fuck it and I accepted his relationship offer. We were together a month or so, broke up, remained friends, messed around and now I'm the one feeling shitty. I always wonder if he thinks about me, if he hears a song and it takes him back to when we were together. I want to know how he feels when he hears my name, if his mood changes one single bit, if he smiles or if his heart races. I hate hearing his name because the blood rushes to my face, my palms get sweaty, I get nervous and try not to smile. I absolutely loathe it! As I'm writing this my heart is skipping along, enjoying the butterflies dancing in my stomach. *UGH* I seen something on his FB timeline posted by another "friend" (his friend the despises me) and in the comments she mentioned something about messing around with basic ass bitches and how the "last one" was "gross". I want to know if I was the last one since the time we messed around was a few weeks ago and it didn't have the greatest outcome for either of us. He commented back "I don't know what I was thinking" ...he was in a "FWB" thing he tried explaining to me and she was upset to hear about us hanging out. I don't understand. She home wrecked "us". I mean I full heartedly blame him for everything although when I broke up with him, I blamed myself. This last time we "hung out", while he was running his fingers through my hair, eyes on me as I laid my head in his lap and watched him smile down at me he said, "there was never anything wrong with you, it was me." Which of course made me feel even worse about myself for some odd reason and I got up to kiss him. We had fun, I ended up liking him even more, feeling like there was a chance we could spark this whole thing up again but after the first day we stopped talking. I should technically say he stopped replying to my messages. :( I feel sick, heartbroken to say the least. I was feeling lost. I couldn't tell if it was the heartbreak, the feeling to rebel or my seasonal depression getting the best of me. Maybe I was just ready for a change? I quit my job, became a complete hermit and stopped talking to everybody. I didn't shower for a few days, didn't care about my appearance, let everything around me fall to pieces and the thing is I don't know why. I had a VERY well paying job, some coworkers I could stand and a lot of things going for me. I threw it all away and for what? I felt revitalized , I challenged my old boss and won. I got offered a new job doing something I love and started immediately but now I find myself laying here at 1:30 am; WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHY AM I IN THIS MESS RIGHT NOW? I creeped on his FB, hence why I started this. I creeped on it after my family had left and I was sitting outside when a song came on that made me think of him. I figured "why the hell not? Maybe he has a cute status or picture I can like as of late." Nope, boy was I wrong. To see that shit on his timeline, right at the top just made my heart sink. Seriously could feel the tears welling up, my chest felt like a ton of bricks sitting on it. I couldn't do anything, ask who they were talking about although I wanted to comment FUCK YOU, SKANK ASS WHORE. considering his friend is one to talk. Which I've been trying to take the higher road and I've been doing good the past few years but I still can't stop my mind from thinking such things. Although I try, there are just those things that can't help but shed some light. I need a drink. I also need a friend but of course, I have nothing to offer. I keep my circle so small even I'm suffocating.
