Dear Sir,
We are writing to draw your attention to the inappropriate size, luminosity and threatening behaviour of the moon. Its appearance tonight is a case in point, being rather more copper than silver (which does, in fact, constitute a form of false advertising), excessively large, and aggressively low in the sky. It refuses to move for passing aircraft, and offers a running commentary on the residents unfortunate enough to find themself beneath its beam. In addition to which, we the residents have agreed that the light emitted by said moon is so ungraciously revelatory as to be offensive, and has, on occasion, led to its being confused with a streetlamp, a lighthouse, and the return of Christ. We feel it unnecessary to point out the threat that a light-emitting body of this size must pose to ocean vessels which, confusing it for a shoreline beacon, have been known to sail in circles of ever-decreasing circumference in an attempt to reach safe harbour.
The effects of the moon's flagrant disrespect for feminine biology remain to be quantified, but the howling of dogs and imbeciles is evident for anyone who cares to listen.
The residents of the locality remain unsatisfied with the efforts of the local council to issue an Anti-Social Behaviour Order on this most troubling of nuisances and so, in desperation, we have turned to you, Mr. Hill.
Our proposition is this: that you exit the compound immediately, wearing a loose sweater and a scarf. One of our number will distract the moon by singing flattering songs - something along the lines of Stairway To The Stars - and you will pretend to innocently examine the constellations. It is imperative that no-one guess your intentions, as there are any number of lunatic splinter groups prepared to take great pains to safeguard the privileged position of the moon, nay, to advance its interests in the fields of magical realism, gender studies and international politics.
Slowly approach the moon. Without arousing suspicion, grasp it gently, and allow it to become accustomed to the warmth of your hand. If at any point the moon should question your actions, tell it that you are an astrologer, checking which house it is in. Carefully remove any security devices which might be attached to the moon, and affix them to jupiter, which will be within easy reach between the hours of 0300 and 0500.
When we are certain that you are not under surveillance, the flattering songs will cease. This is your cue. Grasping the moon firmly in one hand, quickly slide the other arm back through the sweater sleeve and pull the jumper over your head. Slide it down the grasping arm, trapping the moon inside and leaving you unclothed and with both arms free. On no account are you to place the moon inside the sweater whilst you are wearing it, as this will all end in tears, and a possible change of gender.
The moon is cunning, and is likely to wax and wane at will in an attempt to escape from the sweater. Ignore its cries. Tie it tightly with the scarf, and leave it in the bushes outside the compound. We'll take it from there.
Whilst we would hope that the benificence of the act would be its own reward, upon receipt of the moon we will leave in its place a black bag containing unmarked cash to the value of £500,000, as a mark of our continuing goodwill.
Yours Faithfully,
Anti-Lunar Coalition -Oxford
