i'll defy the laws of nature and come out alive

any pronouns except she ✨️ 30s ✨️ original thoughts here ✨️ reblogs @theglamourswornthin ✨️ art @getsketched

[doriangraysrockcollection]

💚✨️INTRO POST✨️💚

wait, sorry, you're telling me i'm expected to write a fuckin cover letter for tumblr dot com?

[doriangraysrockcollection]

loooove when a character has absolutely zero fucks left to give. when his boss is like "haha i kidnapped your *~friend~* what are you gonna do about it" and your guy's just like

[skelotan]

Literacy crisis WHO? This was said in the most vocal fried Californian accent ever. I hope The Girls enjoy some Russian lit this summer.

PATREON

[promethiae]

I've always been intimidated by the Russians. Someone sell me on a book

[doriangraysrockcollection]

i'd like to recommend The Death of Ivan Ilyich, a novella by Tolstoy that i had to read on two separate occasions in high school and loved both times. as it is, again, a novella, it is decidedly not a big, fat Russian book. it is an itty bitty Russian book that you will read very quickly and (i hope) enjoy very much. like a little "fear of Russian books" vaccine.

[doriangraysrockcollection]

i was sneaking through a room. i didn't notice anyone there, but as i was about to leave i heard a gruff voice say: "They don't know I made this." i turned around to see Harrison Ford standing there. he held up his creation: a bunch of shitty black plastic butter knives scotch-taped together into one giant machete-sized butter knife.

[doriangraysrockcollection]

hey bbc. you're sick of making Doctor Who, right? just an endless cycle of people demanding more and then getting pissed that it's not like it was in the good ol' days? a fanbase you can never satisfy because every single member has a different idea of which moment was Peak Doctor Who?

well, fret no more, for i have your solution: hand me the reins and i promise to deliver a series so horrendous that no one ever asks you for more Doctor Who again.

my plan? well, listen up.

[cooking show contestant voice]

it's important to start strong, so i'm going to wow everyone with my take on a classic: opening with a premise that completely retcons everything anyone's ever loved about this show and the Doctor as a character. the Doctor will reveal to his Companion that the only reason he's been doing any of this is to collect and train a team of humans to battle for him in the Time Lords' "Alien League" so that he can win the title of Alien Champion. (what's the Alien League, you ask? well, imagine: Pokemon. yup! that's the whole thing.)

now, when it comes to the Doctor Who budget, we all know that less is more. but it's hard to keep the budget low when it's gained so much popularity in the streaming era! but don't worry—we're going back to plungers and duct tape, because i have a trick up my sleeve. we're blowing the entire budget to once again bring back, that's right, David Tennant and Billie Piper! because nothing says Doctor Who like beating a dead horse to death, and the Doctor needs someone on his team who can gigantamax— uh, mega-evol— i mean, whatever we're gonna call it when Rose does her Bad Wolf thing!

will the Doctor become the Alien Champion? not if i can get a second season! will his Companions ever forgive him for collecting them like pokemon? yes! that is, except Martha—and, you guessed it, the fandom will be split 80/20 over whether this makes her irredeemably evil! can you guess which percentage says "yes?"

[alphacrone]

as a child i assumed that martha’s vineyard was a fancy private vineyard owned by martha stewart and the reason rich people vacationed there was because they were friends with martha

[doriangraysrockcollection]

petition to rename Nantucket to "Snoop's CannaRanch"

[animentality]

[doriangraysrockcollection]

i didn't mean to crop it okay. but i'm not starting over

[doriangraysrockcollection]

my new Sleeping Pill That Actually Works is great except for some reason they decided a blister pack is not enough. no. this comes in a blister pack that is hidden within a Contraption. to access the pills you must have knowledge of the Contraption. you must press Here and pull There in order to extract the blister pack, which you then must, of course, defeat in battle to access your Pill.

so every night instead of saying something normal such as "oh i should take my meds" i'm like: i need my contraption! it is time! where is my contraption? BOY! fetch me my contraption #mycontraption

[doriangraysrockcollection]

let's play soundtrack song swap, a game i just made up where you swap the songs from two soundtracks!

i'll go first:

Glinda and Elphaba sing Waltz for Eva and Che

Eva and Che sing For Good

[doriangraysrockcollection]

i was going to say "this implies a timeline where Don't Cry For Me Emerald City happens," but then i realized that to say so implies that Don't Cry For Me Emerald City doesn't happen in this timeline, and i think just because we don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. let's be realistic. we don't see every moment of Glinda's life.

[doriangraysrockcollection]

let's play soundtrack song swap, a game i just made up where you swap the songs from two soundtracks!

i'll go first:

Glinda and Elphaba sing Waltz for Eva and Che

Eva and Che sing For Good

[doriangraysrockcollection]

[doriangraysrockcollection]

a dozen or so years ago i met a guy at a wedding and he recommended some books to me. this message is for him:

i finally have library holds on The Vorkosigan Saga and The Curse of Chalion by Lois McMaster Bujold. however i need now, as i needed then, for you to understand how completely incomprehensible a string of syllables that is when shouted at full speed in a room full of two hundred people yelling to be heard over the dj's attempt to set a Guinness World Record for Loudest "Party in the USA" Ever at someone who already has auditory processing disorder and has explained many times that they cannot hear or make any sense of what you're saying. next time try slowing down a little (this isn't Gilmore Girls for fuck's sake) or perhaps spelling it out. on paper even. i had some. and a pen. i offered. why did you just keep yelling it so fast.

[doriangraysrockcollection]

on my knees begging people to STOP GIVING BAD PRODUCTS 4-5 STARS

literally just read a review that said "these were stale and tasted awful but they refunded me so that's worth 4 stars" NO IT'S NOT

when you give a product 4-5 stars YOU ARE RECOMMENDING THE PRODUCT. you cannot assume everyone will read the content of your review! it does not show us the content of many reviews! and when half the reviews are like this ALL WE SEE UNLESS WE GO DIGGING IS THAT IT HAS AN AVERAGE RATING OF 4.5 STARS

[doriangraysrockcollection]

🎶Always look on the bright side of death!🎶

[doriangraysrockcollection]

which House MD doctor would "accidentally" pull the plug on Mitch McConnell?

House

Foreman

Chase

Cameron

Cuddy

Wilson

Thirteen

Taub

someone else

Voting ended onJul 17

[doriangraysrockcollection]

personally i'm going with Thirteen, she'd do it for gay wrongs. however.

plot twist: Cuddy does it. she knows how to do it without setting off any alarms, literal or metaphorical (House is not allowed anywhere near this wing).

Wilson's the first to notice. he immediately goes to Cuddy's office to confess that he did it.

Cuddy's like, lmfao no the fuck you didn't, and heads straight to the fishbowl. she has barely finished telling them that "someone unplugged Mi—" before every single one of them has I'm Spartacus-ed the situation.

House approaches Cuddy in her office late at night to promise he'll never tell. (later he will in fact use this information to blackmail her about something)

[doriangraysrockcollection]

why would Cuddy do it?

her first duty is to the patient. in this particular case, the patient is brain dead and stands no chance to benefit from continued life support.

her second duty is to the hospital—the other patients, her staff, the building itself, the endowment, the reputation. the endowment is the difficult hurdle here; they're paying a LOT for this. but the media swarming the hospital right now is terrible for its patients AND staff, as are the tiktok teens who have moved on from the scientology hq and are now speedrunning through her halls. and the idea of what it will do to the hospital's reputation, nevermind hers, when the full story breaks, is enough to push her over the edge.

she does not have a duty to the republican party, who are the only ones who benefit from the continued farce. if she does have a political duty, once again, it's to her patients, who deserve to have an alive senator working for them and not to be lied to except by her special team of highly skilled physicians.

i do not think Chase would do it, because rich white men will forgive other rich white men for a lot. i said this in the comments but i can hear his smug voice explaining that there's a big difference between a democratically elected guy with some different opinions than you and a literal African dictator.

House also would not do it. he would not unplug shit. he would steal a monster truck and crash it through the wall of Mitch's room

[doriangraysrockcollection]

which House MD doctor would "accidentally" pull the plug on Mitch McConnell?

House

Foreman

Chase

Cameron

Cuddy

Wilson

Thirteen

Taub

someone else

Voting ended onJul 17

[doriangraysrockcollection]

personally i'm going with Thirteen, she'd do it for gay wrongs. however.

plot twist: Cuddy does it. she knows how to do it without setting off any alarms, literal or metaphorical (House is not allowed anywhere near this wing).

Wilson's the first to notice. he immediately goes to Cuddy's office to confess that he did it.

Cuddy's like, lmfao no the fuck you didn't, and heads straight to the fishbowl. she has barely finished telling them that "someone unplugged Mi—" before every single one of them has I'm Spartacus-ed the situation.

House approaches Cuddy in her office late at night to promise he'll never tell. (later he will in fact use this information to blackmail her about something)

[doriangraysrockcollection]

who the FUCK voted for Cameron

[doriangraysrockcollection]

which House MD doctor would "accidentally" pull the plug on Mitch McConnell?

House

Foreman

Chase

Cameron

Cuddy

Wilson

Thirteen

Taub

someone else

Voting ended onJul 17

[doriangraysrockcollection]

personally i'm going with Thirteen, she'd do it for gay wrongs. however.

plot twist: Cuddy does it. she knows how to do it without setting off any alarms, literal or metaphorical (House is not allowed anywhere near this wing).

Wilson's the first to notice. he immediately goes to Cuddy's office to confess that he did it.

Cuddy's like, lmfao no the fuck you didn't, and heads straight to the fishbowl. she has barely finished telling them that "someone unplugged Mi—" before every single one of them has I'm Spartacus-ed the situation.

House approaches Cuddy in her office late at night to promise he'll never tell. (later he will in fact use this information to blackmail her about something)