drafts x verses

"I had a dream I put my hands inside my chest and held my heart to try to keep it still" - Skim, Mariko Tamaki

[draftsxverses]

Can I sleep for a month and wake up as my former self?

My bed cover is pink. Bright pink. As if my bed wants to convince the world that I am happy. It has pink spirals too as if it’s saying, “hey, look. My owner is in a perpetual state of happiness.” What a lie. My bed cover should be black or grey or red, not for joy but for blood. 

Some days I have the energy to care about others; most days I don’t. I wonder how my friends feel about that? I only see the distance growing as time pass. Do they notice? Wait a second; I shouldn’t use I. That implies that I am avoiding them on purpose (you know, intentional, as if I didn’t value their presence.) Another lie. I love my friends, especially the ones I’ve labeled long-term / intimate / difficult to find anywhere else, but right now, the perpetual (I will keep using this word) state of exhaustion I’m experiencing has taken over. 

I am not responsible for anyone but myself of course, and I know everyone I care about is strong, but I worry occasionally - Am I being too uncaring? This may be a phase, but what if it turns out to be something else? Finding comfort in isolation? Regression? 

I am thinking too much. There is nothing wrong. My days are just different from my days a year ago. I should go back to doing weekly calls and movies but hell, I have absolutely no motivation or energy to do anything. I want to be alone, but I also worry that loneliness will hit me, eventually. But I’m not lonely still and it’s been a while? If I ended up having no one, absolutely no one, would I be okay? I wouldn’t know. 

God, I wish my brain would stop thinking. 

I should read a book. Watch a movie. Exercise. Walk - Nope, too tiring. 

Browse social media? Scream into the void? - Nope. Too numbing. 

Well, okay, let’s continue to live in this little bubble of grief? Is it grief? Is it the pandemic? Is it everything? 

I hope former me comes back. I cannot smile like her. I don’t have her energy. I cannot fake it either. I’m the version that wants to be or is brave and confident and assertive, but I’m also the version that cares less. Hm, how do I bury myself into a dark place, so my better version can take over? 

I had only planned on typing the first paragraph, but that turned into who knows how many paragraphs of mind vomit. The conclusion? I will just distract myself by browsing the internet and starting some self-improvement task that I would plan half-way and never finish. 

Again. 

[draftsxverses]

Repeat 10x

“How are you?” “I’m okay. I’m managing. It’s getting easier everyday.” “I’m so happy to hear that.”

(I am saving you from discomfort. Don't worry about me. I am used to drowning alone.)

(I lied - Ask me if I’m really okay. Tell me that I can be honest. Tell me that you can handle my pain. Ask me what I need. Ask me if I want to spend time with you. Talk to me. Distract me. Ask me. something. anything.)

[draftsxverses]

Day ? I’ve stopped counting

You bring joy to other people's lives. When I think of you, I become happy, and it's not because of anything in particular. You have that smile that just lights up the room.

I can't see it. I keep questioning people's perception of me lately. Maybe it's my grief talking but I can't see a version of myself that is not gloomy, unbothered, or numb to everything. I can still smile and write happy emails, but deep down I know I'm faking it. I show people what they want to see because I don't want them to see what's underneath all the pleasantry.

Because the truth is, sadness is still consuming me. I'm perpetually unhappy and uncaring and exhausted. Perhaps I've nudged the unbearable side of me to the surface, and it's hard for me to hold the reins. Why not let it loose, you ask? Talk. Tell people how you feel.

I don't know. For the first time in my life, I no longer feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone other than myself. Maybe it's my tendency to embrace ultra independence. Maybe I don’t want to be comforted. I continue to refuse love because I don’t have the room for it anymore. I don’t want to make room. I don’t know when I’ll be ready or wanting to let love and happiness in again. 

Sadness has become my comfort. 

[draftsxverses]

05/14 - Day 5

I managed to walk outside today with my parents. The sun and the flowers are comforting. 

I forgot to cancel my Canva subscription (I was on a free trial), even though it was on my calendar. I uninstalled Outlook, so of course I didn’t get alerted or maybe I did, because all my calendars are synced? I likely didn’t care enough to cancel. 

I noticed our thoughts about their death slowly changing, especially when we are surrounded by nature. We are remembering the good times now and finding comfort in the knowledge that they were surrounded by their loved ones virtually and for some time in person when they took their last breath. It’s still painful to remember them in every way, but we can’t do much except hope that it would get easier each day. 

I bought takeout from a Vietnamese place. The Tamarind pad thai was decent, but the tofu vermicelli was ridiculously spicy. My transition from omnivore to vegetarian is going well so far. I cannot look at a chicken dish the same way again. My mom ordered cashew chicken (?) earlier and I thought - factory farming, chickens in tiny cages, etc. 

What else did we today? I watched a movie with my parents (they watched it already but wanted me to watch) called The Upside. Although it is a story that challenges stereotypes about physical disability, I found the plot and the characters to be quite typical (By the way, I forgot to mention yesterday that we watched Green Book before we slept - Now that is a movie I would highly recommend.) 

Conversation topics today included lessons learned from past relationships and how I established the few friendships I have now. I talked for 3 hours again today. Goodness. I am running out of stories! 

Listened to highschool OPM and felt nostalgic

I think it’s the first time since August that we didn’t have our Friday night/Sat morning (PH) movie. I feel like it’s going to be like that for a while. I don’t know how long I would need to feel better. 

[draftsxverses]

05/13 - Day 3

Less crying in the morning, more in the afternoon and evening.

I slept for 4 hours. I still feel really groggy.

I ate something more substantial - my leftover garlic mushroom pasta and smoothie.

I have a bit of a cough and itchy throat but it may just be from talking too much to avoid silence.

I attended my virtual citizenship oathtaking ceremony today. Bittersweet, as expected.

It’s also the first time since grieving that I fixed my face and went on camera. My eyes are puffy as hell. I look like a racoon. Someone had two devices open so there was feedback while we were repeating the oath. I definitely butchered the French version. I took a photo with the Judge. (funny how I’m always alone during these milestones. I don’t really mind most of the time but it hits differently this year. I’m tired of feeling lonely)

I cry a bit inside whenever someone remembers me and checks in on me.

My mom put on music for the first time today. She also asked me to reply to two messages.

Put the airfryer to use for my parents. It works.

Cried in the afternoon. My brother called my mom which helped. 

Gave my mom some actual advice on how to handle grief (helping her transition from grieving alone to grieving with peers) that made me sound like the therapist that I am, but honestly, it was more of a eureka moment.

Went back to sleep while playing Ed Sheeran’s songs. My view for most of the day.

[draftsxverses]

05/12 - Day 2 part 2

What worked today: 

Cried in the morning and after cooking lunch. Hearing their voice in my head really paralyzes me. Knowing how they left breaks me. 

Lunch did not happen. I drank smoothie instead, because I couldn’t eat my lunch.

Messaged my brother so he knows. Felt a tiny bit comforted by his response.

A few friends checked in on me (thank you)

Played Ed Sheeran’s songs in my room at 5 pm and finally lied down. I am exhausted but cannot sleep. 

Stayed beside my mom and didn’t dare move when I heard her sleep. Fell asleep for 30 minutes. Best sleep I’ve had in weeks.

Read Eating Animals for 15 minutes

My biggest accomplishment today: Narrated my almost love-story to my mom for 3 hours. She was giddy then sad then happy. Note to self that I will have to think of more stories to tell to help her pass the time. 

A close friend of my mom  called, and she decided to call back. She talked about her grief to someone else for once. I can breathe a little bit.

Chamomile tea

One day at a time, Jen. One day at a time. 

[draftsxverses]

05/12 - Day 2

Snippets of conversations I had with friends when I had the energy to respond

Sometimes I wonder whether people would have an easier time if it were me instead. It’s my irrational mind talking. Maybe grief does that to you. 

I didn’t even see him. I heard him call and I didn’t leave my room. How do I forgive myself? 

Sorry, this is a lot. Don’t feel like you have to swallow my pain, please. You don’t have to say anything. It just helps to let it out, because I can’t talk to people because it’s so painful but at the same time, I feel so alone. 

I feel that now that I’ve communicated my grief to people that people don’t know how to support me. 

I am doing my best to be strong to help the people I love cope, but I also feel like I’m holding all this grief that I can’t let go. 

When you lose someone who took up so much of your time, how do you deal with that? 

When I’m alone, I feel like I am going to break, swallowing everyone’s grief while dealing with my own; dealing with the anxiety of family going to work and the trauma of losing a loved one to COVID. 

I wish I could climb a mountain and cry. 

This is the first time I’ve felt so much sadness but also anger over the unfairness of it all. 

The entire month has been torture but today in particular feels like hell. 

We revert to our child-like tendencies when we’re anxious, I think. I have two blankets right now, plus my stuffed animals because I am cold. 

I don’t know how to be strong anymore. 

[draftsxverses]

05/11 - Day 1

How does one live with the kind of grief that hits you without warning? When you see someone so vibrant and alive and then suddenly they’re not, how do you live with that?

How do you live with the unanswered questions? How do you live knowing that you will never again hear their voice. You will never again hear their laughter or their words that although sometimes rough are always full of compassion and wisdom. You will never hear them say “I’m proud of you. I knew you were meant for great things,” no matter how much you accomplish.

The questions keep coming and so do the regrets. Why them? They’ve been nothing but kind. They’ve done nothing but good to many and have never once asked for anything in return. Why take such a gentle soul and why during a supposedly joyous time in their life?

The torture brought about by weeks of uncertainty does not compare to the pain that the conclusion brings.

I hate myself. How can my body still get up from bed to drink water and eat when every burning second I think about the words I didn’t get to say; the time I didn’t get to spend; the time they called because they were scared; the suffering they endured that they didn’t deserve to go through, that no one deserves to go through; the image of them dying alone in a hospital bed with a tube stuck in their windpipe trying to fight for as long as they could for the people they love, until they couldn’t anymore, and we are left trying to figure out why they couldn’t hold on just a little longer.  

Writing used to give me comfort. It used to give me peace. I used to be able to talk and write endlessly about my feelings, but for once in my life, I am struggling to find the words.

All I know is I am angry. I had never once thought that I was capable of holding this much anger. I am angry – at myself, at the world, with the God that everyone says is merciful. Maybe they were taken because I didn’t believe enough? Should I have prayed more? Begged more? Cried more?

How do I describe the feeling of losing hope in everything? If there is a God, why didn’t he just take me?

Fuck.

Okay, breathe, Jen, breathe. Reframe. You're always able to hold on to some form of reason to recover, right? You're resilient, aren't you? So here I am begging my mind to create something, but it can’t – useless piece of crap. It’s almost as if I can hear it saying “I can’t come up with anything. Not right now. Not for a while.”

Fine. I am going to stop bothering it. I will live on autopilot and maybe cry one day at a time until I can’t cry anymore; until I see the people I love healing and maybe then I will heal too, but that is not going to happen today or tomorrow or the day after that.

Today, I am in pain.

Today, I am angry.

Today, I can’t stop thinking about how much they hurt and how the people they left behind are hurting.

Today, I will feel. I will nurse my grief and my pain. I will hold my breath as I drown in them. I will let them consume me, with the hope that one day I will have the motivation to gasp for air again.

Today, I will mourn the person I have lost and myself, because I know I may never go back to who I was before.

How can I remain soft in a world that is constantly cruel?

[draftsxverses]

May 8, 2021

I got my first dose of the vaccine yesterday, so today I am in bed, recovering (nothing too serious - just aches and pains and fatigue which we’re all used to by now, I think.) I read The Death of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi to pass the time. I did not know it would be such a beautiful but painful book. Goodness me. But this is why I love literary fiction. I’m attaching a quote here so you can see. It’s a coming-of-age story and also one about family with complex and relatable characters. Would highly recommend.

Note to my brain that today we ordered vegan food from Saigon Lotus. Everything was great but the Saag Paneer in particular was divine. I need to order it again. I also need to bring friends there in person, when all this is over.

[draftsxverses]

I am so glad that 2020 is over (or almost over). It doesn’t mean that 2021 is guaranteed to be better, but this year felt like forever. I constantly felt like I was jumping off a cliff without a clear lifeline in sight. I’m so exhausted, and I swear, if the universe throws me another curve ball, I am going to lose it.

I’m kidding, sort of. I’m still okay. I think.

I think I’m happier now than I was years ago. It feels like a bittersweet sort of happiness though. I wish I could just pack my bags and move somewhere and start over, for a bit of time. That will really do me good. One day, maybe.

Update: 2021 sucks. 

[draftsxverses]

2016

If there’s one thing I learned about being in a relationship, it’s that there is a very thin line between space and neglect; a thin line between selfishness and reason, and a thin line that separates love and commitment. 

You tell me you’re busy and that I’m occupying the only time you have for yourself, so I stopped. I stopped sending you messages. I stopped sharing photos on messenger or skype, because you hate it when your computer lags while you’re watching Netflix. I stopped calling you, because I didn’t want you to lose the only time you had for yourself. Because I didn’t want to be the annoying girl; the clingy girl; the girl who cares for you more than anyone else.

You didn’t have time for me, because you knew I would always be there. I would never leave you. You knew that I would always be patient; that I would always come running after you, like a little girl begging for your attention and settling for anything you were able to give. 

You hated me, because I made you look like a bad guy. I was consistent in my efforts, and you were not. You turned my love for you against me. You told me that I didn’t support you; that I was putting so much burden on you; that you could not handle being the first person I’d always go to.

In the end, our relationship became a game of who’s to blame. It became a game of who’s at fault; who’s putting in more effort; who’s immature, selfish, unreasonable. And I try to understand, but I know deep down that something is awfully wrong - I know, that I am in fact being taken for granted by the very person who swore he wouldn’t.

That’s why I want you to ask me one more time that question you asked a few months back - “Are you happy with me?”

No, I am not anymore.

[draftsxverses]

Hi

Don’t mind me. I am just reviving this blog, because I miss writing and have a ton of “unpublished” notes. Some are from my experiences years ago but I figured I might as well put them all somewhere. 

[draftsxverses]

You’re overthinking this (again)

I hate having great memory. I’m cursed with remembering details. Everything that happened yesterday keeps playing over and over in my head. 

I can’t forget the colour of your eyes, or your stride, or the time you asked me to move closer to you. I can’t forget. And it hurts because I keep replaying everything, and I keep seeing awful parts of me, the parts that you will never like. 

It makes me wonder - do you ever analyze yourself as much? Do you ever think about how you behaved? Do you ever feel like you could have acted differently? 

Do you ever feel like you could have acted more and thought less? 

[draftsxverses]

I am thinking of leaving you

Here’s the awful truth - It’s hard for me to see you just as a friend. I had a vision that we would be good friends, I told you that; unfortunately, my definition of good must have been the same as my definition of special. 

I wanted you to be my go-to person. I wanted us to watch movies at each other’s place. I wanted us to cook together. I wanted to stay over and talk about life while listening to podcasts or well, listening to just the sound of your voice or our quiet breathing wouldn’t be so bad either. 

I don’t like being selfish, but this time I am. was. am being. selfish. I want you. 

Yet I am thinking of leaving instead. 

[draftsxverses]

All the words I deleted in my email before hitting send

I’m glad you’re doing better than me. 

I’m exhausted. 

I think I’m shutting down. 

I’m on auto-pilot.

I’m waiting to hit rock bottom before I can function again. 

I don’t want to reach out to people anymore. 

I don’t want to exist anymore. 

I can’t hit reply; I’m too tired. 

I don’t know what to say. 

I’m tired of pretending. 

I don’t want to add to the world’s negativity. 

I don’t want to be another responsibility. 

I don’t want to feel better; I just want to feel something. 

If I disappear, will you search for me? 

[draftsxverses]

Describe your ideal partner (or a certain person if you already have one [or that certain person who doesn't know that he is the one ;)] ;)).

I just logged in after 3 years of inactivity, so this question has probably been here for that long as well? Anyway, the following qualities are what I look for in a partner - patience and empathy, openness, honesty, respect/independence, and  a sense of humor. :)

[draftsxverses]

Me contemplating life