Everything is as I never thought it could be. I am aware at every moment of signs. Sometimes these signs end up being quotes I stumble upon. Sometimes they are noises, or sights that happen at the perfect moment. I never ignore them but a lot of the time I have to set a sign aside for whatever reason- to understand it, to ponder it, to dismiss it.... A lot of the signs that the universe gives me dont often get addressed though. I blame money. Money cannot buy me happiness, it never has. But it certainly can buy you freedom- which is a luxury to me at this point. I followed my dreams to get here but fate is trying to pull me apart. The powers of the world cannot put money in my pocket and they cannot control everything. But I wish they did. Sometimes I go crazy in trying so hard to understand why I took all of the paths that I did. Why did I need to leave NY so badly? Why didn't I try harder to set myself up for greatness? Why am I so dependent on fate? I got myself into a very silly mess. I am struggling to live and I knew it would happen. I have to worry about things that Ive never worried about before like- Where will I live, where will I go? Will I have money for food? Will I ever feel comfortable again? I had it so damn easy in New York. I really deserve to struggle for once. To see what I am capable of, and to see how far I can go. I hate evey second of struggling, but I also hated every second of New York too so, it doesnt really matter where I am. It is no secret that I have clinical depression. If you know me, you know it. I am not obnoxious about it or constantly complaining about it but it is something that occationally holds me back so I let my loved ones know. It comes in cycles like how the moon changes. I always wonder why, too. Why did I have to be born this way? I am not ashamed of it and I have done a LOT to try and reverse it, prevent it , pretend it isnt real, and what have you. I could blame it all on genetics, the proof is there. I could blame it on enviornmental things, the proof is there. Or I could blame it on misdiagnosis, wrong medications, and a lack of emotional care. The proof is also there. But to blame anything is wrong. I am who I am because of whatever is wrong with the chemicals in my brain. I wish more than anything in the world to feel and be whatever generic form of normal that we refer to in today's society. In my perfect world, I would have security. Stability. The feeling of a light within me that wouldn't have the opportunity to dim. I wouldn't be worried about the future, hell I wouldn't have anything to worry about. I wouldn't have clinical depression holding me back. See a lot of people don't understand the meaning of depression. It isn't necessarily a choice. It's like living with a disability that no one can see or wants to hear about. It really is a phenomonon. It can take your mind into places that it shouldnt go. It can do damage to relationships. At it's worst, it can make the thought of death a comfort. And that isn't natural or okay. No one should have to feel like they are battling themselves to stay alive. And in the thick of it, you also feel and get labeled as crazy in the process. What kind of maddness is this? Why in the fuck do I have to be this way? I will never stop asking until I get a solid answer and solution. But, even though I have this obstacle that follows me like a shadow on a sunny day, I still hope. And I still hang on and I will still make sure that I walk around with a smile. I have found out since I have moved from New York to California that I actually really enjoy saying hello or smiling at people on the street. I also love taking walks here and looking at the beautiful views. Very simple things in life can give you great joy if you just take the time. I am going to continue to blog because I just realized that it makes me feel good to organize my thoughts. No one really knows that I have this blog anyway so hopefully if anything I write is read, it is read by someone who has some comprehension of therapudic ways to expell negativity.
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
stormborns
izzy806
germansingergirl
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