Dreamin'Elizabeth

Mostly my late night thoughts. ⓒ All rights reserved.

[dreamingelizabeth]

My head is exploding

Trying really hard to understand what I feel now.

I feel frustrated.

I feel nothing what I do matters.

I don't feel heard at my work.

My manager doesn't appreciate what I do. What he said yesterday didn't make sense. If I ask one question, his answer was 10 minutes long which I had a hard time understanding as it kept going on and on with nonsense.

All I could think of during the call was - he does not like me and he finds reasons to not to promote or support me for success.

How devastating it is to be in an environment where there will be no appreciation or growth is going to happen?

I don't think things always go as I wish but what my current manager treats me is nothing but disrespect and hostility.

[dreamingelizabeth]

Aug 08 21

나의 이상형 :

몸이 건강한 사람 (운동을 규칙적으로 하는가? 건강한 식습관이 있는가?) 마음이 건강한 사람 (부모관계, 성장배경이 건강한가? 문제가 있다면 얼마나 심각한가? 얼마나 개선가능성이 있나?) 자기 직업에 자부심을 가지는 사람 (항상 치열하게 살아왔는가?) 키큰사람 (유전) 겸손한 사람 - 자기 자신을 억지로 내세우려고 하지 않는사람 (타인을 칭찬, 존중, 나보다 더 대단한 사람들이 있음을 인정하는가?) 말을 앞세우기 보다는 행동으로 보여주는 사람 (뱉는 말을 신중히 하는가? 한번 약속한 것은 잘 지키는가?) 자신의 감정을 잘 컨트롤 하는 사람 (즉흥적인가? 업다운이 심한가? - 그로인해 발생하는 문제가 얼마나 큰가?)

나의 일에 이해도가 있는 사람 (디자인, 게임, 차량, VR/AR, 예술 전반에 대한 흥미가 있나?) 내가 일에 대한 열정이 있는것을 이해해주는 사람 (치열하게 살아왔나? 우선순위가 무엇인가를 확실히 아는 사람인가?) 마찰이 있을때 나의 의견을 잘 들어주는 사람 (들으려고 하는 준비가 되어있나? 노력하려는 자세가 되어있나?) 좋은 인맥을 가진 사람 (주변 사람들이 괜찮은 사람인가?)  자신의 자산관리에 관심이 있나? (경제관련한 지식/호기심/연구/투자 를 하는가?)

[dreamingelizabeth]

Aug 07. 21

It was a crazy rollercoaster. My mind shut down soon as I read the text message. I am utterly saddened and disappointed. - it has been 16 days since I haven’t responded. Well, it doesn’t make sense because we are over.

It is getting better day by day, strangely. I always have a confidence to overcome any sadness because I was just fine after with saying goodbye to K. This is nothing compare to that. This will be nothing even though the emotion intensified as I get older because my soft spots for relationships gets bigger and bigger. 

[dreamingelizabeth]

Jul 20. 21

If this is something to show that you are upset or angry because of me or other reason whatever ridiculous reason you come up with. I think I am done with you..

You talk sweet but I am not being fooled. I can’t take it anymore. It has been a lot and I have lots to take care of for myself and for my future.

This is not because you have issues. It is because how you handle your issues and it is causing me tremendous stress and pain. I can’t picture myself going through this anymore. I also think the reason this happening is that I let it to be, I allow it to happen.

I don’t want let it happen again so I want to remove myself from you.

[dreamingelizabeth]

What makes me hesitent

Sometimes he doesn’t follow through his words - 

No poem 

No printed poem

No follow back

Am I too sensitive? 

Am I too obsessed??????

[dreamingelizabeth]

Trouble

Up and down

can’t take it anymore if I were 10 years younger.

Am I doing alright? Am I doing it because I’m lonely? Do I really need someone? Do I really want this? I feel happy but I actually don’t know if this is good- for the longer term. Hennessy is strong.

[dreamingelizabeth]

Doubt

Something feels good. Then something feels wrong. I met an interesting person then all I can think of is him.

Am I in another misery to be the end?

He is quite obsessed with himself. I’m not type of person who speak about myself. Me and he share many things but there are many differences too. 

I feel the fresh air. I’m not sure if this even me feeling this way.

I’m very scared because I change too much so quick without a blink. I accept things that I normally don’t. Is this a good change? Does he even know this? Would he even appreciate this? Or is this all in vain...? I’m just forever confused.

[dreamingelizabeth]

short thoughts

I need to let it go. I need to empty my brain but I can’t help but to think about my recent few weeks related to someone that occupied my life.

Complaints about bar soap. I will have liquid soaps for you in my half bathroom.

I will open the window at night.

The shower pressure is still low and I can’t fix it.

Complaints about Stephanie. I can listen to it over again...

I need my car fixed, you said you are going to help me with this but I need to do it by myself.

Did you delete my number and pictures?

I will text you back.

I will .. if you didn’t move on yet.

[dreamingelizabeth]

feeling low

First of all, I did my best for people who I care/cared. I didn’t expect that would become a scar for me. I didn’t want to hear anything good. What was I thinking?

I realize there is no good breakups. There is no a good way to say goodbye. Why would it be so difficult with someone who cared? It is so easy with strangers. Don’t we all want to wish the best for them? Then why would you scar someone so bad with things that are already happened and it is meaningless to point fingers at each other..

I know no one is the same with me, but this is not how it should end at least can you say good bye in a polite way? I just expected too much. It became quite clear that someone is not meant to be when it is the worst situation. I feel low not because I lost someone but because the end ruins everything. Everything I wanted to keep and celebrate my time and memory got ruined. Also, I don’t feel valued at the end. Now it is about how much the money was spent on who. Time and memory can’t have price tags nor a return nor exchanges. 

The only positive side of this is that it makes it easy to move on because I don’t want to look back anymore. I know I can’t take the worst side of a person even if I wanted to or tried to. 

It is ok to going through this but I don’t feel necessity of the dancing of emotions. All this makes me bit sour, scarred, numb in a way, bitter, weak. I just hope I have left some space for a new person to garden flowers again. 

[dreamingelizabeth]

Things make me sad

feeling of being left alone

feeling of boredom

fatigue of doing things all over again- too long journey, too much to do, too much energy, too much fuss, too much emotions, too much everything, too much calculation, too much toss and turn, too many sleepless nights, too much emotional rollercoaster because of other human being

doing things all alone 

enjoying things all alone

no one to talk to

no one to share with music

no one to joke around

no one to wait for

no one to dress up for

[dreamingelizabeth]

The end

Didn’t expect that this would end like this. Oh well, I’ve been having a sort of luke warm feelings - can’t deny that I take some time to warm up to someone. I just had a good time and I was honest at least. I enjoyed and adored someone at home. Just felt it was going too fast and didn’t know if that was making me bit anxious bout everything. 

Nothing to say because I was mad how it was ended. It was so rude and wuss. I don’t give a chance to wuss. Leave it as is, I won’t care. 

[dreamingelizabeth]

caveat

Pale skin Brown hair Soft spoken - but doesn’t necessarily mean it Politeness Tall Skinny Blue eyes Saying all the right things - but that doesn’t always fallow through with actions Flowers? -- Red flags Inconsistency lack of interest in getting to know more Shallow topics and shallow conversation

[dreamingelizabeth]

-

사랑은 힘들다.

[dreamingelizabeth]

New

New person.

But I think this one is still not making me happy. Happy is such a big word so I would say something is off and I don’t like the feeling.

I try to be nice and not expecting anything but then I find myself kept being disappointed by meaningless interaction. What is wrong with me? Why people like doesn’t like me back? I’m not picky person, I am ready to go above and beyond to let someone in..

Maybe I just found another wrong person.

Maybe I just lost how to - be attractive and wicked so other party would die to know me?

I am getting anxious and I lost balance. I sometimes feel I want to give it all up. It is not me doing this and I won’t be able to keep this being nice just to get an attention. - I think I should let this go...... again.

I am trying my best but I’m awfully frustrated and lonely.

I’d rather have a friend like Shaun.

[dreamingelizabeth]

Dead inside

Even though I have so much than others and I’m certainly privileged. I don’t know why I feel this way at this moment. I think my mind is so weak when it comes to open up for someone. Maybe I’m not ready. 

[dreamingelizabeth]

flowers

I feel like I can’t fall in love again. This is too much for me. 

No one can make me happy or sad. No one can make me frustrated but only me. I want to keep that in mind. I hope to find myself happiness and not being swayed by the sea of emotions and waste my time... 

[dreamingelizabeth]

can’t sleep

I had such an unpleasant conversation with one of my coworker. He is such an unprofessional, condescending, ignorant person I’ve ever encountered in person. I am quite disappointed the fact that such a person can exist in my life and need to put up with him for the next few months.

I am also quite miserable with the fact that my boss is friend of him and both of them don’t understand my frustration which is concerning. I don’t want to generalize everything but German people are quite rude and I don’t see a positive aspect of being part of this org. 

Just being blinded by the superficial things and empty things. I will keep going but I will still remember and I will be able to just brush it off because I think I have a long way to go - go up or jump to another dot..?

Anyway. I looked up my old school’s website to see if I can find some familiar names, my teachers who adored me and planted dreams. I remember the simple days filled with joy and excitement as a kid, teenager. I was blessed. Thankful for their teachings and it makes me to be grounded. I will keep moving forward like Hilary.