Tumbleweeds

Tentative steps into the terrifying abyss of Tumblr by luddite @The_Doc_Webb. Short fiction, true stories about my kid, funny pictures, and other miscellany.

[docwebb]

You’re Welcome (Garmund Edition)

I see what's happening here You're face to face with greatness, and it's odd You don't even know how you feel -- Understandable! Try to remember I’m a dwarf and not a god

Open your eyes, let's begin Yes, it's really me, it's Garmund! Clan Grettin!

I know it's a lot -- the beard! the brawn! When you're staring at a paragon!

What can I say except You're welcome For the songs that save the day Hey, it's okay, it's okay, You're welcome It is all right to feel blown away

Hey! What has two thumbs and stood on guard Against the horrors in that graveyard? This bard!

When the night was dark Who tamed the worm under the sand? It was me! How grand!

Oh, also I ransomed that baby (You're welcome!) To stop goblins and bring peace (Maybe?)

Also, don’t all make a fuss -- You're welcome! -- I threw Reva in a furnace.

So what can I say except you're welcome For the abominations I shot from the sky There's no need to pray, it's okay You're welcome! Ha, I guess I’m just a pretty helpful guy You're welcome! You're welcome!

Honestly, I really just aim to please But I am to thank for all of our victories The priest, the bridge, all of these And the Band Wagon smashing into the trees!

I killed a dragon I pulled off its skin Made into a drum just to help you to win! So I am the hero! I always save the day! (Who remembers that thing with the mirror anyway?)

And the harmony that I let fly Makes me easy for you to deify Make all the bad guys die? Make you new armor to try? And that one time in Brehalo I fucked a married guy!

Well, anyway, let me say you're welcome There’s need for any commotion. Hey, it's okay, it's okay You're welcome! Nobody else was gonna drink that potion!

This song is my way to say you're welcome 'Cause I couldn’t do it without friends On my drums today I’ll play You're welcome! 'Cause Garmund needs an audience

You're welcome! You're welcome!

AND THANK YOU!

Badly sung version here: 

https://youtu.be/JxcalkNG3x0

[docwebb]

Baby Got Beard

By Elune, Tyrande, look at her beard. It is so long. She looks like one of those dwarf guys' girlfriends. But, you know, who understands those dwarf guys? They only talk to her because she looks just like a man. I mean, her beard, it's just so... long! It's just so full and curly. Gross! Look, she's just so... dwarven!

I like big beards and I cannot lie You other dwarves can't deny When a dwarf walks in with a solid waist And a furry thing on her face You get sprung, Wanna pull up ta You noticed that beard was tucked Into the belt she's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring.

Ooo, baby, I wanna get at you And carve your statue.

My human friends say you're no fun But that beard you got makes my sword +1

Ooo, look at that hairy chin, You say you wanna get in my bin? Well, invite me, invite me, 'Cause you ain't that average P. U. G.

I've seen her dancin' To hell with romancin' 'Cause she's hairy, merry, Got more encumbrance than I can carry

I'm tired of elven queens Saying smooth chins are the thing Take the average dwarf and you ask him that She gotta wear much hair

So dwarves (aye) dwarves (aye) Does your girlfriend got the beard? (Aye!) Tell her to braid it (braid it!) Braid it (braid it!) Braid that healthy beard.

Baby got beard

(Wildhammer face with the Ironforge beardline)

I like 'em full and large And when I'm down in the forge I just can't help myself, I'm acting like a horny goat Now here's my emote: /em wanna get you home and [CLANK] Double up [CLANK CLANK]

I ain't talkin' 'bout Stormwind 'Cause hairless chins belong on kids

I want 'em real thick and curly So find that curly stubble Garmund Grennig's in trouble Beggin' for a piece of that rubble

So I'm lookin' at tapestries Baby-faced elflings tall as trees You can have them elflings I'll keep my women like Glamdring

A word to the hairy stone sistas I wanna get wit ya Won't curse or hit ya But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna [CLANK] 'til the break of dawn Baby got it goin' on A lotta gnomes won't like this song 'Cause those punks like to hit it and quit it And I'd rather stay and play

'Cause I'm short and I'm stout And I'm down to put your forge fires out

So lassies (aye!) lassies (aye!) If you wanna ride my ram Gladys Turn around, fluff it out, Even humans got to shout

Baby got beard

[Spoken] When it comes to females, Charisma ain't got nothin' to do with my selection A Stonesense bonus of +6? Only if she's level three!

So your girlfriend's from Feathermoon Sending prayers on up to Elune But Elune ain't got a shadow on the face of her moon!

My dwarvencraft hammer don't want none Unless you got beard, hon. You can grow sideburns or a fringe But please don't shave that chin.

Some fellas act like a kobold And tell ya that the beard ain't gold So they shave it, and they leave it, And I roll up quick to retrieve it.

So the height/weight table says you'e fat? Well, I ain't down with that 'Cause your Size is Small but your beard is kickin' And I'm thinkin' bout stickin

To the succubi dames in the nether realms, You ain't it, Miss Thang! I need a sister I can't resist her As long as wax and razor have missed her

Some Dark Iron tried to diss 'Cause his girls are on my list He had game but he chose to quit 'em So I rolled up quick to crit-hit him.

So lassies, if your beard is full And you want a +3 longpole Dial 1-900-GARMUND And I'll forge you something up

Baby got beard

[docwebb]

An Ode to the Dragon Delilah

Hey there Delilah Up there in your ruined city I know we let you go But you’re up to something shitty Yes you are You’ve come from realms afar Way past Teghar

Hey there Delilah Now I’m worried ‘bout the distance That your friends will cross to get here And they’ll come at your insistence To invade Deregal will be covered by their shade I’m so dismayed

Oh, it’s what you’ll do to me And all of humanity Oh, our future looks beastly You’ll kill everyone slowly Except those who let you be

Hey there Delilah We destroyed the rune you made here But that was just one portal And the eclipse comes every damn year Ain’t that odd? I fear our clemency was flawed Now you’re safe in Skraud.

So when the moon is right You’ll return to do your worst But that’s okay because I know My friends will be ready for you first So beware We’re champions beyond compare With a spider bear

Oh, it’s what you’ll do to me And all of humanity Oh, our future looks beastly You’ll kill everyone slowly Unless we stop you hastily

A planar portal seems so far Until the alignment of the stars We will kill you if there is no other way And though you may just laugh at me You’ll hear me play heroically ’Cause no one’s ever fought you like we will. And if because we didn’t stop you You’re able to let your dragons through The world will never ever be the same And we’ll be to blame

Hey there Delilah You stay in Skraud and don’t you return Because there’s a lot of places That I sure don’t want to see burn Like dragons do We’ll know it's all because of you We’ll stop you if we die trying to Hey there, Delilah, here's to you We’ll come for you

Oh, it’s what you’ll do to me And all of humanity Oh, our future looks beastly You’ll kill everyone slowly Unless we stop you hastily (Just wait and see)

[docwebb]

It had been a good day. The Band Wagon’s maiden voyage had been pitch-perfect – the steam engine had thrummed along without a hitch, despite the sand and grit of the desert, and the on-board pipe engine had performed hauntingly (despite the less than dulcet singing contributions of the tow-headed boy). Garmund looked lovingly at the chrome pipes gleaming in the moonlight as he sat atop a crumbling stone nearby, admiring his handiwork in the rapidly cooling desert air.

He sighed, pulling the collar of his duster closer around his neck and nestling his face down into the curly braided warmth of his beard as the chill settled on him. His eyes flicked from the wagon to the slumbering forms around the campfire. He had cheerfully volunteered to take the first watch this evening, although, in all truth, that was simply so that he could sleep through the remainder of the night undisturbed. One needs one’s beauty rest, after all, even out here in the desert. He frowned down at the dry, fraying ends of his beard and dug into one of his coat’s many pockets for a tin of scented balm. ESPECIALLY out here.

After he had massaged some life and luster back into his braided copper hair, he settled back again against the stone and set about scanning the horizon, but the night was clear, the moon was bright, and there was neither sight nor sound of any hostile presence. His mind drifted eagerly back to the melody he had begun piecing together earlier that day during their ride, and, sparing the empty desert around him another quick glance, he reached for the drums – never more than an arms-length away – that he had placed by his feet and pulled them into his lap, fingers tracing lovingly over the scrimshawed dragonbone bands, the engraved shell, and the taught skin, expertly stretched and tanned generations ago from a wing membrane of his people’s ancient foes.

A tap, gentle and playful, awakened the drums, and Garmund grinned as he found the new tune again. It came softly at first, then gradually louder as his enthusiasm warmed with the skins and his focus narrowed to just the notes in his fingers. It seemed that the whole world was in resonance with his playing, the rock upon which he sat vibrating along with his rhythm.

Too late, he realized that it was not merely a harmony of his own creation as a rumbling drowned out his drums. He scrabbled to his feet and called to his companions. “D'hrarak dwhe,” in the language of his people, and then, “To arms, my friends! There is danger below!”

He had time for nothing further, as the sand furrowed and caved around and beneath him, and an enormous serpentine form burst from the desert, its stony hide tossing Garmund and the rocks on which he had perched into the air like dishes on a flapped tablecloth. He clutched desperately at the edges of his cloak, and the spell woven into its velvet flared to life and furled out around him like wings, keeping him aloft. As he drew his castor rifle from its sling across his lower back and sighted down at the immense worm barreling towards their campsite, he sighed again.

So much for his beauty sleep…