I didn't want to be in a relationship. I had called all of that quits and was happily jumping from bed to bed increasing my body count. Then I started talking to Crystal and everything seemed to be going routine except that as I talked to her I realized she was a lot smarter then the average girl, she carried herself better then the average girl, she was more interesting, easier to talk to, more beautiful, with a better personality than the average girl. But I still had it in my head; NO RELATIONSHIPS. I talked her into spending the night and hooking up with me, and bluntly telling her I had no plans of texting her the next day. She came over and we made awkward small talk until I said said"okay let's make out," leaned in and began making out with her. (She was number 12 as far as my body count, while I was number 2 and the first time happened ironically at my house recently before we hooked up, and it was with a dick guy who did what he had to do and passed out as he does with every girl within a 10 foot radius of him.) Then we proceeded to have amazing sex. She and I instantly had a deep sexual connection, and I couldn't believe I had more fun with her then like every other girl I had been with. When we were done we cuddled each other and talked. We talked all night. And we had deep conversations. I was telling her things my best friends didn't know and she did the same. She went from a stranger to a girl I was basically falling for in the matter of a night. To this day I think that is my favorite memory of us together. It goes without saying I did text her the next day and spending every free second I had, with her. She is younger than me still a senior in high school, and there's a 4 year age gap between us. At first that was a big issue for me,I got over it quickly, but it was. Now we are totally different people she was a nice sweet sheltered high schooler "goody good" type, while I was an asshole desensitized recreational hard drug user with bad anxiety and major depressive disorder. But we clicked. She became an obsession of mine. She challenged me and my thinking, she fascinated me, she unlike everyone else I've ever dealt with in my life didn't get on my nerves, annoy me, and I didn't find her stupid. In fact I think she's smarter than me. So we were practicing dating since the first night we hung out, but we didn't decide to make it official until like two weeks or so later. Five days before we started dating is when I fell in love with her. I didn't tell her at that point. But I had a horrible day at work I was really depressed, and on my last job of the day I had a bad panic attack, and she couldn't come over that night but I just had to see her so she snuck out of her house and joined me in my truck. Seeing her made everything better, and she held me, talked to me, and gave me a feeling of being on top of the world. That is when I knew we had something special and I fell in love with her. So we were dating and I loved every second I was with her. Because of my terribly low self esteem and how amazing she is and the deserved pedestal I had her on In my head, it took me a little bit to realize and understand she really was crazy about me too. Yeah looking back at it I'm sure to some we moved way to fast, and I get why people would say that. In my opinion yeah maybe we could have been a little slower but when you are so sure about your feelings for another person and the you two are in love I think it's difficult to move real slow and what's the point who cares if you move fast. About a week after the office start of our relationship she was on the verge of breaking up with me because of the drugs and some other small issues. Drugs have always caused issues of me and she was okay with them at first, she didn't want to think of me doing that to myself anymore. Before we started dating I told her I would not stop using, and she said that was fine so now she felt bad for changing her mind because I had told her (and at that point in time it was true) that I would pick drugs over her and I wasn't going to stop. But that was my attitude before I fell in love and got to know how amazing she is, I happily finished what I had left and I stopped using recreational drugs. And she is the first girl friend I have ever been totally honest with. Some of my ex-girlfriends had dealt with me stopping like three different times and I just never did and I had to lie about it. With Crystal, she knew I was doing drugs in the beginning, and I easily gave them up for her, and If I had to do it a hundred more times I'd still pick her every time. I love her so much... But anyway, soon it was Christmas and I bought her some little things, a blanket, a stuffed Star Wars plushy. I also made her a scrapbook titled "Here is one hundred and two, Things we can do together, Because I love you, Foralways and ever" I was kinda proud of that and how it turned out. While she "got me gifts" that to this day I haven't seen. But she swears she has them. The day after Christmas we hung out and we have always had our thumb prints in each other's phone always both free to go threw them, which was new for me because I would always have to hide my phone with ex-girlfriends because dealers would hit me up. I never went threw her phone because I don't like being that guy but we used each other's phones sometimes to take pics or look something up or whatever, but that was that I never snooped and never had a reason too. On this night she gave me her phone to text some bully/stalker of hers to tell him to stop and shit and she got a Text from a kid she went to school with, so I opened it to tell her about it and I saw the conversation was about him sleeping over her house, They were talking about his car and She says "fine don't sleep over" He said "I can't you got a bf" she said "so" he said "things happen" she said "and" he said "sike I would tell no one" she said "you wouldn't?" He said exgirlfriends"if we did anything no" and She was with me so couldn't respond and I think he was texting to say something off topic it like let's continue this conversation. I was so fucking hurt. I had a panic attack that night and was shaking like crazy crying in bed with her and she held me and comforted me and told me it would be okay the whole time. Apparently the kid has a bad home life so he had stayed at her house a few times, they hadn't had sex even though he tried. And okay maybe I over reacted, and her story makes since and their conversation could have gone either way so I couldn't tell her intentions so I forgave her and we continued going threw life together happily. We hit a speed bumps along the way but nothing too serious until the other weekend my best friend tells me how crystal hit up another friend of ours (the first dude she had sex with) and was talking about coming over to fuck with a girl for another friend of ours and sending him nudes. She said it was her friend who was texting him to prove to someone he would fuck anyone or something, she wasn't texting him at all and she never said she didn't send him nudes but I don't think nudes were sent that night out of ignorance or not. So we were good again and she slept over two nights ago and we talked for a little bit about all kinds of stuff and that's my favorite thing to do with her. Then we got some sleep and I got up the next morning for work. I got totally ready like five minutes from walking out the door and she wanted to have sex and I did to so we fucked and when we were done I started getting re dressed and she went down stairs to get cereal. While she was down stairs I saw her phone and don't like that I did but I felt I should and I looked through her phone and I find messages of her sexting a guy, talking about how she wants him there rubbing on her body. And I could feel my heart break in two. I was crushed, destroyed. She came upstairs with a bowl of cereal and I threw her phone on the bed and said I'm done, she didn't get it, I said it a few more times and when she got to her phone she finally understood. She didn't react how I would have but she was quite like letting it sink in. Things are a little fuzzy for me about this part because my head was racing I was fighting off a panic attack I was pissed and really hurt. I remember asking when she was just standing there not saying sorry it trying to do anything. I remember thanking her for treating me like that and not giving a fuck about me. I punched a hole in my bathroom wall. I got ready and went to leave but I couldn't drive so I called my mom told he what happened she told me not to drive to work in that condition calm down she's sorry basically mom shit. So I went back upstairs and talked with her until she when to work. And while we were talking I took her phone and went threw it and while I was she kept taking it to "show me something" and the phone would be turned away from me she would do whatever and let me see it again then need to "show me something" and then I hadn't looked at everything at all and she was like okay I gotta go to work so I walked to the steps to walk her to he car keeping her phone, and she followed me asking where I was going and I was like I'm going out to the car you said you have to go and she was like well I could stuff ready first and I was like well then why couldn't I have sat there and looked at your phone and she like grabbed it was if I don't want you looking at it without me I don't want you texting people. This is because she had a stalker thy I texted telling him to leave her alone and I'm to mean to a fucking stalker. Like that's all shady as fuck and Idk that's where life is at right now.... I love her so much I've never treated a girl better than her she the first girl I've been totally honest with and I've told her if she wants something else tell me I just want her to do whatever makes her happy all I want is her to be happy she deserves it, I would prefer it be with me but if it's not and she finds happiness with someone else more power to her. I'm probably going to still be with her because I truly love her and I care about her so much. I just hope she has enough respect for me not to do that to me again and with be with me or not. I don't know ...
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