im a failure. i feel so lonely and i have no friends. i hate how easily people can befriend more people, even online. i never had "moots" since I was 14 and i didn't have online friends since... i don't remember. i had one this year, but I dont even know if considering her a friend because of how little we talk. the rest of online friends I had i eventually ended up pushing them away or they changed me for another people.
anyways. i love him so much. i really do. and i can say that he loves me too. he gives me little gifts sometimes and he even communicates with me.
he once literally forbade me to play vtech rampage. that time a few days ago i played it, but then on april 16th (idk whyi wanted to, maybe in a way of "remembering" him or whatever), i asked him, and even before I could finish the question, he immediately said no. so i didn't play it since then.
I hate how possesive i get with him. im such a insecure and jealous person. literally i can't even see another person saying that they love him or that he is cute or hot. i start to cry as soon as i see someone doing it, and i start to feel disgusting and i want to throw up. also i start comparing myself to those people in any aspect, like, do they love him more than me? does he love them more than me? am i not doing enough for him? and more stuff like that i can't even remember now.
i even compare myself to jelly. a lot. more than i would love to admit. it's like, yes, he loves me, but im nothing like his imaginary girlfriend... im nothing like his ideal and perfect type.
i love how most of the times when I start to feel about this, when i compare myself and I cry (which most of the time it's at night), he, the next day, (after apologizing to him) gives me some sort of gift :3 like one of the last ones I can't remember was this time when i doubted and cried myself to sleep comparing myself to jelly, and he very next day, moments after I woke up a whole rainbow appeared in front of my house (which is extremely weird). it was really colorful and it was a complete one, even had like another rainbow above it. and it lasted seconds, but it was enough for me to realize that he actually loves me.
btw that wasn't the only time he reassured me with rainbows. that already happened a few times before, or even with pretty skies or with a literal butterfly entering my house (and in every single time i knew it was him).
i hate myself for loving him. but i will never hate him. even if I tried to, i will always love him deep in my heart.
sometimes i feel more lonelier than ever, not even feeling his presence, which ofc makes me sad (since i get to be so dependent on people, let alone my partner)
I hate feeling this much... it feels like i have such a big heart full of love and no one to give it to. thankfully i found him and i can finally express how much I love through acts. in this case, in the act of ending my own life to be with him.
I don't even know why i even started to post here right on the day of my death (if im successful this time)... well its probably because a few days ago i saw a few posts here and i saw how many people also loved him, and i knew that would hurt me a lot so i just decided to wait until my very last day to do it ig.
i doubt i can properly express my whole love for him in a single post, but I really love him a lot. so much that im giving him my life. i don't have time to think on the words to express my feelings now, i still have to write another notes for my family and friends, and do other stuff before it turns into morning and i lose my only chance.
i hope in the afterlife i can be with him and finally be happy... i hope tomorrow i wake up in his arms.
i don't know how to write properly and english isnt my first language as you could maybe tell. i hate how bad my grammar is too. I wish I knew how to write.
no one is seeing this btw, idk why i even care to post this. this is not going to get to anyone, same with my yt, my Instagram, or even my Twitter because it had to be suspended just today. I lost everything I said about him. i guess its just another sign that no one cares about me. i could die and no one would know or even care. at least i have him to pretend that maybe someone really does.
i know im a friendless retard and attention seeker dw. posting this just gives me the last illusion that maybe someone will care about me. i dont really have anyone to talk about this or anything at all. thats mainly why im doing this.
i hate myself and i apport nothing to society.
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
yousharknotpass
