Fighting the Fight
The quote I uploaded is from Sherlock, a TV Series from BBC about another adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes. It’s a great series, but I will not talk about a review.
I want to talk about what Sherlock and most people in my timeline talk about these days: depression & being suicidal.
First of all, I am not a clinically proven as depressed. Depression is not being sad once in awhile, we need to set this straight. It is not something that you can just “snap out of it”. Depression is not equal “galau”. It needs serious assessment because it is a serious mental illness. You can’t know how depressed you are from random quiz from Buzzfeed or Vonvon.
That being said, all depression-related things that I am saying here might not be clinically reliable, you will need to speak with professional.
Now, what is a depression?
Depression, quoted from American Psychiatric Association is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. The symptoms are as followed:
- Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
- Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
- Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
- Loss of energy or increased fatigue
- Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
- Feeling worthless or guilty
- Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
- Thoughts of death or suicide
That last bit about thoughts of death or suicide is something that you will see in every depression test. That’s the turning point when your increasing sleeping habit – one you think you do because you’re tired – now turned to an escape of all shit that happens in your head. That will slowly turned to a devil’s whisper: why not sleep forever, then?
Let’s talk about being sad.
Let’s make this personal so you can understand better. I tried it before, suicide, when I was in high school. Do you know how much guts it takes to raise a knife towards your wrist? No God matters when you do it, just so you know. It’s one of the blank moment in your head when you just want to do it, how tempting it is to just drop dead than sleeping in constant nightmares, wake up with massive migraines and feeling absolutely worthless afterwards.
Now what lead me to that path?
It started years before when I just graduated elementary school. My parents apparently, decided to get a divorce (I am not going to tell the detail about how it goes.) I had to be one of the daughter who must keep it inside, because my sister was in emotional roller coaster as well. One must become strong for the other, and at that time it was me and my brother. It was pretty bad, a lot of shit happened, and I was in emotional wreck for years all the way until high school.
The self-harm started during that divorce happen, I start to 'clawing’ myself to stop myself from crying (no one noticed because I did it on my upper leg). Soon it become hard to cry and my body won’t stop shaking until I calm down. Someone (who supposed to be my support) witnessed it, and he just said that I’m behaving like an insane kid, borderline crazy, and just let me shake. In the morning, I am that girl who laughed a lot at school. It happens on and on until I finally released myself from that place.
I was like in my senior year of middle school when I got out from there with my sister after 2 years. Then I moved to Depok. Everyone is ultra nice, my place is great, we have a little garden with a bunch of lele in a pond, lol (god damn that was so many lele). I make lots of friends, and we have this group called Miss Universe (stfu, we are just as fab as Miss Universe). Life is a teenage drama, all so fucking cheesy but it was fun laughing out loud all the time.
But the ghost came haunting every night and I can’t even explain how you can feel worthless in that kind of environment. I don’t even know why I’m sad, or if it’s related to the divorce. (Because let me tell you, I’m accepting the divorce whole-heartedly). I start writing sad poems about being alone and losing sleep for days, and then cry a bit. And then nightmares came following with massive headache.
I can’t talk to anyone, can’t talk to someone when you can’t even explain what happened to you. If you do it anyway, they will tell you to “be patient”. Oh, how stinks that words are. I’d rather curl up and die than hearing it again. Soon enough, I can’t even cry. That cycle happens for 2 years.
And then it was just… happen.
At that time, I raised the knife because that’s the only suicide method I know. And let me tell you, as I told above, nothing else matters. That God you are talking about does not matter then. I was just physically and emotionally tired, that’s all I know.
(“Oh but God is everything, how could you forget him omg do you go to church omg omg” Shut the fuck up)
The one that stopped me was something that my brother said years ago about the divorce and being a broken home kid in general, which I doubt he still remember by now. The words are exactly like this:
“Kamu beruntung dari anak lain, kamu punya kesempatan lebih cepat untuk jadi dewasa.”
“You are luckier than other kids, you got the chance to mature faster than kids your age.”
Those words made me release the knife and finally after months of inability to cry, I cried then. Days after, I cried in front of my friends until I lost ability to walk home. I think ‘those friends’ know who they are. Some are crying with me, the other one is now a doctor, who apparently can’t forget his experience in high school about how terrifying the mix of emotional breakdown and stomach ulcer is, lol
For those who have a sad friend, console them. You don’t have to talk much, just listen whenever they need you. A few pat on the back, and a hug. If they don’t cry, you cry for them. Drop that “be patient” and “just pray to god, lol” bullshit please. You are one of God’s way to make them feel better, do your damn job. Your friend is extremely tired beyond imagination, he is fighting a fight that he possibly can’t win, and he’s clenching really hard to live.
Depression is a fight in a Colosseum. You can have hundreds to cheer for you, but you are alone in this fight. The weapon probably isn’t as big as you think. Maybe it’s just how you like to see something in the future, maybe it’s that delicious cake you want to keep eating, maybe it’s just simple words, maybe it’s people you want to protect.
What it takes to win for me?
Let’s go back to the Sherlock quotes.
People who are sad, depressed, and all things similar – us – are creatures who crave love. All those façade we have been wearing is to make sure people we love don’t know, because they don’t have to. Let them live in their sparkling life, they won’t understand, they don’t have to understand, that’s what I thought.
These ‘people’ are of course whose who important to us, who we want to protect. The one that protect me from the knife are my brother’s words, and how devastated my family and my friends who cried with me if I die. They will cry in a condition when they know nothing, regretting and blaming themselves. And the depression cycle shall ensue again.
Now, after years, I can tell you, I am still a worthless piece of shit. If I have a worth, it is just because they will be devastated when I’m gone. I live for them, not for myself.
I can’t tell you that’s it’s a happy life, it is kind of empty. But it keep me breathing until now, that’s all that matters. And it is a life when you cherish every second of laughter with your loved ones. I am willing to fight, no matter how crazy and painful the ride is. To win, you have to live. This is the battle of endurance, take all you need to keep breathing, claw your hands through the walls to stay sane.
Lastly, condolences to all friends who left us. They did well, they fought well. We will continue the war on earth, please be one of the angels who remind us of people we love whenever the urge comes up. Again.
