.grim & hapless

Jordan.24.615.twin.weird as heck

[neo-trickster]

[dewchild-deactivated20170827]

I FOUND THIS COOKIE THAT KINDA LOOKS LIKE A FACE AND I WAS LIKE “LEMME TRY A FACE SWAP” AND IM SCREMAIGNHFDJBC

[2-shane-s]

[aliofbabylon-deactivated2023020]

[somniphobias-deactivated2017120]

[sp00oo0ky]

[queen-howard-deactivated2017021]

[thickneyspears-deactivated20181]

When theres a Pokemon in your neighbors house

[birffed]

*brushes teeth* *spits out toothpaste* *sees blood in the sink* *looks up into mirror* “what am I?”

[birffed]

*dentist punches down door* “it’s becAUSE YOU DON’T fckIN F L O S S”

[fadingnebula]

it’s actually much more likely because you don’t massage your gums, little circles, soft bristle, make your gums pink and strong

[birffed]

*dentist awkwardly picks the door back up and apologizes*

[macklemuffin]

when ur friend bemis is being unreasonable

[latinkilledtheromans]

MYSTERY STORY TIME

So there was a single, solitary kiwi on our counter in the kitchen.

And I decided to make fun of my roommate for it, because who buys one, single, solitary kiwi? So I asked her that.

Roommate: I didn’t buy a kiwi.

Me: This isn’t your kiwi?

Roommate: No?

Me: But this isn’t my kiwi.

Roommate: That kiwi was there when I got home.

Me: I don’t even eat kiwi!

As you can see, it’s a real kiwi. Here it is, on my counter, giving away nothing.

But I was still confused as to where it came from. Did one of us accidentally buy a kiwi at the store? 

So I looked up the Kiwiny company to figure out which stores it’s sold at, to see which one of us might have bought it, since we tend to use different grocery stores.

Kiwiny doesn’t have American retailers.

There is literally no reason for this kiwi to be in my kitchen.

[221cbakerstreet]

It came all the way from Italy and this is how you welcome it

[bambiindie]

Dick

[oblomovite-deactivated20160709]

me: ok im gonna sit down and read this book with no distractions

me two minutes later:

[gayemoji-deactivated20150415]

horoscope: sometimes you be breathin

me:

me: okay but how did they know that?

[drdoomlittle]

boy: we even finish each other's s-

girl: steve buscemi

[brooklynbabyz]

[thatbrinybitch]

Bae.

[silosenovengo]

[koobaxion-deactivated20220403]

BDSM

Bernie Da Sanders Man