If there was anything that Ezra was good at, it had to be fucking everything and everyone around her up. And this time around, she managed to do that, as well. She saw how disappointed, sad and possibly even angry with her Drew was, and there was not much she could do, at least not at the moment. Not while they were in the middle of the shop, with people passing by and stealing weird looks at them. What she was feeling right now was undescribable – it was a mixture of guilt, self-hatred and anger directed at herself, which was definitely not a new thing for this woman, but it somehow managed to intensify.
She couldn’t bear it for any longer; her eyes filled with unshed tears, as she rubbed at her nose out in a habit. She was listening to the other woman speak, trying not to interrupt her because that was the last thing Drew would want her to do. So, she waited. Listening attentively. It’s the least she could do, right? When she finally stopped, Ezra bit on her bottom lip and took a deep breath, attempting to collect her thoughts to form at least somewhat coherent reply, “— it was easier for me to leave someone I CARED FOR and LOVED rather than watch them get HURT, or DIE,” she murmured softly, as if she was going to break if she spoke any louder. “I’ve lost way too many people in my life, and I couldn’t stop thinking that if something was to happen to you… I wouldn’t be able to handle it. So I fucking PANICKED. I left. I did not stop loving you, it wasn’t the case. I just… – I was BROKEN, and I STILL am. I couldn’t possibly have you pick up my pieces for me. It’s something I needed to do ALONE.” Hoping it was a good enough explanation, she finished, dropping her gaze down, at the tiled floor of the aisle.
“Truth be told, I STILL wanted you in my life,” she mentioned briefly. “I just didn’t have enough balls to contact you after the fact. I don’t… I don’t deal well with the emotions, I never did. But… if there’s one thing I am so damn sure of, is the fact that I want to FIX this. – Fix EVERYTHING, make it up to you.” Ezra added, without missing a beat. It was so funny how she basically justBEGGED for forgiveness, at this point. Everyone thought of her as someone who was tough, but that was just a mask she was putting on every single day. At home, she was just a shell of a human being, a ghost, even. “We… We can LEAVE, if you want to talk. – That’s if you want to do so, of course. I’m free today, and uh… we could go somewhere neutral,” she said. “— or you could straight up tell me to PISS OFF, it’s not like I DESERVE forgiveness for what I’ve done to you.”
Once upon a time Drew would have gotten so uncomfortable with being in such an awkward position in front of so many strangers. But that was the OLD Drew, the Drew that smiled at strangers when she walked past them on the streets, the Drew that actually socialized with her neighbors, the Drew that cared about what other people think of her – not in the bad way that people get so worked up about others’ opinions, but in the way that she really never wanted to get on anyone’s bad side. But that wasn’t Drew anymore. Right now she couldn’t give less of a fuck about the scene she was making. Still, she knew that had been Ezra’s town for a long time now. She knew Ezra had a respectable and honorable job in town, and that maybe some people could know what that was, and that involving her in this kind of public MESS wouldn’t be productive in what her goal was coming to Fort Belmount.
Hearing the woman’s explanation, Drew somehow wished she’d never even questioned the nature of Ezra’s choices. The explanation, although it was something she’d been longing to hear for the past almost four years, broke her heart entirely. She’d had her suspicions that being unable to deal with GRIEF was what drove Ezra to leave Washington, but she always felt like she needed to know it for sure, to hear it come from the woman’s lips. She knew it would hurt, but she had no idea it would be like this. “This wasn’t FOR me, though, Ezra. You don’t have to say it was,” she commented, scared to hurt Ezra with her raw, honest words. “You said you did it for me, but you didn’t. You did it for yourself – because YOU couldn’t bare anymore pain.” Drew’s voice sounded sad, but understanding. She was sad. No longer because she felt as if she had been abandoned (although that feeling would definitely come back soon, as it always does), but because she hadn’t been able to help Ezra. Help with whatever she needed. But maybe there had been no way to help her, after all. Maybe leaving was what Ezra needed to do, “— but I’m not blaming you. I get it. You had to... you NEEDED to leave to make yourself feel better, and I understand now.” She stated, finally, but couldn’t stop herself from noting, “I just wish you had explained this back then. I could’ve understood sooner.”
Drew looked down at her basket from the while Ezra spoke her piece. She had absolutely no balls to look Ezra in the eye as she said all those things to her. Things she wished she’d been able to hear sooner, but was glad to be hearing now, nonetheless. She only looked back up after the woman stopped speaking. “I wouldn’t tell you to piss off after driving for hours to move here, now that’d just be fucking counterproductive,” Drew managed to allow herself to smile, “so we can go somewhere. I really do WANT to talk. That’s the whole point of me being here. I also want to FIX things. It’s not like everything that had ever happened between us has been your fault. It’s not all yours to fix.” She said, finally fixating her eyes on Ezra’s. “So this is our chance. Not only to forgive one another, but, as cliché as this may sound, forgive the past.” She held her own cringe as much as she could, but she was sure some of it might’ve slipped. It was followed by a hopeful smile, though.
