Some of the most painful break-ups are with friends.
Friendship is choice. Friends choose you because they see something in you that’s special, that they connect with, that makes them want to spend time with you separate from any obligation or commitment. They choose you and not because tied through marriage or family.
When they stop choosing you? Or when they said something that does not sit well and align with what you believed to be you both understand? When what they replied offended and hurt you the most?
It’s a heartbreak that hits different.
You keep replaying the last exchange you had. Was there something you could have done differently? Something you should have said? Or could you have reacted differently?
The ultimate question is, was it my fault? Am I too sensitive? Did I not understand? Did I not try?
Your equilibrium is gone, you don’t know where you stand. Old memories pop up randomly on social media, and every time it feels like soap in the papercut in your finger. Sometimes their name comes up in conversation, or you happen to glance at a picture they’re tagged in as you’re scrolling. Technically, you are still “friends” as far as the rest of the world is concerned, but deep down you know it will never be the same. In the outside world, nobody knows of the breakup… because they never even acknowledge the hurt they caused.
Sometimes, you can’t help but check their profile… their post. Sometimes it will get you work out cos they seem to be doing ok… without you. It is like they didn’t even notice. Sometimes it makes you sad and mad at the same time.
But then, you go through the process of mourning, just for someone who is still very much alive. You mourn the could have been, the should have been.
It’s a special kind of lonely to move on, you’re both walking your respective paths, they just never cross anymore. It’s the last meeting theory. The quiet goodbye that you didn’t realized you did.
You try and turn your mistakes into learning opportunities. Mistakes that you assigned yourself. You figure out who actually deserves your time and energy.
Sometimes, with the gift of space and time, you see things a little more clearly. Sometimes, you don’t, but you realize you will never be able to control what others think or how they respond, and that brings you one step closer to peace.
Breaking up with a friend is one of the deepest heartaches.
It will turn your world upside down especially if they didn’t even acknowledge that there was a break up.
But sometimes, it can lead you closer to choosing yourself.
I will be there… one day.
