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I am a 21 year old girl.

[doomzday]

this is an old blog i created like a year and a half ago to use when i was getting out of an abusive relationship and was scared to write what i felt on my actual blog. So to anyone who looks at my blog just for my music/doesn’t have tumblr/any old link that have lead here....ii changed my URL to:

ADULTBOOK.TUMBLR.COM

ADULTBOOK.TUMBLR.COM

ADULTBOOK.TUMBLR.COM

[doomzday]

It all feels like a secret though, and I don't like that. Why does it have to be that way? I don't know. I'm crazy

[doomzday]

I don't feel sad anymore. I actually want to get away from you again. That infatuation was very short lived and i know it was fueled by jealousy. I'm a stupid little girl. Oh well. But I can't tell if I'm just distracted right now. I have a crush on this girl. We've been kissing alot, she's so cute, nice and innocent. aw. I really like kissing her but I feel so fucking weird after like there's something wrong with me, or like I am doing something wrong. I know it's not wrong but I care a lot about what people think about me I guess and it scares me. It's really overwhelming. But I can deal with it. It's just strange. My thoughts feel weird. I just have never kissed a girl like this before or actually pursued it and continued to do it. It's nice. I think we're a lot alike and it's cool to be able to kiss someone but also talk a lot. Unlike my ex who is boring as fuck and has nothing to say about anything ever..

[doomzday]

i'm gonna go buy some cigarettes and go to work. I don't really like work but i do like money and i like who i work with. I really like attention from boys. Whenever i get off work though, I just feel really shitty and nervous. I look at my phone and it makes me sad that you aren't calling me. I feel like you do not care about me and i am the last thing on your mind. I don't want to call you, i want to be wanted. I'm always the one who drives/calls/etc. fuck

[doomzday]

i'm not sad today. I'm actually pretty happy because tomorrow i get to see a bunch of my favorite bands.

[doomzday]

One day i will do it and i won't have to suffer anymore

[doomzday]

I wish I was in IV this weekend so i could've died instead of someone else.

[doomzday]

all i have been thinking about is death lately.

[doomzday]

it's so hard for me to be happy when your in my life and i fucking hate you

[doomzday]

i want to kill myself and i think about it all the time. i was happy for a month. i want to die. i don't hate everything, but the things that makes me sad are really overwhelming. I hate my emotions. I wish i could remove them. i'm really depressed right now.

[doomzday]

man work is gonna be awkward as fuck

[doomzday]

haha what the fuck did i do last night

[doomzday]

I'm extemely tired and for some reason I like the way it feels right now.

I'll stand in the rain in the dark as long as it's warm.

The track will repeat the words over and over til it loses meaning

All I am listening to is mumbled noises

The buzz of silence is flooding my room.

This morning I couldn't stop crying and there was a lump in my throat for 3 hours.

By the end of the day I feel like nothing happened

It's raining again.

[doomzday]

I did it. I did it. I did it. I felt really great and really free. I started crying and was happy and right after i broke up with him it started to pour rain heavily out of nowhere. I got in my car and Lua started playing. It felt like 100000 pounds was lifted off my shoulders. I felt fucking amazing. It was the best feeling i have ever felt, everything was right for once. He fucking sent me that he was crying and it fucked all my shit up it made my heart hurt and i started crying a lot. I’m starting to cry again. Everything was coming back to how i used to feel. Why the fuck do i care? It makes me so sad knowing that he’s crying fuck, but fuck him he only said that because he knew it would effect me like this. I was happy and i was fine but why does the moment i know he’s crying, fuck me up? Fuck you. Leave me alone please, please fucking leave me alone. The more you message me and text me is severely fucking with my head i just need to be left alone. All the times that i cried, all the times you broke up with me, abused me, you never gave a fucking shit and i fucking hate you for it all. I hate everything you’ve done to me. And i’m aware now. I am not in love with you so i am not blind anymore. I won’t make anymore excuses i will sit face to face with all the abuse i had to deal with. I hate all the shit you fucking brainwashed me with and all the terrible things you did to me a human should never have to go through. I hate what you did to my mind and my self esteem. I hate who i became. I am/so scared to be alone and its so ridiculous. I am scared to be lonely but it doesn’t outweigh everything else, it just doesn’t. I hate what you turned my life into. No one can understand what being abused by someone you are in love with feels like. What it does to your fucking brain. It’s like a fucked up addiction. I hope I can be strong and not go back. You should never blame anyone for being a victim in one of these kinds of situations because it’s really hard, it’s so hard for me right now and it’s going to be really hard still. I am going to try my best. Even though it’s been a long time since you acted like that, i’ll always remember it. I’m happy you stopped acting like a scary alcoholic but the memories feel sewn into my skin. You made me feel less than fucking dirt, you made me feel suicidal and depressed. I am so happy i never killed myself from all the fucking depression you fucked my head up with. I hate all the bruises and the screams and the scars and the bloody noses and tears. Those memories will be forever and i was so fucking stuck but i’m finally out now. I’m out. I’m out. I’m gonna try be fine now.

[doomzday]

don't call me don't text me don't touch me don't think about me don't even look at me.

[doomzday]

*think's intensely about the term give up*

[doomzday]

I cried today. It's been a really long time since i cried. My heart hurts. Everything scares me.