BQ @doureallywannakno - Tumblr Blog

spring reflecting

april had me reflecting about life. one moment im sad missing someone next thing i know im out here just chilling the fuck out. lols. it was early march when i had this sudden fear of not knowing where my life is heading. i remember talking to kirk and said i dont know what to do if im not working. that moment hit me pretty hard. i become the person i never expected to be. a person who defines herself by her career. dont get me wrong, i really love what i do. never once crossed my mind to change career paths. its just... i felt like my life was more exciting before and now i feel like im trapped. and all i can do is work. even at work theres a lot of restrictions even though compared to normal person i am travelling still quite often.

after days or even weeks of being stressed about it - as always my mind adapt to what i have at the moment. since i knew i wont be working a lot for april i knew i needed a routine to kept me going. this time around its different. i dont feel like going on trips, dont feel like hanging out with people every day. i just wanted to be on my own. i wanted to be okay and happy with my OWN company.

fast forward today, i can’t even think what week it has been but is almost going two months of having a much better lifestyle. having a good set of routine. i like how much my body change over the last couple weeks (oh yeah i have been working out almost every single day! lols)

since i like celebrating any wins, i wanna say i am proud of myself for losing 9 pounds. to liking working out. to getting better at running. to enjoying my own company. and lastly to just keep on going with life cos everyone has their own struggle and ITS OKAY to not be okay. sometimes.

apr3/21

this morning i got a text from my mom telling me to come home, that she’s been crying all day and how she wants me beside her. i can’t help but feel bad about the situation. i haven’t replied. i wanted to say im at work to make the situation feel less wrong as it is. but i decided not to. though all day all i feel is feeling bad. feeling like i am bad person for doing this to someone who’s feeling so down at the moment. she just lost her brother. mind you its only been less than 24 hours when she got the news of her brother passing away. and now she finds out two of her children doesn’t want to come home... all day in my head i just kept saying “Lord, guide me please because i really don’t know what to do anymore.

before 2020....

Never a day goes by that he never crossed my mind. not to sound obsessive or crazy but in all honesty i miss him. i miss talking to him every day. i remember having rough days at work recently and before i always have him at the end of the night to rant with.... somehow as soon as i hear his voice i found comfort. lol gross. i still remember that night when he told me when i need someone who do i run to? he made me feel like i could always run to him. and not in a very dependent way (im still independent okay just need emotional support from time to time hahaha) i knew im gonna be okay. it sucks. definitely. but i know at the end of the day that he will always be there. like hello??? i didn’t built that five months of foundation for nothing hahahahahah but more than anything this experienced made me proud of myself, not only i’ve become more honest to myself but more to what i feel. letting my guard down is never a bad thing, thats just how life is. you’ll never expect what will throw you but you’ll be amazed by how you get yourself back up. also in the year 2019 i can proudly say that bianca knows her self-worth!!! but also learned to genuinely love herself. i remember that conversation with July when walked around London late at night and he was lecturing me about setting a standard to my potential guy, and i was lowkey getting offended and also thinking that maybe he is right, that i dont have any. but after what happened, i knew for sure what I want. i want someone who will be man enough to pick me, grow with me and keep up with my crazy side. cos i know that i would be willing to do the same.

People always tell me that i deserve better, before im like fck off youre just saying that to make me feel better about myself. but when i hear that nowadays, i agree to it. cos i do know for myself that i deserve what i could give and even more :) 2019 is the year i finally didn’t settle for less.

as much as im a little worried for what 2020 will bring, i am excited for this new decade to come, for more experiences to live by and for more people i’ll meet along the way.

this is it, im signing off for this year tumblr.

Bianca

122919:1511

everything will fall into place

my last recents blogs wasn’t really a blog of hatred or any sort of anger. it was mostly to vent out what i have in my mind because this time around im dealing with this on my own. that getting myself back up process. at first i was scared i’ll be stuck for quite awhile and had to put a lot of effort to make myself better....

first things first, i’ve haven’t cried for two days. i finally have my appetite to eat again and also last night i had a good sleep. i’d say from im being okay, im feeling good now.

the last couple days was definitely an unpleasant scene. i was torn to begging him to stay, but also i know better that i shouldn’t do that. and although it kills me he had to see a little bit of me “acting up” but i couldn’t help it lol. however, after being in denial for a little bit, i’ve accepted that this is how its going to be now. life goes on heheheheh

to whoever prayed for my peace, i sincerely want to thank you. all i want is to end this year in peace, no more what ifs, no more pain, no more disappointments.

#mindset

going back the old ways

might be too early to say but i think i’ve recollected my thoughts again. i knew one of the reason i was sad is because i won’t have anyone to say random things in my head. lmao. but y’know what imma just go back to what i do best, expressing my thoughts and feelings in a form of writing or “blogging” as i am very millennial.

(listening to ben&ben music has been helping me to stay calm)

good night universe :)

keep your personal life out of work

i didn’t know how hard it is to separate those until today. my heart was heavy on the way to work this morning, i was also having a hard time to sleep... July was right when he said this will be a different one. at first i was like, no, there’s no way until today.... i cried as soon as i woke up, i cried every take off and every landing. i was having a hard time to interact with anyone because all i want to do is cry. my go-to survival process before is to run away from what’s hurting me but this time around i couldn’t find a strength to book myself a flight somewhere. i just wanna be home. cry at home. be sad at home.

121419:2011

im okay but....

i cant help but cry. im sad. sad with the reality that the person who gave me so much comfort, inspired me to be the better version of myself said he wants to be just “himself” again. im sad because without a doubt i like having him around. and accepting the truth that he won’t be there anymore is breaking my heart. and it breaks my heart even more feeling like he only wants to stay because he feels bad.... feels bad that he hurt me.

i thought being more honest with my feelings will give me more of a peace of mind. i thought being more vocal about being scared of losing him will give me an assurance he will stay but instead he left.......

121419:0140

It is past midnight and somehow no matter how tired I am today I couldn’t find myself to fall asleep.... Hopefully, after I let things out here I’ll have a bit of my peace back.

Let me start with, I never thought I will back here again. But here I am about to let out something I’ve been ignoring the last weeks or months...

Earlier today after arguing again with July I’ve realized I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of getting mad. I’m tired of arguing and most of all I’m tired of getting hurt by the little things. I found myself losing my shit lately and I know the reason why.... my “in-denial” self doesn’t want to admit that I like him. Yeah, I like you July.

The few weeks I’ve been trying to figure out this feelings of mine, everyone told me to wait for him, don’t rush things because it might scare him away. And that hit me real hard, I am scared to lose this person. As much as I know I will be okay even if we ended up not talking, I also know my life is much happier when he’s a part of it.... This guy that I met at CoCo on May 27, 2019 have seen the real me within the five months of knowing him, and yet he’s still there. i think.

July Soe, I like how ever since we met, we’ve been constantly talking. I always look forward getting your texts and calls. I like hearing your voice before I go to sleep. I like how you take care of me in the best way you know. The efforts you put in, I know it all, I see it all. I appreciate you coming into my life. I hope you don’t get tired of me apologizing, and know that every time I say it I really mean it. July, I know most of the time I got so much pride. But at the end of the day, I will always let my pride go because you will always be more important. I always pray to God that if you are meant to stay, I hope you don’t get tired of me no matter how pain in the a** i am :( but just in case you do, I know I’ve met you for a reason.

I genuinely don’t know how you’re going to react to this but hopefully I get to say it before this year ends.

It was the whiskey

It is tried and tested that 90% of the human beings gets even more real when they are intoxicated with alcohol. lol. In my case, It was also Linda being persistent of asking if I am okay.

It started when I mention to her that lately I find myself not wanting to make plans with other people even my best friends. It is just lately, I want to be more independent and not rely on anyone to make me feel whole. I even mentioned to her how I think that my maturity level is not the same with my best friends anymore and that is why I don’t crave to see them or to spend time with them because I feel there is a gap between us. Also lately and one of the reason why the only person I constantly see on a weekly basis is Linda, because I know she understands me. She knows what to say to me. Also ever since I’ve always surround myself with people I aspire to be; someone I will learn a lot from. Cleary after that glass of southern summer from cactus club thats when she started going deeper into knowing how i am as of the moment...

Long story short, I am tired of pleasing everyone. Tired of prioritizing someone’s else happiness before mine. Don’t get me wrong these people I showed my genuine care didn’t ask me to give that to them, but I did it because I wanted them to be happy.

I explained to her how this time around I want to do what I really want. And not what other people want. Even if these people wants to go see this.. or go to that place, I will never do it for them anymore because this time I want to be selfish. I want to do what I want. Because at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be expecting anyone to do things for me.. to do things that I like.. because it hit me when you start expecting thats when you start counting...

So from now on, I will only eat what I want. lol Watch concerts I want to see. Go to places I really want to go and most importantly I will only give to the people who in return appreciate me for my existence.

On the last five months of 2018 I want to be selfish.

When will I?

I couldn’t stop thinking about him not only because I haven’t talk to him for over a month but im also very denial of the fact that someone made me feel once again that im only the second best. Lately I found myself hoping that one of these days he will message me to see whats up. But as days goes by it just keep slapping me of the reality that he will never message me ever again. It hurts. Just having that hard hit of reality of what I thought could be a possibility was just another thing that shattered me and transformed me to a stronger version of myself. Until today I still see the good in him, that what he did to me was never intentional, that our fling was just another thing i thought was a mutual connection but all along it was only me who felt more. It was never a thing at all. And now i am left with these questions in my head of when will i? When will this pain heal? When will I ever learn that the guy for me will never ever make me question what we are? But most importantly when will the right guy will come and stay?

Merci Beaucoup

The best feeling in the world for me is when i make people happy and feel loved but also it is when they tell me of what they think of me or for short, when they tell me how amazing i am. Being kind all the time is never easy, there’s always people testing you but at the end of the day I still choose to be kind.

The other day I had to face my fear.... And it was hanging out with the person I’ve so much respect for. The person I always try to impress. This is the person I don’t ever want him to see my stupid side. And thats because I have so much respect for him. It started really awkward because the two of us were obviously not letting lose. We were trying our best to show only our “prim and proper” personality. But after dinner and drinks, and me starting to get personal we had so much laughter and we talked more casually to each other.

Eventually it came to the point in our conversation when he finally said, “c’mon bianca you’re an amazing person. you deserve more than what you think.” To hear that from someone I’ve admire for years means so much for me. For someone who hasn’t seen my real and more personal side yet but has so much great words to say about me already is the reason why I live (charot hahahahah)

Room for dessert?

Here I am staring at my laptop for a good five minutes because I don’t know where to start. I thought it will be easier since everything happened yesterday but I can’t put my words together....

On my past blogs I tried my best not to be specific just cos I was scared that he will eventually read my blog. But tbh though he will never know about this unless i purposely share it on my other social media.

It was early March when I’ve become aware that this fling is officially over. I was sad. But it didn’t hurt as much as it did when i got my heart broken with loves. I prepared myself for this rejection and I know I will be able to surpass it. Firstly, because all these months we’ve been going out my mind was thinking more than my heart. But most especially, I know my best friends will be there to remind me that this lost is not really a lost but a gain for me.

It’s been almost three weeks when we kinda started talking again. Well on Snapchat. He became more available recently. In my head i was like “i’m right he will always just be there” but however even though he went back to normal, I didn’t. Mainly because this time around I wasn’t attached to him anymore. I’m at IDGAF vibe s/o to DUA LIPA gurllll u got me. lol.

Last Sunday (April 15) He called to ask something about work. Then as soon as I hung up he texted me asking what time I’m off, I said 6:30 and I thought he asked so he could come by and maybe he needs my help to shop. But I was wrong. He said he wanted to hang out after work but I said I can’t because I have plans after. Which is true btw. Then I said “I’m free Monday and Tuesday I think” and he replied okay. It was Monday, even though the-typical-bianca would be normally waiting for him to ask me to go out again. I wasn’t. Lol because i’m too hangover from last night I just really wanna go home after work and sleep. However, later that day he asked me if I wanna do something after 11 pm.... At first I was like thats odd, he never asked me that late. but then i figured he was doing school stuff at school. And the-typical-crazy-bianca would have said YEAH SURE but nope like i said im too tired and im at the “idgaf” vibe lol so i told him i’m going to pass cos i’d rather stay home. then he replied with “i’ll just come over and chill there” and the-typical-crazy-bianca obviously said SURE hahahahahahah bye. As it gotten more late, I had a feeling he wouldn’t come anymore. cos i told him i’ll be sleeping and he should just knock and my brother will the door for him. Which i knew even before saying it that it could scare him off. But I was like, if this guy has good intentions for me he wouldn’t be scared of my brothers. It was almost 15 mins to 12 mn when I asked God, that hey if this guy is really for me he will come before midnight... he didn’t.

Tuesday morning, he messaged me like nothing happened last night. he acted weird and tried to be normal. And for the third time around he asked me to hang out. Okay I was going to straight up say no to him but then he said “you said you’re free today..” and then I realized i really need to see him one last time just to assure myself that this is really not working out and also to get the watch my friend gave to me. so we met up, went to Mary Brown’s and i seriously thought he’s the one paying since he’s the one who asked to go out. but putangina niya. as we were looking at the menu, and i asked him what he’s getting he right after said “you’re paying right? mayaman ka naman” Dude!!!!! Thank you Lord I’M GOOD AT HIDING MY EMOTIONS COS I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HIM lol He was immediately an off for me. Yeah it could be a joke. but damn, i havent seen you in so long we havent been talking like how we used to and you asked me to go out expecting i’ll pay for you? What a jerk. The-typical-bianca will let that go. And i did i swear. The guy doesnt work. I’m very understanding as you can tell. However, as we were eating he mentioned that him and the girl he likes from months ago have been not okay these past weeks. Immediately, in my head FUCK this guy has been trying to talk to just cos he doesn’t have anyone. I knew right when he said those he was just using me for company. The-typical-bianca obviously have let that go and understood him. Cos hey i’ve been in that situation before.....

As he was parking to my house he asked “are your brothers home? is there anyone i should be scared of?” hahaha i was laughing internally knowing i was right he got scared last night. We went to my room, i brought spoons for the ice cream he bought before driving back to my place. Then as he was rewriting his notes and eating his mint chocolate ice cream... his phone rang. and i saw her name on the screen. he answered like a kid so happy to get his ice cream. i overheard him saying to her that he’s at home when obviously he was at my place. he also said to her to give him an hour and half so i guess they can play fortnite. As soon as I heard that, my heart broke.. I was deeply hurt. It reminded me so much when Gabs will always leaves me when he gets a call from someone. It brought me back to times I was used so badly for being nice. It slapped me one more time of how stupid i am. I know i will always be nice. but i just dont understand why people take advantage of me. how can these people be so insensitive. Just as he was packing he stuff to leave, i saw he took his watch that he gave me the first weeks we’ve been going out. and then i saw on his other hand he’s wearing my other watch.. thats when he said “babe i’ll take this watch now okay” and im like in my head tangina mo gago ka but i said “nope you’re not taking any of my watch :)” then he said “but this is the watch you don’t like” and i responded with “nope my watch is my watch they will stay here with me theyre not going anywhere” then he immediately took off the watch and said “i’m leaving babe” babe mo mukha mong gago ka. then i just said “gooood byeeeee :)”

In denial as always

I texted him this morning to have dinner with me. I had to think through it before even sending the text. Mainly because I am more concerned about my pride and him rejecting me is definitely a no help with my hidden frustration of being a worthless human being.

He immediately replied sure. Seeing him after three weeks i was a little bit nervous but also uncertain of how are we going to behave towards each other. I wouldn’t say it was bad interaction lets just say that i did get the verification of God answering my prayers once again.

Back to my maybe(s)

My “going crazy” and thinking “it’s over” phase is definitely a defence mechanism that I implanted in my head just cos I couldn’t reach out to him. No matter how much I try to get his attention on social media. Who knows. Maybe I am right he is no longer interested or maybe I could be wrong that he’s really busy and I am not really the priority right now.

Today, I had so much realization. Things I did realized before but somehow forgotten about it. First thing was Viehl, reminded me of what happened to the Bianca that I was before? Independent and doesn’t require attention from a guy just to feel complete? I immediately stopped and think. She’s right. This Bianca who is going crazy right now was definitely an older version of myself. In my defence though my acting crazy is not as insane as I used to do it before. I’d say I’ve grown. Also, Linda shared how she does dating nowadays which she tries to keep it cool. Which I did before keeping it chill?

After a few days of being sad and having a few drinks before I go to bed just so I can have a good night sleep I’ve come to a realization that me being sad has to stop now. I realized that I put so much of my emotion to him that in reality I am sad and worried for myself because my career seems to be not working out. I’m anxious about my future that instead of admitting that I released my frustration to this guy and thought he was the main reason of why I’m not feeling okay.

Also, during my dinner conversations with Linda I had a sudden flashbacks of what I want and that is for next time I’m going to fall for someone I don’t want maybe(s) anymore. Cos love shouldn’t be difficult it should just feel right and easy. *lmao I just got my answer when people asked me what I want for us to happen*

Good night. xo

Winter Fling

March 11, 2018

And just like that he’s gone. I knew this is going to happen eventually. And this is what I’m afraid of. The moment I admit to myself that I like a guy thats when they started to be “off”. By off I mean they start acting weird. I don’t want to use the word “ghosting” because usually with the guys I hang out with they will still respond but will try their very best to avoid me or things will not be the same afterwards... And when that happens I am left with myself... building the wall back up again because some guy tore it down for fun.

I decided to give myself a week to fully think things out. I wanted to hear peoples’ opinion about my situation but also I was just waiting for him to talk to me so we can discuss what we really are. But I guess when I finally had the courage to talk to him about what I feel thats when he started acting cold. I am hurt. However, I prepared myself for this situation. A week for me to prepare emotionally and mentally for the outcome of supposedly my first ever confession.

As my winter fling comes to an end, I am looking forward for what Spring 2018 has for me..... Hopefully more career opportunities and maybe a sideline of “the one” I have been praying for haha.

Eat... Talk.. Shop and more Eat!

It was her 30th birthday recently. Holy cray! I can’t imagine myself right now on my thirties. Well mostly because I’m still a mess handling my 20s so why worry about my 30s?

It was last Friday when I wasn’t emotionally okay. Feeling alone. Feeling like a shit. As much as I try to stay positive and happy all the time I get those moments too. So I decided to do what I love the most which is shopping. I dropped by at Chinook and surprisingly I shopped at Topshop for two hours. IT WAS THE BEST DAMN THING. I MISSED IT. At first I was hesitant of coming in to the store because I don’t know who I will be seeing once I am there... like am I mentally ready to socialize? But I’m glad I did, not only I had the chance to try on new stuff that came in that day, I also had a chance to talk to my former colleagues who always brings out the best in me. I loved seeing them.

I read Linda’s new blog as I was on my way to work. I love reading her blogs and how lately she turns every negative situation into a positive outlook... After reading it I knew it was my wake up call. In that moment I changed how I think and reminded myself that I am the only person who is responsible for my own happiness. So if I don’t want to be sad or feeling alone.. I am the only person who can take actions to what I feel.

I love hanging out with Linda, not only because we both love the same things but also because she is more like an older sister to me. Although, she’s my boss, we established to build a difference when it comes to work and hanging out. She showed me how to be professional. Not only I am learning a lot from her, she also became my outlet for my thoughts. She always gives me her honest opinions and that what I really like about her. A genuine friendship built even with age and status in life differences...

Hello I’m back a lot happened during the period that i wasn’t active here. and let me stop you before you think that my only purpose for this return is to start blogging about MOVING ON again. Well surprisingly, NOPE I’m so over that phase. and looking back at it now i find it embarrassing but also proud of myself of how much I’ve grown through that process..... ;)

quick update of my current situation right now... I have become a Pescatarian... I have been cooking a lot lately and definitely enjoying it... and also i guess i am seeing this guy and three days ago i came to a conclusion that he is a potential candidate to be my “the one”

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