in which we learn that Caracalla really, really loves to pray. And Geta? Geta is furious…
summary: Livia, a young Vestal Virgin, is bound to Vesta's eternal flame and the vow of sacred duty. In Rome, it's common knowledge; touch a Vestal, and the wrath of the gods will descend upon you. But what if someone dares to defy that rule?
chapter I chapter II
warnings: 18+ minors dni, dub-con, non-con
tags: darkfic, sibling rivalry, no softboys here, religious guilt, mommy issues, caracalla when i catch you!
word count: ~4k
•••
The Great Maiden, like the other Vestals, lived in the House of the Vestals, so it was easy enough to find her.
After listening carefully to Livia’s hurried account and reading Claudia’s letter, the High Priestess was silent for a moment. Then, her pale lips parted, and she gestured to a marble bench, inviting Livia to sit.
"Sit, child."
She herself remained standing, her gaze fixed somewhere ahead. Despite her efforts to appear welcoming, there was a barely concealed tension in her posture and unease in her eyes. Still, Livia obeyed, sitting down with her hands folded in her lap, studying the older woman, trying to understand what troubled her.
"I’m sorry to come asking for this, but my heart won’t rest when my sister sends me such alarming messages. I have to see her…"
The priestess’s sharp eyes fixed on her. "Does she have no one else?"
Livia sighed. "Alas, no. Our mother has been gone for years, our father only just passed, and…" She swallowed hard, forcing back the lump rising in her throat. "…and our older sister, too. Claudia has a husband, but she’s carrying a child, alone in a foreign house… If I don’t go to her, I’ll never forgive myself. I can’t lose another sister."
Whether it was Livia’s words or the sorrow on her face, something in the senior priestess softened. Her voice was quieter when she spoke.
"Very well. Go see your sister. But don’t linger too long, and…” She hesitated, frowning, before continuing, “remember—your place is here, in the temple of our goddess and protector."
"Thank you," Livia said, relief and gratitude flooding her. In a sudden rush of emotion, she bent down and pressed a kiss to the back of the Great Maiden’s hand before hurrying out. But just as she passed through the doorway, she caught the woman’s gaze following her—heavy, somber, devoid of any joy.
And just like that, her own joy vanished.
Dark thoughts crept back in, pressing in around her like shadows. The secret she hadn’t told, the truth she hadn’t shared with her sisters. Once, they had shared everything—joy and sorrow alike—but now… Now, guilt took root in her chest, and the weight of unspoken words threatened to suffocate her.
Her sisters didn’t know.
And it was his fault.
Emperor Caracalla had shattered her quiet, ordered world with nothing but his presence. He had brought with him chaos, lies, and… thoughts that had no place in the mind of a Vestal.
But the goddess knew.
Nothing could be hidden from her. And that made it all the more unbearable.
She had tried to tell Caesonia—truly, she had—but the words got stuck in her throat the moment the other priestess started talking, her eyes sparkling with excitement about Emperor Geta. Oh, how her sister admired him! She’d praised him, laughed, made silly jokes, and seemed so thrilled that they’d be attending the games again soon.
And how could Livia ruin that? How could she say that the father of Rome had stormed into the sacred temple, had whispered things to her that no young girl should ever hear? That he had touched her, behaved with brazen arrogance, nothing like the divine being so many believed him to be?
How could she describe the filth of it? The wrongness? The things that no Vestal should ever even think about?
Sin.
She longed to bathe, to cleanse herself, as if Caracalla had truly touched her, squeezed her throat, and kept purring in her ear.
A shudder ran through her, and she bit down hard on her lip, desperate to chase away the smiling image of the emperor from her mind.
She had no time for this.
She needed to think of Claudia. She needed to focus on her sister. Not waste another moment on impure thoughts.
ৡ ৡ ৡ
As soon as the chariot began rolling through the streets of Rome, a fresh wave of panic washed over her. Livia tugged the curtains tighter, not wanting anyone to see her. This visit had to be swift and discreet—there was no reason for the people of Rome to know that a Vestal Virgin was paying a visit to the emperors’ palace.
She had no interest in the outside world—she didn’t care to see how the capital lived, neither the lavish homes of the patricians nor the cramped, crumbling dwellings of the plebeians. And yet, when the chariot slowed, she couldn’t help but peek through the slightly parted curtain. What she saw made her gasp.
The emperors’ palace, a gleaming fortress of white marble, was overwhelming in its grandeur. Even approaching from the less prominent side, away from the central square, there was still plenty to marvel at.
She was expected. As soon as she stepped inside, she was escorted directly to her sister. To Livia’s surprise, they led her to a garden, where amidst fragrant flowers, elegant marble statues, and the quiet singing of birds, Claudia waited for her in a shaded gazebo.
The young woman lounged in a garden chair, looking bored. Her legs were stretched out on a low stool, one hand absently stroking her rounded belly. But the moment she saw Livia, her expression lit up with genuine joy.
Livia lifted the sheer, pale-blue veil from her face. Beside Claudia, a dark-skinned slave girl sat at her feet. At the sight of Livia, the girl’s eyes widened—not just in surprise, but in something else. Fear? Doubt? Did she find it strange that a Vestal Virgin had come to see her mistress? Or… had she seen Livia before? Livia didn’t know, and she had no desire to dwell on it. With a simple nod, Claudia dismissed the servants, leaving them alone.
"Livia, sister, I’m so happy you’re here," Claudia said, reaching out with both hands.
Livia covered them with her own, squeezing gently. “How are you feeling?” she asked, searching her sister’s face for answers.
"Oh, this…" Claudia’s expression faltered, her eyes darting nervously. She didn’t look sick. "Forgive me for the little deception, Livia. I—" She hesitated. "You must forgive me. I just wanted to see you so badly, and I couldn’t think of any other way to distract you from your prayers!"
Livia stiffened. Anger flared through her body, and she pulled away, her movement sharper than intended.
"Do you realize," she said, her voice rougher than before, "that because of your 'little' deception, I’m in a difficult position? I have duties. What am I supposed to tell the High Priestess? That my sister is a liar?"
"You don’t need to explain anything," Claudia said smoothly. "Just tell them I’m feeling better, and that’s all. Is it really such a crime to visit your pregnant sister? Do you truly believe Vesta would be angered by that?"
But Livia remained resolute, crossing her arms and taking a step back.
"Lies—those are the real sin,” she said, eager to return to the temple immediately. “Answer me, Claudia—why did you really come up with this story?"
Her sister straightened, lowering her feet to the ground, placing a protective hand over her belly. Her gaze turned distant, uneasy. Her lips parted, but she hesitated, avoiding Livia’s eyes. She was hiding something. And Livia didn’t like it.
"I was asked to…" Claudia finally murmured.
"By who?" Livia’s voice came out hoarse. She already knew the answer.
"The emperor…" Claudia admitted softly.
Livia didn’t wait to hear more. She pulled the veil back over her face, turned on her heel, and strode toward the exit. Away from the garden. Away from the palace. Back to the temple, where her sisters—though not by blood—would never lie to her.
"Wait!"
A sister’s hand, hot and desperate, grabbed her wrist.
"I had no choice, Livia, please!" Claudia’s voice broke into a sob. "Appius is always at the Senate, and when he’s not there, he’s off carousing with the emperors. I’m alone all the time! I really did want to see you, and when Emperor Geta told me—"
"He ordered you to do this?" Livia yanked her hand free. Through the thin veil, she regarded her sister’s small, trembling figure, unwilling to show her own face. Or her emotions. The resentment in her chest tightened like a knot.
"No, but… You know the gods’ power lies in the hands of the emperors. Who am I to refuse a request?"
"You’re my sister," Livia said sharply, turning to leave again.
"Livia…" Claudia’s voice cracked.
She clutched her belly, breathing heavily, and sank back into her chair.
Livia’s heart softened, and she hurried to sit in front of her sister, inspecting her, stroking her dark hair gently.
"Don’t upset yourself, please. I forgive you," Livia said softly, fixing her sister with a steady gaze, brushing the damp curls from her forehead… and then she froze.
Claudia had always been frail. Both Cassandra and Livia had been strong, healthy—tall, just like their father, and eerily similar since childhood. But Claudia had always been different, with her dark hair and blue eyes, she took after their mother with her frailty and shorter stature.
And now, looking at her, Livia realized: Claudia truly was ill.
Her gaze drifted lower. Without touching her, she traced a faint red mark on her sister’s skin. Then another. One near her collarbone, half-hidden beneath the fabric of her deep burgundy tunic.
"What is this?" Livia breathed.
Claudia hurriedly shifted her long hair over her chest, hiding the marks.
"Nothing…"
A lie. Livia saw it in her eyes. She wanted to press her, to demand the truth—but they were interrupted.
A palace guard had arrived. The emperor was summoning her. And she couldn’t refuse.
Casting one last, sorrowful glance at her sister—now curled up in her chair, her face unreadable—Livia rose and followed the guard into the palace.
ৡ ৡ ৡ
This time, she doesn’t stop to admire the gold or marble. The sculptures and frescoes fade into the background. All she can think about is her sister—those marks. She’s seen them before… she’s almost certain.
"Wait here, priestess. Emperor Geta will join you shortly," the guard tells her before leaving her alone in the vast, empty throne room.
Livia clasps her hands together, her gaze drifting over the towering arches and columns. She doesn’t like it here—it’s too ostentatious, too… too dangerous. The sheer size of the space makes her uneasy; she longs to return to her small, familiar room in the House of the Vestals. She avoids looking at the intricately carved thrones at the center of the hall, but a bas-relief above a small, almost hidden door tucked behind the columns catches her eye.
She’s heard the story countless times—first as a child in her parents’ home, then later from the High Priestess, who taught her about the sisterhood. Carved into the white stone is a she-wolf nursing two infants. Twin brothers. Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, who…
"Their mother was a Vestal, wasn’t she?" a quiet, sudden voice makes her flinch.
Caracalla is standing close—too close—as if he’d been there all along. Livia wills her racing heart to calm, determined not to let him revel in her fear. Thankfully, her face remains hidden behind the veil.
"Yes, my Caesar," she replies politely, bowing her head. "She bore them from a god."
"What could be more honorable, hmm? Mars, the god of war, blessed her womb with great sons," he stood in profile, his eyes locked on the relief, but she could see his lips stretch into a smile.
"And couldn’t protect her when she needed it," she retorts, bristling.
"So now we’re judging the gods, are we?" He turned to her, and she swallowed, her gaze dropping, cursing her own foolishness.
"No, we are merely humble servants, Emperor," she replied softly, and Caracalla smiled again.
The faint clink of golden bracelets fills the air as he gestures toward another wall. Livia’s gaze locks onto his pale, well-kept hand. This time, there are no rings—instead, his thin fingers are coated in gold up to the middle knuckle. She’s seen priests do this, though they used sacrificial blood… She could easily imagine blood in place of gold.
"Another one of your sisters," he giggled, eyeing Livia with interest, still smiling with slightly parted lips, like a mischievous child.
Livia presses her lips tighter. The young emperor is testing her, teasing her. She glances at the other bas-relief. Tarpeia, the traitor who betrayed her city, is depicted with a look of terror, buried under heavy shields, one hand reaching desperately toward the sky.
"The claim that she was a Vestal is a myth," Livia replied curtly.
"But the rumors exist, don’t they?" he said lightly. "Of course, not something a Vestal would take pride in. But you’re different, aren’t you? Faithful to your calling."
This time, his eyes met hers directly—so piercing, so heavy, it felt as though the veil between them didn’t exist at all. As if she stood before him bare.
"I am faithful to my vows, Emperor."
«How many times do I have to say it before you stop looking at me like that?» she thinks, clenching her fists. He immediately notices her tension, his eyes flicking downward. He seems relaxed, unserious, smug even—but Caracalla is watching her closely. He is attentive.
Dressed in sapphire blue, his eyes are even more striking—dark, tempestuous, mirroring the hue of his tunic. His hair is a wild tangle of curls, untamed by a golden laurel, and his cheeks burn with a feverish glow, just beneath a delicate layer of powder. Livia’s gaze snags on the tiny, nearly healed marks on his cheekbones, and her mind flashes back to Claudia. Could it…?
"I’m here to visit my father," Caracalla says with a nod, as if the strange tension between them never existed.
Only now did she realize that the small door led to the altar.
"You praying?" she asked, genuinely surprised. In her mind, Caracalla was a god unto himself.
"Praying?" he echoed, a sly twist in his voice. It was hard to tell whether he was answering or posing the question back at her, daring her to guess. Livia stayed silent.
"You can join me. My father may not have been a devout man or given your temple the attention it deserves," he says, his eyes swept down her body and back up again, "but a Vestal priestess might brighten his afterlife."
She hesitates for only a heartbeat before following him. She has no choice.
Alone with the emperor in the small, dimly lit room, Livia freezes against the wall, waiting for him to speak. But he doesn’t.
He stares at the gilded altar, a smile playing on his lips—not a sad one, but rather sardonic, cruel even. As if he’s pleased his father is dead, his bones buried beneath, while Caracalla stands here, alive, the emperor…
"Five years to the day since he died," his hoarse, quiet voice cuts through the silence.
"I’m sorry," Livia replies. "My father’s gone too. I understand…"
"Do you?" His high, hysterical laugh jolted her, and she stepped back toward the exit, warily watching the flushed cheekbones, the dilated pupils, the heavy rise and fall of his chest beneath the blue toga. "Were you glad when your father died too?"
And then it hits her. He hated the old emperor.
Oh, how foolish she had been, believing he could ever love anyone.
She recalls the day the emperor passed. Whispers had spread, suggesting he’d been murdered… Could one of his sons have been responsible? Unease settles in her chest as she wraps her arms around herself.
Caracalla, as if reading her thoughts, turned toward her, narrowed his eyes, and then approached so closely that she could smell the scent of aromatic oils. His hand rose, and she recoiled, fearing he might touch her. But no, his fingers merely grazed the veil, pushing it back to reveal her pale face.
For a moment, they were silent. She seemed to stop breathing altogether while the emperor studied her face with surprising seriousness and focus. They were the same height, and Caracalla was only slightly older than her, but for some reason, Livia felt like a child, a little girl. It was frightening.
"Your sister was here," he says, running his tongue over his lips, his breathing quickening again.
"Claudia?" she whispers, almost without thinking.
"Who?" He laughs. "No, your other sister."
"Cassandra?"
The name of her sister causes the emperor’s pupils to dilate even further, the blackness swallowing the blue of his irises. The shifting torchlight casts shadows across his face, transforming it into something tragic, unsettling. He stepped back from her, turning once again to the altar, standing next to his father’s bust.
Now Livia saw two profiles—one marble, one alive, human.
Yet the living emperor, standing still, was no different from the statue. Pale, youthful, beautiful, he surpassed even the finest work of the sculptor who had carved his father.
"Yes," he replied. "Little bird often brightened my days when she lived here. Sweet, gentle, obedient…"
His voice dips into a purr, and Livia’s brow furrows. Little bird. He’d called her that too.
"You’re nothing like her, though your face is hers exactly."
She felt a wave of disgust ripple through her at the tone he used when speaking of her dead sister—as if a single tender purr could tarnish Cassandra’s memory.
Livia silently turned away, unwilling to speak to him any longer. She needed to meet with the other emperor and leave the palace.
But as she took a step toward the exit, his hand roughly grabbed her wrist, and he slammed her against the wall, chest-first.
Stunned, it took her a moment to register what had just happened.
He had grabbed her!
Touched her not playfully, but brazenly, shamelessly! As if she were… Her!? Livia gasped, her cheek flat against the cold wall, his hot body pressing into her from behind, grip squeezing her wrist to pain.
"Let go! This is sacrilege!" she whispered, trying not to sound too frantic.
"I touched you—grabbed you like some common kitchen wench," he whispers in her ear, inhaling the scent of her hair, his nose burying into her neck.
"And look—my hands are still here. Your goddess hasn’t cursed me. Who’s going to punish me, huh? You? Come on then. Fight back. Hit me. Here I am, touching you again and again, right on my father’s grave! So what are you going to do to me, priestess?"
His other hand settles on her neck, brushing her hair aside. She couldn’t move.
Not wanting to anger him further, Livia freezes.
So does he.
"Emperor Antoninus, please," a desperate whisper escapes her dry lips.
His breath on her neck quickens, grows hotter.
His name stirs something in him—his grip on her wrist even loosens slightly.
"Say it again," he commands.
"Please…"
"Not that! My name!"
"Antoninus…" Her voice trembles, and he presses into her hips harder, letting out a quiet moan.
"My mother used to call me that," he whispers, finally releasing her wrist.
Livia can’t bear it any longer.
While he’s distracted, relaxed, she spins around, shoving him hard in the chest—consequences be damned. Her nails rake across the back of his hand as she rushes away, her heart pounding, dreading he’ll follow.
But he doesn’t.
Only his laughter echoes behind her.
"Fly, little bird—we’ll meet again!"
ৡ ৡ ৡ
She rushed to leave the throne room, desperate to escape the palace, but as she reached the exit, she collided with Emperor Geta. His face froze at the sight of her, his eyes scanning her disheveled appearance with a stunned disbelief.
Only then did Livia realize how she must look. Her gaze was wild, her hair a tangled mess, her veil crumpled, and her wrists were marked with blossoming bruises, streaked with traces of gold paint left by Emperor Caracalla. Geta noticed all of it. He pressed his lips into a thin line but didn’t comment on it, speaking as though everything were perfectly ordinary.
"Apologies for the wait, priestess" he says politely, inclining his head. Unlike his brother, his hair is neat, crowned with a golden laurel, as it should be. He’s dressed in night-black robes—impeccable, composed, focused. Yet, Livia can’t help but notice the red blotches seeping through the layer of powder. He’s furious. His dark eyes bore into her as if she’s betrayed him.
"Why am I here?" she said hastily, still fearing that Caracalla might appear behind her.
"I told you—I enjoy your company, I want to see you more often," Geta replied softly, licking his lips.
Her mind immediately flashed back to his brother’s words: "Geta wants you." A wave of nausea hit her.
"We agreed to meet at the games."
"Yes, I remember," his black eyes remained fixed on her wrists, and she suddenly wanted to strike him. How dare he!? He knew exactly what his brother had done! He knew it was Caracalla—he knew, and yet he remained silent, endured it! If he likes her so much, why is he tolerating this? Coward.
"I wish to see you. Without the High Priestess and your sisters. Just you. There will be a feast tonight. I want you to be there."
Livia blinked, stunned. What did he think she was?
"That’s insulting," she spat.
"It’s an honor," he replied sharply, his voice growing colder. "Didn’t your sisters in the past attend feasts, gatherings? Watching gladiators spill blood on the arena floor is acceptable, but spending an evening with Rome’s noble citizens is condemned? There will be poetry readings, singers, harpists. You’ll spend your time as you see fit. If you think of anything improper, that’s not my fault…" He smirked, brazenly tilting his chin, reminding her once again of Caracalla.
Anger overwhelmed her completely. Oh, so he wanted to show her off to his friends like some precious trinket? To brag?
Livia bit the inside of her cheek as hard as she could, forced a fake smile, and nodded.
"One evening, Emperor. And then you’ll leave me be."
Geta mirrored her smile, his curious gaze lingering on her face, before replying, obviously lying:
Adiós amor de mi vida, que tengas toda la felicidad del mundo. Que la vida te siga llenando de dicha y crecimiento. Fue un placer verte y verte feliz. Te amo y siempre te amaré.
Me he convertido en tu reflejo, me gusta porque ahora soy más libre y he escapado de la jaula en la que vivía, ahora puedo ser, actuar y pensar lo que yo quiera, aunque ahora cuando me miro al espejo, te veo a ti. ¿Me creaste o te creé? Volteo al frente y ahí estas, veo tu mirada y creo que te puedo tocar. ¿Cómo puede existir un ser tan explendido? ¿Me habló a mi o te hablo a ti?
Creaste de mi lo que tú querías, pero no esperabas que yo creará de ti lo que yo quería. Ven, tocame el alma, mira como al ser tu reflejo no la encontrarás.
Para expresarme suelo ser más de palabras escritas que habladas así que vengo a decirte algo que no pude expresar más allá de lo que dije.
Ahí te va.
Muchas veces miramos el pasado o el futuro, y nos olvidamos del hoy, de lo que tenemos, de hasta donde hemos llegado, de lo que hemos crecido, de lo que sabemos, de lo que nos hace ser y estar en el hoy. Algún día mira a tu alrededor y disfruta de las pequeñas cosas que pueden hacerte feliz en el día, como comerte unos buenos pingüinos, o unos cacahuates del puñito, un proyecto que salió bien, las risas y chistes, algún conocimiento nuevo, un buen libro, una buena plática, etc. Lo que te haga sentir bien en el presente.
No sé cómo te ves cuando te miras al espejo y no hablo de tu ser superficial sino de la esencia que trasmites. En ocasiones nos cuesta reconocernos tal cual somos ante el mundo y eso nos genera un tipo de preocupación o inseguridad. No lograr llegar a ser lo que queremos ser o no estar con quién queremos estar, nos intriga demasiado, nos llena de pensamientos negativos y no sabemos cómo deshacernos de ese sentimiento, así que me parece genial que pidas ayuda a expertos para salir de donde estas. es muy valiente.
Así que quiero decirte que te abrazo mucho, abrazo a ese ser emocional que se esconde en un O² y no deja que 'O' pueda ser él sin aparentar ni sentir la necesidad de ser alguien más y que ojalá pudieras verte con ojos externos a los tuyos y te des cuenta de lo inteligente que eres y de lo mucho que trasmites e irradias. Que aunque te sientas solo, no lo estás y sin ningún compromiso puedo ser un oído más que no te juzgará.
kianamaiart
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