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@doesthesadnessend
Sometimes at night I wonder how many times people can hurt me until I’m broken beyond repair, until I am so shattered that I can’t even see myself. I wonder when I’ll get to the point where the pain doesn’t even register anymore. You used to tell me that it would never happen because you would be there to help me through the hurt but I’m f a l l i n g and you aren’t here to catch me this time.
And sometimes all you can do is try to move past the hurt. To move past of pain of knowing that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard I try, that I will never be good enough for someone to commit themselves to. And it just breaks my heart sometimes.
I don’t know why everything hurts so goddamn much. I just need a break from the pain, from the heartbreak. I keep thinking that maybe if I didn’t feel so much grief in my bones then you would have stayed but then I realized that before you left I didn’t have much grief at all. And I don’t know if that makes me want to cry or scream my lungs out.
When I walked in on you and her it was like something broke inside of me. You desperately tried to explain and excuses after excuses slipped out and you tell me that she meant nothing to you and that you only love me and I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that you gave up everything we had together for someone who didn’t even mean anything or the fact that she is not the first. But she is most definitely the last because I cannot go through this pain again and it hurts to let you go but I barely have any love left and I refuse to waste it on you.
Before us happened, before you and me, I loved kaleidoscopes. I thought they were symbolic. I marveled at how a bunch of broken pieces of plastic could create something so beautiful. I thought that if I ever ended up broken that I would be a human kaleidoscope, that I would shine through the hurt. I was wrong. Because you up and left and it shattered me and I wasn’t beautiful like I hoped. I was just left a hollow shadow of myself. There was nothing awe-inspiring about me sobbing over you on my bathroom floor at 10 pm. My broken pieces were never going to be good enough to make a dazzling kaleidoscope at all.
And I don’t think I would be able to handle it if you just simply fell out of love with me. That would be my breaking point. If out of nowhere you just decided that you didn’t love me anymore. That I suddenly wasn’t good enough. I think I could handle if you fell in love with someone else because then at least I would have known I meant something. I mean if that happened she would have obviously meant more but at least then there would have been a reason you left. But you just left me with no reasoning at all. And all I can do is wonder where I went wrong.
I don’t know if I fell in love with you or if fell in love with the idea of love. When we were still together I would have said I fell in love with you but now that you’ve abandoned me I’m not sure. Now I just hope that I fell in love with the idea of love because it has only been a few days and I am the opposite of okay. Because you just decided to end it, end us, one morning out of nowhere. And if I really was in love with you then I just lost one of the most important things in my life. My heart is already damaged enough and I don’t think I can handle that.
They say that pain fades over time, that the heartache stops aching after a while. But I don’t think that true. Because it still hurts so god damn much just to even think about you. And it’s been a while and I still hurt. Please I just want it to s t o p.
And I keep turing over the possibilities and the “what if’s” in my head as if that would changed what has already happened. Because I cannot figure out what I did wrong. Was it something I said or how I acted? It has to be my fault because what other reason is there? We had something and you just left. And that was really hurt.
All of that “time heals pain” is just such bullshit. Time didn’t make me stop hurting after you left. When I finally stopped crying over you it wasn’t because time soothed my soul. It’s because I worked hard to put my wrecked heart back together. Time didn’t mend anything. I f u c k i n g did.
I’ve always had a thing for sad music. I love listening to songs about heartbreak and unrequited love. But the truth is, even though I loved it, I wasn’t really able understand it. Until you. Because something inside of me just shattered when you left. And that is when I finally understood what all of my favorite songs meant when they talked about heartache.
And you were there for me. At least I thought you were. Even though my best friend, your ex-girlfriend, was telling me you would leave, that you would end us for no reason at all. I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe my own best friend-I mean what kind of person does that make me? I wanted so badly for you to really care about me that I threw my best friends opinion to the side. And when you finally did end us I was heartbroken. I believed in us, in you, and you shattered that. And when the dust settled, she was right. You left me for no reason at all except that I wasn’t good enough. And when I told her what had happened she took no joy in being right. Because I think, secretly, she was hoping that she was wrong.
I was thoroughly convinced that you were my person. Because everyone has one right? Y’know, that one person who will always be there for you? The person you can text whenever and even if they’re busy they’ll answer? I thought you were my person, I really did. But then you ended us. Out of the blue, you just decided I wasn’t good enough. And even though I wanted to curse you out, to pretend that I didn’t fall in love with you, I couldn’t. Because I think that you were my person-at least for a little while-and I am crushed. Because you might have been my person, but I was never yours.
I think the worst part, looking back on us, was that I was never the one you went to when all of your problems were too much for you to handle. And I just wish. I wish I got the chance to help. To get the chance to show you that, even for a little while, I could help you bear the burden of carrying your problems. And I wish I could stop dwelling on it but I can’t. Because maybe, just maybe, if you had come to me, if would you had trusted me with the weight of your problems. Maybe you wouldn’t have left. Maybe you would have changed your mind and would have believed I was worth it. That loving me was worth the struggle. But I guess I’ll never know. Because you didn’t believe in me enough.
I mean did you ever really like me or was it just a new experience for you. Was I just your rebound girl? Was I just some experiment? Someone who you played with until you got bored of me? I don’t want to think the worst of you, but why did you even say yes to me if you were just going to break it off a few months later? You held my heart over my head until I was on my tiptoes just trying to reach it. And then with no warning you just dropped it. You let go and I don’t think you even realize the damage you did dragging me along. And that is what hurts-the fact that you didn’t pay enough attention to know that I was hurt, that i was on the edge of breaking.
You ended it. You broke it off and decided I wasn’t good enough. And I get it, I do. Everyone leaves me eventually. And I thought I was done. That I was over you. But then I see you with the girl. The same girl that you used to have a crush on before you got with me. And my whole world splinters. Because even after all this time I still held out a small slither of hope that you would come back. That you would decide you made a mistake and that I was worth the effort of loving. And that hope is what killed me in the end.
I was ready. I was prepared for the worst when I had told you I liked you. I was prepared for the disappointment and the “I just see you as a friend” or the “I like someone else.” What I wasn’t prepare for, though, was the “I like you too.” I was so convinced you would reject me that I was ecstatic when you said yes. Because I doubted you, it made the yes fifty times better then if I already expected it. But then. Then you left. You decided I was better off your friend. And something inside me, it just crumbled. Because, sure, rejection is bad. But I never thought heartbreak would hurt this much.