deceivingirl

[documentationofrehabilation]

[ivegot2questions]

No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you No one is coming to save you………

[documentationofrehabilation]

[documentationofrehabilation]

[documentationofrehabilation]

[documentationofrehabilation]

[documentationofrehabilation]

[documentationofrehabilation]

[snailana-deactivated20240119]

I started my christmas off by pondering my “mommy issues”. Just writing about how I felt towards her growing up and wondering why there are still remnants of that at 30 years old. Specifically, why I over personalize and at times, infantilize her. I started by talking about my childhood and how her absence affected me, but more importantly, the idolization and love I felt toward her despite circumstances facilitating resentment and even hatred. By the end of the writing, I was talking about her childhood and how she must have felt with her own circumstances. I was explaining her decisions and why she made them and I worried it would appear as though I was making excuses for her and that was frustrating me. I don’t excuse her actions, I understand them. I understood them as a child far too young to be dealing with those things, and I understand them even more as an adult who has lived a very similar life to her at this point.

While trying to explain that sense of understanding, I realized something. The way I feel toward her is almost maternal. I show her the love I needed to be shown as a child and the love she deserved to be shown as well. I view her through the lens of a mother. I was aware I did this with other people. I deeply struggle with hearing stories of people I love being abused and feeling unloved as children and desperately wishing I could go back in time and be the mother they deserved and I tend to fill that role for them in current life. It’s created a lot of unhealthy dynamics and I’m sure there’s a deeper psychological “problem” with feeling that way, but I’m less interested in that today and more interested in finally making that connection with my own mother. It’s strange realizing I feel maternal toward her, but it’s not so strange when I acknowledge that I feel that way for everyone I love. It only makes sense she would be included especially with her most likely being the root of it all.

Overall, an odd start to Christmas, but the realization has already made it a satisfying one. I’ll probably look into it all a bit later. Right now, I’m going to enjoy this sense of progress and enjoy some much desired alone time.

[documentationofrehabilation]

[documentationofrehabilation]

[killi3]