sero sed serio

"I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments."

[dragond]

plus que cela change...

alternatively, the evolution of a relationship:

Day 2

Your hair is so pretty.

Don’t touch it, I just styled it. 

Week 2

Your hair is so shiny.

Don’t touch it, I just washed it.

Month 2

Your hair is so long.

Don’t touch it, I just put it up.

Year 2 and beyond

Your hair is so soft.

Don’t touch it, it hasn’t been washed in weeks.

[dragond]

i spy

random crap I have found today that I don't know what to do with (except make my own "I Spy" book with, maybe): *a tiny ceramic cake bearing the words "Congratulations" *a deerskin pouch full of polished stones *ink cartridges for a fountain pen I no longer have *an engraved silver rattle *a keychain made from a 5-Deutsche Mark coin *assorted sea shells *an unmarked key

[dragond]

friday night

me: want to come over?

everyone else: no.

[dragond]

when I’m checking myself out in the rearview mirror instead of watching traffic

[dragond]

happy hour

If salt has already been rubbed in your wounds you might as well go ahead and add lime and tequila. 

[dragond]

le spleen

“Sometimes I can’t figure out which is worse: that we grow old and die, or that we live at all.”

“So like, getting the best shoes, but then having to take them back?  Or, never getting them in the first place?  That’s a tough one.”

[dragond]

you know it’s been a good party when...

you have to try and resconstruct the events of last night by doing forensic analysis of piss stain patterns. 

[dragond]

feel better?

D: I keep thinking of that scene from Apocalypse Now, where they kill everyone on that boat.

M: I don’t know if I remember that scene.

D: It’s when the squad is traveling upriver and meets the man and his daughter, and the soldiers end up just massacring everyone because they think the girl is hiding something from them.  And it turns out it’s just a puppy.

*beat*

M: Yeah, but what were they doing with the dog, anyway?  I mean, they were probably just going to eat it.

[dragond]

one weird trick that makeup companies don't want you to know about!

Beauty tip: How to achieve a "natural" lip. Step 1: Don't do anything to your lips.

You're welcome.

[dragond]

modern day myths: Texts from Medea

Jason, how are the teeth of a dragon similar to two dead babies?

medea not another dead baby joke

im at a work thing in Corinth right now 

theyre both buried in our backyard.  

lol lol 

[dragond]

the .gif that keeps on giving

"I wrote you a letter."

"...All you did was pull up a bunch of pictures from imgur in my browser."

"That's how I feel."

[dragond]

food addiction

"Are you hungry?"

"Well...I just ate, so, no...unless it involves melted cheese or empty carbs."

[dragond]

Project Runway: Knitwear edition

Heidi Klum: Designers, your task is to create and knit a sweater.  You have ONE MONTH.

*panic*

[dragond]

veggie fail

D: I'd love to try and cook more vegetarian meals, but you're really hard to cook for because you don't like a lot of vegetables.

M: That's not true!

D: What about mushrooms?  You hate mushrooms, and a lot of recipes call for them.

M: But why?  They're so horrible.

D: And eggplant!  Which is really good for you!

M: Then why is it so bitter?

D: You don't like broccoli either.  

M: I can deal with broccoli, even though it's a bit...vomity.

D: SEE WHAT I MEAN?!  

[dragond]

a tiny voice cried,

I figure this is probably a losing battle...but..."media" is a plural noun.  That means "the media" needs to be followed by a verb conjugated in the third person plural in order for there to be subject-verb agreement.

[tristanx-deactivated20210510]

[lazybookreviews-deactivated2016]

I’m at Whole Foods, buying, like, food, when I see an employee setting up a large display at the end of the produce section.

I see numerous jugs of maple syrup. I am surprised.

I see large bottles of lemon juice. I am suspicious.

I see jars of cayenne pepper. I know.

Employee sees my Dolores...