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we're not kids anymore.
Not today Justin
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Jules of Nature
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@djinnantonic
Do not resuscitate
DM: the drow priestess begins reading off of a scroll as the guards place you on the altar Me (skeleton gunslinger): can I make an arcana check to see what the scroll is *rolls 20* DM: it's a scroll of Ressurection Me: *eyes widen* Wait. What! I don't... but what... shit...
A Question of Scale
Me: So how many couches is Demogorgon worth
Guys I need someone to tie these knives to my wrist stumps
-Skeleton Gunslinger whose hands were confiscated (via outofcontextdnd)
Like a leaf on the wind
Phil: Ok I'll throw Roger on my shield so he won't land in the webbing (Rolls a 1) Cody: So you clip your arm against the edge of the wall and send the shield tumbling end over end Me: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
My (lack of) hands are tied
Me: Okay, so I still don't have hands but could I lash knives to my arm bones? Cody: How exactly do you plan on tying the knots? Me: oh.... I could try using my teeth (rolls poorly) GUYS CAN SOMEONE TIE SOME KNIVES TO THESE OLD BONES
Hand it over
Drow Guard: Give me those Me: But they're my HANDS I only got the two DG: Now you've got zero, give them here Me: Ok but promise to take good care of them, I'm a tinker by trade these hands are my lifesblood... [beat] ....marrow lifesmarrow
Inquiring minds must know
Drow Guard: Shut your mouth or I'll kill you like your friends Me (a skeleton): Are you sure you can DG: I'm sure we can work something out Me: Because I personally don't know how you could do it, I don't even really know why I not already dead
Make a wish
Ben: as soon as we get out of this I'm going to break your other leg Me: Wait, I was going to break his legs. Ben: Well, he already broke one falling out of a window when I told him not to so I'm gonna break the other to teach him obedience Me: That sounds reasonable, do you mind if I break his arms Philip: I mind! Me: That's a personal problem. Ooh we could do like a wishbone and split him down the middle Ben: Ha that's what we'll do Me: It'll be romantic, we'll go on a long walk and as the sun sets I'll turn to you and say make a wish. Then we bisect him Several Minutes Later Ben: Hey don't you have a tail? Philip: Yeah why Me: Broken Ben: Nods in agreement
A running joke
Cody: as you come to you see a giant cobbled together from several corpses, it's fighting your allies and they seem to be having a hard time. What does Sir Loin do? [everyone] we need you! Just in time! Charge and gore! Me: Well Cody, there's only one thing I CAN do at a time like this. I CHARGE AND GORE!! I got an extra attack now so I gore twice and use two of my second level divine smites *rolls* 56 damage and about 40 is radiant and I'm sure that he doesn't like that Ben: ... Did you just one shot this giant monster all seven of us couldn't beat together Cody: He kinda did Me: I don't get what the big deal was, did you guys even try goring it?
Basically the same thing
Shaun: hey I get exp for that goblin village I killed by myself right Ben: if you get exp for that I get exp for all those kids I killed
A Minor Faux Pas
Cody: You hear Blacksheath calling for the butler from the foyer Me: I charge and gore! [entire table gets quiet] Me: 15 to hit, I assume that connects Cody: Yeah that hits Me: Perfect, I'll burn a second level smite *rolls* 23 damage Cody: As he bleeds out from being gored you feel your connection to the gods become tarnished [beat] Me: Huh, guess that was the wrong guy. Awkward. [beat] Me: So what are you guys up to
Traditional Features
Cody: So you follow the demon wolf monster down the hall and come across a long staircase leading underneath the house. Me: Wait, is this weird? Is this a common thing around here? Cody: Well basements are, demon wolves are not so much Me: Hey, I didn't know. Rich people are weird like that
Civil War: Part 2
Josh: I'm going to cast fireball right in the middle of everyone Me: Wait, that means you're going to hit Aribella! Josh: Yeah that's the plan Me: You bastard (to the DM) is there any way I could protect her Cody: Tell you what, she can take quarter damage, but you'll have to take the full amount of her damage in addition to your own [beat] Me: Deal, I die with honor to protect this chick
Civil War: Part 2
Josh: I'm going to cast fireball right in the middle of everyone Me: Wait, that means you're going to hit Aribella! Josh: Yeah that's the plan Me: You bastard (to the DM) is there any way I could protect her Cody: Tell you what, she can take quarter damage, but you'll have to take the full amount of her damage in addition to your own [beat] Me: Deal, I die with honor to protect this chick
(Lawful) Good men are hard to find
Cody: Ok the dragon statues begin exuding a glowing golden light that spreads through the dungeon... And can everyone whose Good aligned raise their hand *only I raise my hand* Me: wow, is no one else good at all. Shaco: well I'm evil
Civil War, Part 2
Philip: Ok, Ok I surrender! Just don’t kill me Me: Good man, now sit down on your hands and I’ll deal with you after we take care of the sorcerer Philip: But Shaco is going to kill me Me: Well that sounds like a personal problem to me
Civil War, Part 1
Josh: I lock eyes with Mohzyrt and snap my rats neck [beat] Me: I cast conjure animal to drop a goddamn plesiosaur on him. You shouldn't have killed that rat
