Parenting and Codependency
I’m a codependent person. There are various reasons why I have a hard time relating to other people in healthy ways. (If you want more info on Codependency: http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/)
This is particularly difficult when I’m trying to relate to my children. I have a lot of my identity and self-worth tied up in their happiness and how they relate to me. If they are happy, I have value. If they love me, I have value. Because of that, I have a difficult time disentangling myself from them. As they get older, I know it’s important for their independence and my well-being to have an identity, interests, worth, importance beyond them. I’m working on it. I go to CoDA meetings. I have gone to therapy, but there are still these complex feelings.
If I need a break from them, even just an afternoon to go to Target alone, do they think that I don’t love them? Will they feel resentful towards me? If I feel on edge and needing adult conversation, does that mean that I’m bad at this “job” of being a stay-at-home parent? If I have interests and desires beyond my relationship with them, does that make me a bad person? A bad mother?
Logically, I know none of that is true. My children will be fine. They are already incredibly independent. They won’t worry that when I leave that I won’t come back. I’m allowed to have a career and hobbies and friends beyond them and I am still an attentive, loving and supportive mother to them.
But, there is still this part of me that is so afraid. I’m so afraid to let go, to admit my personal needs and reach for what I want, because I’m worried about losing them and if I lose them, I won’t have anything at all.
